Page 97 of Never To Suffer

HALSEY, AMY LEE

Dani has aboutten more laps in her pacing before she’ll wear through the floorboards, and we’ll give our downstairs neighbor’s a free skylight. She won’t tell me what’s bothering her. Every time I try to talk to her, she snaps and goes back to pacing. We’re supposed to go out today, a date with only the two of us, but she’s canceled for the fourth time in two weeks.

The tickets to the zoo I can exchange for another day, again, but the play she wanted to see closes tonight. I’d spent the last of my money from Tokyo on those tickets. I couldn’t look at that money in my bank and not see Oliver’s face or hear my father’s screaming. I should have turned the money down when my aunt sent me the check. If it had come from my father, I would have.

Storm Dani changes trajectory and veers for the kitchen, slamming the door to the fridge a few moments later and stalking back to the living room empty-handed. We had hoped she found a way out of her funk, but the more we try to help or be there for her, the deeper into herself she crawls. This morning, she lost her shit on Skylar, and they left. They texted me from Chase’s house to let me know they’re okay, but giving her space.

“Why are you just sitting there?” She yells, so I slowly glance up from my book, half expecting her to be yelling at a plant or a bird on the windowsill. But it’s me.

“Uhm, I’m reading?” I hold the book up and shake it.

“Is that what you do all day when I’m at work? Sit around getting high, play video games, read your stupid fantasy books?” She snarls, waving her hands around to emphasize whatever point she’s trying to make. “Maybe, if you put the smallest effort into?—”

“Dani, I was up till three in the morning working. What do you want from me?”

“Some fucking support! Do I have to do everything myself?”

“You don’t do everything yourself. What are you freaking out over?”

She storms over to a stack of papers, straightening them before shoving them in a box. Next, she takes a vase of week-old flowers, throwing them in the trash—they could have lasted a few more days. She continues storming around the house, picking off every little thing that offends her, mumbling about a mess that never existed. Theo suggested she get tested for ADHD, saying she displays several signs, but she laughed him off because there’s no possible way she has ADHD in her mind. The closet full of half started, never finished projects might like to argue with her about that, but I sure as hell am not.

“I don’t have time for this!” she looks like she’s about to cry. Like she wants to scream into the void for an hour or so. I wish she would. Instead, she slams drawers, mumbling under an audible level, and occasionally lets out a guttural yell, storming out of the kitchen. “Why is this shit still here?”

“What shit?”

She waves her hands around the apartment, exasperated that I’d have the gall to ask such a question. I glance around, not sure what she’s getting at.

“The blood furniture! My reverse dowry! The shit your parents thought would buy my silence when they tried to take you back to their castle of lies!”

“That’s accurate yet dramatic. Uh, mostly because it’s all we have. I told you, when I’m making some more money working, I’ll replace it. For now, I mean, we could sell it, I guess. But that’s just?—”

“Working orworking?” She throws air quotes up around the last word, crossing her arms and staring at me. I’m not sure how to react to that since she already knows I was up coding and building websites all night. She also knows I’m trying to stay away from the subscription site for now, maybe forever. Or until get funding and launch the competitor site.

“Okay, I’m gonna give you some space and?—”

“Blow fifteen other guys behind my back? I’m sure Theo’s real proud of that, dating a guy like you.”

Theo’s proud of me for it. He tells me that every night, and how much he appreciates me and how hard I’m working on myself. Dani hasn’t said a word about the site, or me sleeping with men, both things she knew about. She didn’t know about the money for sex, but she knew I already jerked off for subscribers. The boyfriend we had never stuck around after they found out.

“What are you saying?” My voice stays even, but she can tell she’s hit the nerve she’s aimed for all morning.

“You know what I’m saying! Do you wait for us to go to work and suck some stranger’s cock in an alley, begging him to punch you in the face for it? Did you do that so you could blow the money on those fucking tickets? That’s appropriate, isn’t it? Calling themfuckingtickets since that’s how you got them?”

“What the hell, Dani?” I shift so I’m sitting in the chair instead of across it, leaning on my elbows. I don’t like raising my voice to her. But Dani’s a yeller when we fight. She goes for thelowest hanging fruit, the hits she knows will hurt the fastest. We haven’t fought like this in months, though. “Is this because of the suit? Because I didn’t come to you first?”

“No! But maybe it is. Who the hell cares about what I have to say, anyhow?”

“I do! I always have!” My mind races. This can’t be about the stupid suit. “Theo took us out there to get clothes because you’re busy, Dani. I didn’t want to put one more thing on your plate. Hell, I want to take things off it! I’m trying!”

“You couldn’t even ask, Xander? You went behind my back! You went to my former classmate; do you know how embarrassing that is?”

“I got one suit, Dani. One. Because she told me how amazing you are at making menswear. You know how many times you’ve made anything for me in the last fourteen years?”

“Oh, screw you, I’ve… I made you… It doesn’t matter!”

“It does matter! Jesus Christ, Dani, I’ve got nothing left to give you, nothing.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

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