Page 106 of The Promises We Break

Is it more pain for me to carry than anyone else? Yes.

The only way we can move forward is by my actions, my choice. Granting him forgiveness is step one, before I can even begin with trust.

“Sure,” I say without much enthusiasm, as I step out the elevator and nod my head at the front door. “But you’re buying.”

We magically makeit to whatever restaurant my legs navigated us to, feeling unsure of how we actually got here. My mind has wandered in a million different directions, all of which ended in a daydream, trapped in a blanket of cinnamon hair and lost in jade-colored eyes. One where she chooses me, chooses us.

But the ache in my chest is my new reality, and I realize my daydreams are hallucinations that will quickly drive me to the brink of insanity. I still don’t want to give them up.

“What are you doing here, Henry?” I cut to the chase. I’m tired, emotionally drained, and I’m over whatever shit he’s constantly trying to pull.

He twirls his cup of coffee on the table, and it’s the first time I think I’ve ever seen him nervous.

His eyes are all over the place, bouncing between his cup, the waitress, me, back to his cup.

“Henry, I don’t have time?—”

“I fucked up, Hud. I fucked up, and I’m sorry.” My eyebrows hit my hairline, and I just stare. In all my life, not once has Henry ever admitted fault. To anything.

He peers up at me, searching for something. Acceptance maybe, understanding? But I’m still fucking speechless.

His long exhale is the only thing I hear between the silence that engulfs our small space.

“I remember when Mom told me I was going to be a big brother. She said I was being upgraded to a double big brother because she was pregnant with the twins. Up until then, it was only me and Mom and Dad. Then, after they were born, I felt like I never saw Mom at all. She was so overwhelmed with Grant and Graham. Dad really stepped up, and we got a lot closer.” A tight-lipped smile crosses his face at the mention of our father.

My father and I are, well, we’re decent. I’ve always been closer to my mother, and Henry closer to our father. The twins are close with both, but incredibly independent of our parents because they’ve always had each other.

“Then you came along and they became massively outnumbered. I was older, so I was left alone a lot. They relied on me to walk or bike home if they couldn’t figure out how to get all of us to our practices or games. Tutored myself through school because keeping my grades up to keep playing ball was an enormous struggle. I cheated a lot. Did whatever I had to.” His regretful eyes reach mine, like he’s never confessed that to anyone.

“I lashed out at everyone, you specifically. Then you proposed to Veronica, and all attention was on you again. I was talking to different teams, looking at getting drafted, but the excitement of it all was buried under your engagement.” He palms the nape of his neck and takes another deep breath.

“I look back on it now and, fuck, it was so stupid and immature. I could give you excuse after excuse, but it doesn’t matter. I just fucked up everything for you, and I’m sorry.”

Wow.Wow.

“The pitch…” He rubs his forehead, resting his head in his palms before sitting upright again. “I was out to prove I was better than you. I was jealous that the team wanted you so quickly after you came up, and I had been there for years, making a name for myself.”

“How is that any different than what is happening right now, with my team?” I interrupt.

“Let me finish.” He puts up his hand in a small surrender.

“You called that pitch and I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to be the one to tell Coach that I made the call and struck him out. I wanted it to be about me for once, just one time. But you have to know that pitch was a complete fucking accident, Hudson. You have to know.” His voice is more urgent now.

“You never fucking apologized to me. Not fucking once, Henry,” I fight back.

“I know.” His fingers tremble slightly as they press into his eyelids.

“I was embarrassed that my mistake cost you everything. And I knew you would hate me forever. I’m grasping at straws here; I know I am. I’m just asking for a chance to earn your trust.”

Do I believe him? I do. Sadly. My toxic trait is loving too much and forgiving too easily, then allowing myself to get hurt, wondering why the hell that would happen to me. Although, with Henry, I’ve never even given him the opportunity.

He’s been going home every month to my parents’ house for the past couple years, making sure to be present with them. He’s been actively trying to talk to me, but I’ve pushed him away time and time again, not allowing him to get a say in otherwise.

It was only recently that I even considered it—because of Ember.

Forgiveness allows you to let go, so you can stop carrying the burden of someone else’s actions.

Maybe that’s how she handled everything that happened to her so well. Sure, she’s a professional at hide and seek with her heart and has superior emotional intelligence, but she doesn’t live in the past or allow it to control her future.

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