Page 112 of The Heart of Winter

"Why?"

It was weird, lying next to each other without even our shoulders touching, like we were strangers. After a moment of hesitation, I compelled myself to reach for his hand and lace my fingers with his. I could feel it, his surprise, almost hitting my aura.

"I’m just… situations like this need tenderness, patience. And I don’t know if I have that in me when it comes to sex. You know, I…" The words caught in my throat. But he deserved to know. I owed him that. "I’ve never been in love, Sariel."

Another wave moved through his body. It was bizarre how clearly I could feel his shock, almost on a physical level, so very palpable. At the same time, my own cheeks warmed, something stirring inside me too.

"What about… that guy, Finn?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head. "No. Not even with Finn. I don’t know if I’m even capable of ‘falling in love’. Sometimes I wonder if I might be… aromantic." I paused, breathing deeper, my lungs tight. "I wish I could feel it, but I don’t even know what it’s supposed to feel like. Maybe I’m just too… stiff. Too guarded. That’s how I learned to be."

Showing that faulty part of myself cost me a lot. Sariel turned his head toward me, his face shadowed in the dim light, but I could still see the melancholy on it.

"I really appreciate you telling me this, Winter. But here’s the good news: I’ve never been in love either. So… no pressure." His lips pulled into a crooked smile. "And honestly? Maybe we shouldn’t tackle two big topics at once. Let’s just go with the flow. Let it grow naturally. The sex part’s already gonna be rushed."

Strangely, his lighthearted answer eased something inside me. Maybe because he was young, he didn’t see it as such a big deal, like it was for me. As a limiting flaw, like I might never be capable of love at all.

His youth came with a built-in sense of natural optimism, shielding him from worrying too much, and that was comforting.

"That’s a good mindset," I said, my lips curling into a small smile.

"I just hope it won’t be a disaster. And… I really do trust you. I don’t even know why, but… I just do. And that’s something, right?"

"Yeah. That’s good," I muttered, unsure if he should trust me.

Because I definitely had the power to hurt him, like I’d hurt people before. Faces flashed through my mind; my exes, their eyes on me, waiting for those words, those confessions… and the disappointment when I stayed silent, unable to give them what they wanted.

Would Sariel join that line of faces? And then fade away into the past like a flicker of meaningless memory?

Fuck. Why did even the prospect of it seem so heartbreaking?

SARIEL

We lay like that for a while in silence, both staring at the ceiling. This whole situation, the stress I felt at his possible rejection, made my body almost dwindle inside, diminishing the rising heat wave. I knew stress could shorten heat significantly, but could it delay it? I wasn’t sure. I was just grateful for those minutes free of the intense pressure of blood filling my lower abdomen tightly.

For some reason, I felt strangely heavy, worn out, like I’d just fought a mental battle. But I needed something, though I wasn’t sure if he would allow it. Slowly, I shifted a bit closer to Winter, then… even closer, pressing my head against his shoulder, almost shyly.

Immediately, I could sense his stiffness, so I stayed still for a while, letting him adjust to it, and after a moment, his energy seemed to ease. Then I grew bolder and pushed my head even closer. Finally, just to test it, I rested it on his shoulder.

And then, a small miracle. Winter’s arm slid under my back and… he embraced me!

Now, I was lying snuggled up to him, wrapped in the warmth emanating from his body. Only then, feeling somewhat calmer, I closed my eyes and let myself drift off.

***

I woke up completely disoriented. My head was still on his shoulder.

Winter was lying on his back, face turned up, eyes closed. But the moment I blinked into awareness, he stirred too.

It was much darker outside. We must’ve slept at least an hour. My leg throbbed again, the painkiller had worn off. On top of that, there was no mistaking it now: my heat was intensifying again. My body felt that particular kind of raw, oversensitive way, where every little touch made me shiver.

"We drifted off for a bit," I muttered, and he glanced at me. In this position, our faces were very close.

"Yeah, not great. I should be outside this whole time, on the lookout for drones…"

"It’s getting dark, Winter. And my heat’s starting."

His gaze dropped to my lips, like he was bracing for what was coming next. So I looked at his lips too.