Page 146 of The Heart of Winter

Sariel’s head rested on my shoulder and neck, and his arms wrapped around my chest. I held him around the back with my free hand. It was so peaceful, so quiet. Just being intimate and warm together, despite the uncertainty of the fate we shared.

Sadly, that special moment couldn’t be entirely innocent.

I lifted my hand to stroke his hair and whispered, "Tomorrow, I’ll have to go out again, search the beach more thoroughly. Maybe I’ll find some clams."

He didn’t answer, but I felt his head move—acknowledging, understanding.

***

When we woke up, the hunger was so strong that without saying a word, we devoured the last can, the one with peanuts. Only a tiny bit of pretzels was left.

Sariel also took one of the last mints and gave it to me. We looked at each other.

"Wish me luck," I said, taking a sip from the last bottle of mineral water.

"I’m rooting for you, Winter. In the meantime, I’ll focus on trying to prepare enough boiled water to replace what we’ve drunk from the bottles."

"Good idea, Sariel." I nodded, trying to smile and offer him some encouragement.

I truly believed that having a plan and setting small goals helped distract from unpleasant thoughts. It wasn’t just motivational talk to cheer Sariel up.

But as I left the cave, I didn’t have much hope, feeling like I had depleted my resources of optimism in our conversation.

The gloom-and-doom mood returned the more distance I put between myself and the cave.

Once again, I headed to the beach and began methodically searching through all the rocks, even digging through the sand.

But in the back of my mind, I recalled what I had learned back in college, when I occasionally read travel books. I knew that in January, the chances of finding anything in the coastal waters were slim. The temperature in the shallows had dropped below what was comfortable for marine life. Most of it probably preferred to stay in deeper waters, where the temperature was more stable.

But I didn’t give up. I kept searching and searching, feeling more and more exhausted and cold, my eagerness slowly fading. Every now and then, I looked up at the sky, hoping for a glimpse of drones. Nothing. The clouds drifting indifferently, as though unaware of our fate. From the caldera, a long dark plume of smoke drifted, creating a rather eerie scene.

Straightening my aching back, tired from searching on the ground, I looked around.

The landscape was objectively beautiful, wild and raw, with the volcanic peak, the snowy meadows on its slopes, patches of reddish-brown grass here and there, the beach, and the open sea. It had a certain charm, but at the same time, it was so… incredibly uncaring whether we lived or died.

I pulled my blanket tighter around me and just stared at the sun sinking toward the horizon. My stomach twisted with hunger, desperately wanting something to eat, but I knew there was nothing left waiting for me except ten tiny pretzels. No portion of peanuts anymore.

Clenching my teeth, I bent down again. I kept searching persistently until, eventually, I made my way back to the spot where the warm stream flowed into the sea.

Once again, I took off my shoes, rolled up my pants, and started wading in the shallow water near the shore, where the temperature was slightly higher.

After about fifteen minutes, I felt something under my foot. I reached down and, to my shock, pulled a surf clam from the sand. And it wasn’t even that small.

I was sure it would be empty, but when I pried it open slightly, I saw pale meat inside.

My heart pounded. Maybe this clam had stayed in the area because of the warm stream, despite the drop in temperature in the coastal waters. Though the more I thought about it, the less sure I was that made any sense. I knew some clams had a muscle foot, but I had no idea how much that actually affected their movement.

The hunger was so overwhelming that I nearly cracked the clam open right there, using the small file we had found in the omega passenger’s pouch. I stared at the meat. Normally, it wouldn’t have looked appetizing to me, but right now… I barely stopped myself from scooping it out and shoving it into my mouth.

But what about Sariel? With his twisted ankle, he couldn’t go out and search for food. He depended on me.

I brought the clam closer to my lips but hesitated.

Guilt twisted inside me.

The meal was so close…

No, I couldn’t do it.

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