Page 81 of The Heart of Winter

Silence. A crushing, suffocating silence.

Finn stared at me, stunned. After all these years, after that drunk phone call, I had never, not once, brought this up to him.

"All through our relationship you fought with me about being the top, and yet, when it came down to it, you bent over for my brother. Because let’s be honest, I know you weren’t topping a purple alpha. You spread your legs for him."

He blinked, swallowing hard. He knew I had just ripped that argument right out of his hands.

But I was so over it. Sighing, I spread my hands. "Water under the bridge, Finn. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not even angry. The bottom line is… there are situations where even a top like you makes compromises. So it’s just silly to even make a big deal of it."

The muscles in his jaw twitched. He looked at me, struggling. I could tell he was debating whether to say something cruel, something that would crush my ego.

Then, he took a step back. The fight drained out of him, just a little. Finn wasn’t the kind of person to lose himself in arguments. He always had that level-headed side, the part that made him easy to get along with. His future partner would be lucky to have that quality in him.

It’s just that he and I were like two gears that were slightly misaligned. If someone had adjusted us differently from the start, maybe we could’ve been perfect together. But that tiny misalignment—it was like a grain of sand caught between us, grinding, wearing us down, always causing friction.

That’s why we were standing here now, watching everything between usfall apart.

"I’m sorry. I was just… really mad. I couldn’t stop being mad at you, Winter. For years. Because it always felt like we were this close to being perfect."

"I always felt that too, Finn. Like we were just one step away… but also one steptoofar."

Finn stared at me for a moment, then exhaled and lifted his gaze toward the cliffs.

"Okay, I’m sorry, Winter, for how I started the conversation. I overreacted. I do appreciate you trying to be fair when it comes to stuff like this. That’s why I didn’t even have to ask, I already knew. You want to be with this guy. If you didn’t, this conversation wouldn’t even be happening."

Boom. He was right. I wasn’t the type to talk about crushes unless I was sure they were going somewhere. So, deep down, did I hope that Sariel and I were about to be more than just fuckbuddies?

"That’s possible," I muttered, gazing away.

He sighed deeply. "So. What do you want me to say now? Give you a blessing, or do you need the usual spiel every beta gives another beta when one of them wants to chase after an alpha?" His eyes fixed on my face.

I chuckled weakly. "Well… Let’s try the spiel. I may need it, to keep myself fully aware of all the downsides."

Finn snorted, then he leaned a bit and said in a lower tone, "So, first thing first, you’re not gonna keep up with an alpha’s sex drive."

Flustered, I scoffed, "You don’t know that, you’ve never seen me at my top game."

Finn blinked, taken aback, since it was an obvious jab at our sex life, which wasn’t exactly exciting. But he cleared his throat, his eyes vacant for a few seconds, before he composed himself and continued with the list of ‘things I should know before dating an alpha’.

"Second, you can’t go into heat, and if alphas don’t go into ruts for years, they get frustrated." He made a small pause, but I had no answer for that.

"And one last thing, that it’s all just temporary, pointless, because sooner or later, he’ll find some omega who lures him in with his scent. We’re BETAS, Winter. We’ll always be thesecondchoice."

Second choice.

That damned phrase, so hurtful. It was built into our identity. Beta. Never the first, always the second. A curse woven into our very name.

"You’re right. He could meet someone else at any moment and leave. But it’s a danger for everyone who hasn’t found their fated mate yet. Every relationship has that risk. Just like ours ended years ago, Finn. Alphas aren’t the only ones who leave."

Finn’s lips twisted into a bitter grimace, then he fell silent for a while, walking, his head up, eyes on the cliffs surrounding Lake Silven.

"You know… I’ve had daydreams where I was one of them. An alpha. The chances of finding my fated mate would be so much greater then. I could just sniff him out…"

His words made me wince a bit.

"And I never wanted to be an alpha. To be honest, I hated them—"

Finn huffed, cutting me off. "Well, what changed then? You’re all over an alpha now, ready to be railed."

---