Page 35 of Love Potion

“Asked him what?”

“If he’s interested in more?” Dylan gently smacks my thigh as he sits back in his seat. “My sister had a crush on her guy friend for years. She said the same thing. He never made a move so he wasn’t interested, but one night at a friend’s wedding, she got some liquid courage in her and she kissed him. He kissed her back and told her he’d been in love with her for ages, but he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. They’re married now and have a kid.”

“That’s cool.”

“Cool, yeah, but who knows what would’ve happened if neither of them ever stepped up. All I’m saying is that you should check to make sure before you write it off.”

“I appreciate the advice, but I know him. If he wanted more, he would tell me. He’s not the kind of guy who doesn’t go after what he wants.”

Dylan shrugs. “I guess you know best. I’d just rather know for sure than miss out on something awesome.”

Easy for him to say.

“Good luck though,” he adds. “You seem like a good dude.”

“Same to you.”

Two people enter the room and stand at the front, so we quiet down to begin the conversation. One person introduces themself as Jae, gives us their pronouns, she/them, and offers a welcoming smile. Jae has naturally tan skin and luminousbrown eyes. Their shoulder length hair is dyed pink and in a twisted style, and their arms are covered in colorful ink. They’re wearing baggy jeans and a tight-fitting tank top with chunky black shoes.

The other person, Toni with an I, uses she/her and is wearing a black dress with bright teal flowers on it and knee high black boots. Her head is shaved on one side, with long red hair hanging straight down on the other side. She also has a lot of tattoos, but she might have more piercings than ink.

Toni and Jae launch into the presentation, starting with simple definitions of terms. I listen intently, waiting for something to resonate. Then Jae writes a term on the board that’s new to me—gray-ace.

I perk up as I listen. A person who experiences sexual attraction inconsistently, at a low intensity, or rarely. That sounds like me. It’s not that I never feel sexual attraction, it’s just random and short-lived. I tuck that away in my head as I listen to the other terms and definitions.

When we get to demisexual, things start to slot into place in my head. Only feeling sexual attraction after an emotional bond is formed. I’ve never been able to get into something casual, even recoiling when a guy kissed me while we were dancing back in college. I need the tangible relationship to feel anything at all, and when I do, it’s like a simmering pot, far from a hard boil.

Could I be a gray-ace demisexual?

Toni discusses the spectrum of sexuality and how things can shift and slide over time. She explains that while choosing an identity can be helpful, it’s okay if it doesn’t align at certain points in our lives and we identify with something else.

The more I listen, the more my eyes sting and my throat tightens around a lump of emotion. For the first time, I feel like I might actually understand my sexuality. I never felt that asexualcompletely fit, and I wasn’t sure about demisexual, but gray-ace demi? I think that’s me. Holy shit.

I listen to the other topics, waiting to see if anything feels more accurate, but by the end of the presentation, I’m very much settled.

Jae and Toni start answering questions from the group. A man who looks older than me raises his hand, and Jae calls on him.

“Uh, yeah, so I was wondering about something you said earlier. About how things can shift on the spectrum during our lives.”

“Yes,” Jae says. “It’s more common than people think. We’re not fixed in one state. Just like our interests and tastes can change, so can our attractions and how we identify.”

The man nods, rubbing the back of his neck like he’s nervous, but he continues. “I was married for sixteen years to a woman. We have three kids, and until two years ago, I would’ve told you I was just an average straight guy, but I always felt like something wasn’t right. My friends were obsessed with women’s body parts, and I just didn’t feel that way. Sex for me wasn’t about the physical side. It was…” He shrugs as his cheeks turn red. “Just the thing you did.”

Jae nods. “What changed?”

“I was on a business trip and went to the hotel bar by myself to have a drink before bed. There was this guy at a table scrolling on his phone and ignoring the world around him, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. My marriage at that point was fine, but it was dull. Bland. We didn’t have sex anymore, but I was okay with that. I didn’t stray or cheat or even think about it. I approached the guy and asked if I could join him, and he said yes.”

The whole room is silent, listening intently.

“We talked until three in the morning,” the man says. “We sat on the rooftop deck and gazed at the stars and talked about everything. We held hands, and for the first time in my whole life, I had butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to touch him, kiss him. I was experiencing real attraction.” He drops his head for a second. “At fifty-two years old.”

Jae and Toni listen with kind expressions.

“I freaked out,” he continues. “I never saw myself as being attracted to men, and I didn’t understand how I never realized it until then.”

“It’s more common than you think,” Toni says.

He nods, briefly glancing around. “I went home and told my wife about it. She didn’t take it well even though all I did was hold hands with him. She kicked me out, and I went to a hotel and I called him. He flew out to see me and we spent the weekend—” His voice cracks and he clears his throat. “I learned a lot about myself that weekend.” The man slides his hands into his front pockets. “The problem is I haven’t felt that since. That kind of attraction to a person. So I guess my question is was it just something about that guy, and if it’s not, why am I not attracted to other men? Or women?”

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