Page 43 of Love Potion

“I want to, but I think it’s better if I don’t. I have a lot of things going on in my head now.”

“I get it.” I pull his hand into mine. “But remember something: I’m your best friend, first and foremost. If you wake up and decide kissing me is a bad idea, you can tell me. We can handle that together.”

“Thanks.”

He climbs off my lap, smiling as he runs a hand through his hair. I’m waiting for him to say something, but instead he bends down and kisses my cheek.

“See you in the morning.”

“Night, Jerr.”

Once he’s gone, I fall back against the couch cushions. I don’t know what was happening in his head that led him to kiss me,but I’m sure not mad about it. Maybe hecansee me as an option, and all I have to do is keep proving to him that I’m the guy. I can play the long game. I’ve already been at it for years, and now that I know Jerryn is the only one for me, I’m motivated to show him the same.

I click the TV off and head to bed, even though it’s far earlier than I normally hit the sheets. I’ll scroll on my phone until I get tired, even though my thoughts are stuck on Jerr and what he’s feeling just across the hall from me.

I hope he liked the kiss as much as he said he did, and I really hope he wants to do it again. It felt so damn nice to have him in my arms like that. I could definitely get used to it. All I can do now is hope Jerryn wakes up tomorrow without regrets and is still interested in pursuing more kisses with me. Then I can woo him, get him to see I’m the one he’s been waiting for, and level up our relationship.

If that happens, I’ll be the luckiest man alive.

FIFTEEN

JERRYN

I can’t believewhat just happened.

As I slowly undress, I replay the moment my brain decided that kissing Bane was a good idea. I panicked, of course, but Bane, being the amazing person he is, talked me down, and then… A smile tugs at my lips. And then he kissed me again. A real kiss. My favorite kind of kiss.

I climb into bed, aware of my still tingling lips. Kissing is the one intimate activity that has always been nice for me, but unfortunately, it generally leads to other things I wasn’t ready for. But not with Bane. He even said he’d kiss me again.

“Always have.”

Did he really say that or is my brain making up scenarios I wish were true? Is there a chance Bane could want me the way I am? I shake my head, blowing out a breath. I need to not get ahead of myself. Just because he was willing to kiss me doesn’t mean he’d like a life with a lukewarm partner.

Except there was that moment, albeit brief, when I felt things I haven’t in a very long time. My stomach fluttered and my dick took notice. It was gone too quickly, but it was there—the twinge of desire. I wish I knew how to get it to stick around so I could see what happens next. I don’t want to have sex feeling nothingever again. Letting a guy touch me, even fuck me, without really feeling attraction isn’t something I’m willing to keep doing. I’d rather stay celibate.

But the desire was there. I’ve learned to take note of those fleeting moments, desperate to hold on to them, but they elude me, like fireflies in the wind.

Part of me really wanted to stay in Bane’s room and cuddle and kiss him, but I needed to process my emotions. He’s my best friend, and if we do anything we regret it could make things hard. I know I’d never lose him, and we’d figure things out, but who the hell wants to go through that?

I roll onto my side, clutching a pillow to my chest, and grab my phone. I search a popular forum for information on being gray-ace and demi, and actually find a very active one. As I scroll, reading through questions and situations, one in particular grabs my attention.

My crush is gray-ace. I’m allosexual. Can we make it work?

I click to expand and read the full situation. A guy has a budding crush on a coworker who seems to return interest, but they’ve opened up and told him about their sexuality and how difficult dating can be. Sounds familiar.

There are hundreds of responses, and I read through them all. The advice varies from “it depends” to “talk about it with them” but there’s a longer response that catches my eye.

The person commenting says it can work because it’s their life. They’ve been happily married to an ace person for six years and their life together is amazing. The person lists all the intimate ways they show love and affection outside of the bedroom, but then they elaborate, discussing how they found a happy place that works for both of them sexually.

They go on to say that being ace or on that spectrum doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s just different, and when you love someone, different is still good.

My throat tightens as I read that last part again. Could Bane ever feel that way about me romantically? I know he accepts me completely as friends, but could there be more, or am I just setting us both up for a huge letdown?

I’m pretty sure there’s only one way to find out, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough to explore it. I can either find out or wonder for the rest of my life. I put my phone on the nightstand and close my eyes, but my thoughts are still swirling. I have a decision to make: Play it safe or take a chance with my best friend. If he liked kissing me once, could he like it for good?

I know he’d be patient with me if we decided to try for more, but could he be happy if the sex was infrequent? I shake my head. Just thinking about the possibility of sex with Bane is startling for me. It’s not that I’ve never imagined what he’s like in bed, I’ve just never imagined what he’d be like with me. Maybe I’ve never let myself, or maybe I just wasn’t interested in that possibility until now.

I still don’t know what made me decide to kiss him. Maybe it was talking to Dylan, or maybe I just needed to know how it would feel and if I would like it or want more. Or maybe it’s because Bane is the safest person I know. He’s the only person who knows about my struggles with dating and sex. Our friends wonder why we’re not romantic, but I never felt I could open up and tell them because I didn’t quite understand it myself.

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