Page 52 of Man Advantage

Being away from my boyfriend, then fiancé, then husband had been tough. About the time getting away from him had become a relief, I’d been grappling with constantly leaving my kids behind. Early on, they’d struggled with separation anxiety, which hadn’t done good things to my head. The last couple of seasons, they missed me but didn’t get scared that I wasn’t coming home, so that was an improvement for everyone.

It still sucked sometimes, though. One of the hardest things had been after the divorce. I hadn’t worried about Bryan talking shit about me to the boys—that was one line even he wouldn’t cross—but I’d been startled to realize how much the lack of connection to him severed me from them. He was reliable as the sun about getting them on FaceTime with me, which I appreciated. He kept me in the loop if there were any issues,like when Zane was down with a bad ear infection or when Zach sprained his ankle playing soccer.

But I hadn’t realized how much I’d leaned on the sporadic updates throughout the day. The random photos of the boys. The texts about something silly one of them had said. The videos of milestones I hadn’t been there to see. Even the messages about how this or that cartoon made him want to put an icepick through his own ear or how he couldn’t take one more repetition of that obnoxious song.

The end of my constant communication with my husband had meant an end to all those little lifelines, which had been the beginning of me realizing—too late—just how much they’d kept me going. Without them, road trips became bleak and lonely, even while I was surrounded by my teammates. When Bryan had the twins, it was radio silence from the home front, and it was driving me insane.

When Cam had the boys, though?

I have no idea where they found the markers or why they thought to color on each other’s faces, but the picture is hilarious lol

The boys wanted to show you their paintings from school today, so here’s a pic!

Your children have MASTERED the voice of Spud the Sparrow, so when you get home, we need to discuss my SUBSTANTIAL pay raise.

I chuckled at that last message as the bus took us back to our hotel after our morning skate. The twins were obsessed with this obnoxious cartoon featuring talking woodland creatures, and I wasn’t at all surprised they’d taken to mimicking one of the characters. Or that Cam—who’d hated characters like that evenback when we’d been the target audience of most cartoons—was annoyed by it.

Could be worse. Trust me.

HOW??

Look up Pirate Billy Bob on YouTube.

There was no response for a moment. I pressed my lips together, imagining the horror on his face when he saw those clips. Bryan had barely made it through the twins’ Pirate Billy Bob phase, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he started dry-heaving upon hearing the first few notes of its theme song. Hell, if things had been less tense, Cam and Bryan could’ve bonded over their hatred of children’s programming. It was actually funny, imagining the two of them ranting about high-pitched sea shanties, overdone pirate voices, and nightmarishly creepy animation.

The thought made my humor fade a bit. Cam and Bryan having an exasperated conversation about Pirate Billy Bob was a fantasy. It made me think, for the millionth time—whathappenedto us?

Before I could go too far down that mental road, my phone pinged.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

What… What even IS this show? Your kids WATCHED it?

LOL They watch Forest Friends. Are you surprised?

Okay, Forest Friends is stupid and annoying, but this? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Have you listened to any of the songs?

There’s SONGS? I can’t even get past the animation.

It’s like someone tried to mimic South Park’s style using some bottom-of-the-barrel AI, and it somehow came out looking both cheap AND like something in the uncanny valley.

You have to WORK at it to make something this bad.

You should really listen to the songs.

Absolutely the fuck not.

(chicken emoji)

(middle finger emoji)

(three chicken emojis)

(eyeroll emoji) (middle finger emoji)

Nothing came through for a minute or so, but about the time I was gathering my coffee cup and toque to get off the bus, there was another ping.

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