Page 6 of In the Stars

A few minutes later, I feel…floaty. My head is in the clouds, and a sense of euphoria overtakes me.

Fucking finally.

I lie on the floor, soaking up the light feeling. The pain…down there is gone. I feel almost normal. I can go see Jax now. If I feel good now, he can make me feel better.

I don’t know what it is about him. Hesees me, in a world where I’ve been all but ignored.

I’ve been half in love with my best friend since the first day we met and as the years pass, the fondness for him only gets stronger. I think he feels the same, but neither of us has said anything. And I won’t, not until I get out of here. When I get my record deal and get my big-time contract, I’ll take him with me and show him the world. I’ll treat him as good as he’s treated me.

Clumsily, I get to my feet, weaving back and forth as if the ground under me is uneven. I bump into a wall and slide down to the floor, but it doesn’t hurt. I feelnothing. I chuckle at the foreign feeling, but I don’t hate it. In fact, I could get used to this. Not hurting, not thinking, not wanting to fucking die all the time. Just existing in a bubble of euphoria.

When I get my feet under me and I’m sure I can walk in a straight line, I scoop up my bag and head out the door.

Between one moment and the next, I’m at Jax’swindow, tapping on the glass. I grin when he flicks down his blinds and sees that it’s me.

He raises the window and steps back, allowing me to struggle inside. It’s not as easy today, since I can barely feel my limbs, but I manage to make it inside, only after tripping over his wastebasket and falling heavily. I giggle as my face presses into the carpet. Fuck, it’s soft. It feels so good against my cheek, so I rub against it. I laugh again as the fabric tickles.

“Shit, you okay?” he asks, gripping under my arms to heave me off the floor.

I think I mumble words, but I can’t be sure.

“Wesley?” Jax says my name, and his voice snaps something inside me. He sounds…worried. No one is ever worried about me. No one really cares.

No one but Jax.

I struggle to my feet and collapse on his bed, my eyes closed. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“You’ll wake the fucking neighborhood with how loudly you’re talking.” I hear him walk across the room and shut his window. “You okay? You look…weird.”

I can’t tell him I’m high as a fucking kite because my mom gave me pills after her boyfriend raped me. It’s already hard enough to get him to keep Perry’s ass whoopings a secret. If he knew everything? He’d for sure tell his nice mom and lawyer dad.

“I’m good, Jax.” I’m slurring my words, but whatever. Nothing matters other thannot feeling the pain.

When I open my eyes, I meet the steel gray eyes of my best friend. The only person that gets me. He’s so perfect, dark brown hair that is always in place, even when he’s been lying on it all night, pretty lips that I have to fight not tokiss when he’s near, and thick eyebrows that are raised up high on his forehead.

“Wes, are you drunk?”

I shake my head. “No. I’m sleepy. Can we sleep?”

“Yeah, okay.” Jax maneuvers me on the bed, and I laugh again. His hands on me are the only ones I tolerate. Ever since we met, Jaxon has been the only one that can touch me without me flinching away. Maybe it’s because I’m in love with him. Maybe it’s because he truly cares about me. Who knows?

Shit stops being funny when he takes off my shoes and pulls at my pants to remove them. The fog I’m in snaps, and I’m sucked back into my assault. The hands on me, the heavy breathing against my neck, the taunts, the noises, the smells, the sounds.

“No!” I yell, pushing Jax off me until he falls on the floor.

“What the fuck?” he asks, peering at me with wide eyes. “Wes, what’s wrong?”

My breathing comes out in bursts, and my head spins. Sweat dots my brow as the memories of tonight and all the other nights assail me. There isn’t enough air in the room, even though I’m surrounded by it. I can’t…pull in any…there isn’t enough…I can’t…

“Wes,” Jax says, his voice calm and strong. “Look at me.”

I try, I really do, but my gaze can’t catch his. My eyes dart around frantically, and I can’t…focus.

“I’m right here,” he says and puts his face in my line of sight. But he doesn’t touch me. He keeps his hands on the bed in front of me so I can see them as I’m peering into his eyes.

I must look a fucking mess, but Jax is steady. So fuckingsteady that my breathing starts to slow and my heart rate evens out. All we do is breathe together, but fuck…it’s everything.

Once I’m almost back to normal, Jaxon asks, “You ever have a panic attack before?”

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