Page 68 of Misery In Me

Not yet.

“Two weeks, Marines. Get your shit taken care of. Three months, and then you’ll be back home.”

Two weeks. That puts us leaving the first week of July.

I get up and, like on autopilot, go through the motions of end-of-day tasks. I don’t even remember getting in the truck, butI sit behind the wheel in the parking lot. I’m not afraid of going back over there. I’ve survived too many deployments to count. I’m afraid of not coming back to my family. My wife and kids need me.

Fuck, why the fuck did I do this to myself?

Why did I have to drag Ale into this life?

I’m so fucking selfish.

I was so caught up in feeling something for the first time in forever that I put the blinders up and didn’t think about all the aspects of this life. What it would mean missing out on. What Ale would deal with on her own.

I always felt bad for the spouses that got left behind, dealing with the trenches of life here without their Marines. Now I’ve gone and done that to Ale, and with her being newly pregnant.Jesus fucking Christ,how the fuck am I going to break this to her?

The neighborhood is oddly quiet tonight. It’s a warm late June night and there should be kids outside riding their bikes, just living life. But there’s nobody. I kill the engine and pull the keys out of the ignition and take a deep breath.She knew what she was getting into when she married me.

We will get through this.

I promised her we would.

I stop at the front door, my key hovering over the deadbolt. I close my eyes and tell myself that everything is going to be okay. Three months. We can survive a three-month deployment. Zoe will be eight months old. I’ll miss the adoption.Fuck.

Lock it up, Gage. Ale is going to be upset. Don’t make it worse by being upset.

Walking into our home and hearing a belly laugh from Zoe and the sound of Ale blowing on what I assume is her stomach. I silently put my keys down and take my blouse off and toss it on the table, too. I unlace my boots and line them against the wall.Their laughter makes my heart feel so full and yet, it’s breaking because I’ll miss some of this.

“Gage?” Ale’s voice gets closer, and I’m sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, just staring at the front door. “What’s wrong,Cariño? Bad day?”

She hands me Zoe and my daughter smiles at me, her little chubby hand reaching for my face. I cuddle her closer to me, kissing her face, and as much as I want to hide my emotions, I don’t.

“I’m leaving in two weeks,Hermosa. We’re going to be gone for three months.” I pull her down to me and kiss her, hard.

“Okay,amor. We knew this would happen. We’ll be okay.” Ale sounds so sure. She’s the one who has the level head in this situation and it just makes me appreciate her even more.

“God, what did I do to deserve you?” I kiss her again and again. “You just came in here, stole my heart, took to raising Zoe like it was nothing, and fell in love with me. I still don’t understand it.”

I shift Zoe, and Ale straddles my thigh, framing my face with her hands. “I don’t know who made you question your worth, Gage. But let me tell you this once and for all. You deserve a good life, baby. You deserve to be happy. I love you, and sure, the way we came together was unorthodox, but it’s working for us. Gage Donovan, you are an amazing father and husband. I’m blessed to have you.”

I’m not just a guy you fuck until the better guy comes along.

She loves me and thinks I’m deserving of a good life.

Why can’t I see that for myself?

As much as I don’t want to admit it, Kiera’s words and the past made their impression on me. It’s almost like I’m just waiting for the shit to hit the fan and for Ale to change her mind. To leave me and to tell me I’m nothing worth keeping. My ownfather couldn’t stick around because he said I wasn’t shit. But Ale sees something in me.

I just pray I’m enough for her.

I need to heal whatever this shit inside my head is. For her and our children. I refuse to be a shit husband and father, like Victor says when I’m in. It’s all or nothing.

And right now, I’m giving this all I’ve got inside of me.

“We’ve got this, pretty girl.” I hug her closer to me and breathe her scent in.

I’ve got two weeks to soak all of this in.

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