Page 89 of Misery In Me

“Well, not completely a Dada, but I will take it.” I laugh, hoisting her up and kissing her belly.

“Don’t let her fool you. She’s been saying it for a few days now.” Ale steps forward, and I pull her into our embrace, the three of us united in a tight hug. I can feel her tears soaking into my shirt, and I know she’s been holding onto this moment just as tightly as I have.

“I’m home, Ale,” I murmur into her hair. “I’m finally home.”

She pulls back, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’ve missed you so much, Gage. So fucking much,Cariño.” She looks at Zoe, who is babbling away in my arms, oblivious to the depth of our reunion. “And Zoe has grown so much. It’s hard to believe it was only three months.”

I smile, looking down at my daughter. “She’s a big girl now, isn’t she?” I say, tickling her belly. She squeals with laughter, and the sound is music to my ears. I turn my attention back to Ale, cupping her face in my hands. “And you? How have you been?”

She takes a deep breath, her expression sobering. “I’ve been okay. The social worker did her visit and everything is in order for the adoption. And the baby...” She places my hand on her belly, and I feel a slight kick. “The baby is growing strong.”

I smile, feeling a surge of protectiveness and love. “That’s my boy or girl in there,” I say, my voice filled with pride. “Fuerte y feroz, como su madre.”

Ale laughs softly, and for a moment, we just stand there, holding each other, soaking in the reality of being togetheragain. But beneath the joy, there’s an underlying sadness, a void left by Ryder’s absence.

Morales approaches, clapping me on the back. “We’re home! Now it’s time to have that baby and enjoy a little R&R.”

Rebecca and their kids stand by his side. She gives me a warm smile. “We’re glad you’re home safe,” she adds.

I nod, grateful for their support. “Thanks, Bec. It’s good to be back and thank you for everything you did for Ale while I was gone.” I look around at the crowd, the sea of happy faces, and feel a pang of guilt. Everyone is celebrating, but I can’t help but think of Ryder, how his wife isn’t here, how he should be holding her like I’m holding Ale.

Ale must sense my shift in mood because she squeezes my hand, her thumb rubbing soothing circles on my skin. “Let’s get you home,” she says softly. “You need some rest, and we have a lot of catching up to do.”

I nod, following her lead. We say our goodbyes to Morales and the others, letting them know I’ll text them tomorrow. We make our way to the truck and Zoe bounces happily in my arms. I just can’t shake Ryder not being here. It’s a physical ache in my chest, a constant reminder of the cost of our freedom.

One that everyone takes for granted.

The drive home is a blur of familiar sights and sounds. Ale fills me in on the details of the past week because we were in River City and comms were down, of Zoe’s milestones, and the preparations for the baby’s arrival. I listen, my heart swelling with love and pride, but my mind is elsewhere, in the building back in Afghanistan.

I pull into the driveway,taking a deep breath, steeling myself for everything that’s about to surface. This is home, but it’s also a reminder of everything I’ve missed and the sacrifices I’ve made.

Ale leads me inside, and the familiar scent of our home envelops me. It’s a comforting embrace, a welcome back to the life I’ve been longing for. Zoe wriggles in my arms and I set her down in her play area in the front room. She immediately goes for her toys, leaving Ale and me to talk.

Sensing my unease, she turns to me, her eyes searching mine. “Talk to me, Gage. Tell me what you’re feeling.”

I take a deep breath, letting the emotions well up inside me. “I’m happy to be home, Ale. More than you know. Seeing you and Zoe, you pregnant with our baby...” I place a hand on her belly, feeling the slight movement beneath my palm. “It’s everything I’ve dreamed of. But there’s a part of me that’s still back there with Ryder.”

Ale’s eyes fill with tears, and she nods understandingly. “I know, Gage. I can see it in your eyes, the pain you’re carrying. You don’t have to hide it from me. We’ll get through this together, just like last time. I’m here.”

I pull her into my arms, holding her tight against my chest. “I love you, Ale. More than words can express. And I’m so sorry for the time I’ve missed with Zoe and in the pregnancy.”

She shakes her head, pulling back to look into my eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Gage. You were doing your duty, protecting our country and the people we love. That’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.”

I nod, feeling a lump form in my throat. “I couldn’t protect everyone. Ryder... he deserved better than to go out like that, in the middle of a fucking ambush. You know it replays over and over in my head, like an old film reel. I can still hear the explosions and bullets whizzing by in my ears. I try to freezeevery single second of it, to overanalyze everything I did and said. I try to reconcile that I did everything right and that no matter which way I went about it, he still would have died.”

“Don’t do this to yourself,cariño. You did what you could, and you were able to send him home.”

“It should have been me, though! I’m the team leader.” I draw in a breath. “I should have died. Not him.”

Ale’s eyes well up with tears, and she reaches up to cup my face, grabbing my hand and placing it where our baby is moving. “I know, Gage. And I’m so sorry for your loss. But Ryder would want you to move forward, to live your life to the fullest and honor his memory. He wouldn’t want you to drown yourself in guilt.”

Her words resonate deep within me, stirring something fundamental in my soul. She’s right. Ryder would want me to find joy in my life, to cherish the time I have with my family, and to honor his sacrifice by living with purpose and love.

I take a deep breath. “You’re right, Ale. I can’t change what happened, but I can make sure that Ryder’s death wasn’t in vain. I’ll honor his memory by being the best damned father and husband I can be.”

Ale smiles, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “That’s all any of us can ask for, Gage.”

Later that night,after Zoe is tucked into bed and Ale is resting on the couch, I sit on the swing in the backyard, a bottle of beer in my hand. The night is quiet, the stars above a stark contrast to the chaos I’ve left behind. I take a sip and the bitter liquid makes its way down my throat.

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