Page 125 of Secondhand Smoke
Her mouth opened, then closed. And Barrett knew he was right.
Without another word, for both their sakes, he grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the back door, ignoring anyone trying to get his attention, not caring that they shied away when they saw the look on his face.
He didn’t look back at Nell because he didn’t trust himself if he did.
Didn’t trust himself to have enough control not to yell or not to forget it instantly. She made him unable to predict even himself.
He slammed the door open, leading them out into the freezing alleyway outside, a fresh layer of December snow already mixing with the dirty slush on the ground. He let go when the door shut heavily behind them and stared at the alley wall, taking a few deep breaths.
Finally, when he was calmer, he turned around.
Nell was staring at him, her eyes wide and dilated. When they met him, they darted away to the snow like a scared animal.
Barrett ran a hand down his face.
“Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like.”
She remained silent for a long time. The snowflakes were heavy enough that Barrett could hear them hitting the top of her head, and he could watch them slowly melt into her hair.
It was almost romantic.
Almost.
“I didn’t want to tell you,” she muttered toward her feet.
Barrett laughed humorlessly. “Clearly. And yet, here we are. Why, Nell? Why would you do that? You know how I feel about that stuff. Ispecificallytold you that.”
Her eyes shot up to his. “I know that. I just . . . I just need it sometimes, okay? But I’m okay, I promise. It helps with the stress, and I didn’t want to distract you right now. I’m fine. Really. I’m really fine. See?” She gestured to herself, laughing suddenly like he’d told her a joke.
Dots Barrett had never noticed appeared, and he finally connected them all. They’d been there the whole time.
The sudden bursts of energy. The extreme highs sandwiched between simmering lows. The wide, dilated eyes. The intense,screaming nightmares. The random nose bleeds. This whole time, he’d rationalized it all, never considering for a moment that she was doing cocaine.
Barrett covered his face with his hands, threw his head back, and groaned, mumbling curse after curse into his palms. “Oh my god. I’m so blind. I’m so stupid. Why the fuck didn’t I realize it?”
Nell’s small, soft hands covered his and pulled them away from his face, forcing him to look at her. She looked more relaxed than he felt. But he guessed that was the powder kicking in. “It’s not a big deal, okay? I’m good.”
Barrett pulled away. Probably for the first time ever.
“That’s the problem, Nell. Itisa big deal to me, and you know that.”
She searched his face carefully, and the more she stared, the less relaxed she looked and the more her high seemed to be regressing. Her brows furrowed like she couldn’t understand something. “That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”
Barrett sighed. “That just makes it so much worse. You lied to me, Nell.”
Nell seemed to understand now. Her hands shied away. “I’m sorry.” Tears welled.
For the first time, Barrett fought against his urge to reach out and hold her.
* * *
For the first time in weeks, Barrett and Nell slept in different beds, in different rooms.
He pretended to be asleep when the others arrived late at night, stumbling drunk and high, and ignored their confused whispers.
It was both a blessing and a curse the next morning when they drove home. He didn’t have to play any shows while he was upset, but now he had to sit in a car with the others awkwardly looking between the two of them. Then he had to go home and figure out what to do with himself when she was right there.
He couldn’t look at her as they drove the hour to Gemsburg. His hand itched to reach for hers, but he couldn’t. She, at least, did not reach for him because he didn’t trust himself to not immediately give into her.
