Page 53 of Secondhand Smoke
Didn’t need to, though. No use pretending.
“It’s okay, buddy.” Toni patted his shoulder, trying to hide his smug grin. “We already knew.”
19 - Nell
It was a good thing she didn’t go to Seventh Circle’s gig in Bellevue. She’d forgotten it was her mother’s birthday, and it would have broken her weak heart if Nell had missed it.
Despite Nell having been genuinely angry at herself for not being able to go, it worked out for the better.
By six o’clock Sunday evening, their house had an additional six people crowded around the kitchen table that had been lengthened and filled with borrowed chairs.
Nell’s maternal grandparents had taken the spots nearest her as her mother’s two sisters sat across from their husbands. Her mother loved big families, so any chance she got, she loved to have them around. She would have loved to have a big family herself if it had been possible.
Unlike Nell’s parents, most of their family didn’t hold their religious beliefs to the level her parents did, so sitting in the middle of the table was a single bottle of wine for those who drank to partake in.
Her mother and father, of course, abstained.
Nell pretended to be disinterested, but her mouth itched to get some of it and ease the uneasiness of this “party”. Based on the way her father’s eyes purposefully skipped over the bottle, he must have felt the same.
The group discussed this or that. Some second cousin just had a baby, and Nell’s closest cousin, Marcus, had just been sentoff to an Ivy League school—so much bright and exciting news happening in the family.
Her mother grinned and acted like it was the best news she’d heard in years. And maybe it was, given the way things had been going around here lately.
And although they all laughed and chatted and smiled, and pretended they didn’t notice, Nell caught her uncle Stephen staring at her with that pitying judgment she’d come to recognize.
Once upon a time, they’d all bragged about her happy accomplishments too. Now, her name was taboo—the kind that made people go quiet, tsk their tongue, and whisper “how unfortunate” under their breath. She was the elephant in every room.
After the food was gone, they all moved into the living room to chat and present her mother with her birthday gifts. Big boxes and bags with expensive wrapping were pulled out, and Nell shrank further into the background.
She hadn’t had the foresight to grab a gift, hadn’t been thoughtful enough to remember her mother’s special day.
So she did her best to smile every time her mother ripped off the paper and hugged Nell’s grandparents, then her aunts and uncles, then finally Nell’s father.
Nell was happy for her mom. Seeing her smile, laugh, and forget about everything made her happy. But surrounded by all that happiness, Nell couldn’t feel it.
She couldn’t feel the expanding of her heart or the natural giddy giggles. She could feel some disconnected line of happiness there, cut somewhere in between.
Disconnected from everyone and everything in the room. The bright lamps and ceiling lights filled the area, putting everyone else on a stage, while she sat in the dark shroudedaudience with no lines and no part in this story, hiding behind the fourth wall.
She blinked while taking in everyone’s stories, and smiled because she should, and nodded because everyone else did. In the end, she would stand and applaud.
“What about you, Janelle?” Her grandmother reached through the fourth wall and shattered her observation with a slap.
Now, the spotlight was on Nell. Her smile faltered.
It was the longest sentence any of her family members had uttered to her since they’d arrived.
“What?” Nell’s eyes jumped at all the pairs watching her.
“What did you get for your mother?”
Nell bit the inside of her cheek, and her hands came together so she could pick at the jagged, chewed ends of her nails. “I’m sorry, Mom. I forgot to ask before. What would you like?”
“Oh.” Her mother blinked, then her nose scrunched up like she was thinking. “Now that you mention it, there is one thing I would really love from you, sweetheart.”
Nell exhaled, grateful that she didn’t try to push it off. If her mother had said nothing, she would have been stuck scrambling inside her jumbled mind for an idea. She smiled, trying to make it reach her eyes. “Okay.”
“I’d love to go for a drive with you again.”
