Page 144 of Not That Ridiculous

He never did give me my key back.

I never did ask.

“You know what,” I said, “I don’t even care anymore. Do whatever you want, I’d really like life to get back to normal, Liam,” I said.

“I’ll do my best.”

I held out an impatient hand for his dirty plate and cup, thanked him, and told him to see himself out.

My mood wasn’t improved when I returned to the front and found Jasper having a standoff with Karen Strickland.

Karen had taught English at Chipping Fairford’s secondary school before she retired a few years ago. She was only in her fifties, and she liked to keep busy with a wide variety of hobbies. One of those hobbies was journalism. She was the part-time intrepid reporter for theChipping Fairford Inquirerand, until he quit his journalism career after the nearly-sued-by-Ray’s-dad incident, Jasper’s biggest rival.

The antagonism was a one-way thing. She clearly found him endlessly entertaining.

“Hi, Karen,” I said, grabbing a cup. “Usual?”

“Wonderful. Someone who understands the principles of basic customer service. I’d love a cappuccino, thanks, Charlie.”

Jasper vibrated with indignation. “I asked!”

“What doyouwantwas a bit vague, considering the marked emphasis on the wordyou.Were you asking to take my order? Were you being rude and demanding to know why I’m in the shop? Are you interested in my hopes and dreams? It was unclear.”

I nudged Jasper out of the way and got to frothing the milk for her cappuccino. “Anything to eat?”

“What’s good today?”

“Pain au chocolat,” I said promptly.

“Mm. I’ll have one of those.” She smiled at Jasper, who I had to shove out of the way again, this time to reach the pastry case. “Done any writing recently?” she asked politely.

“No,” Jasper said, regressing to a sullen teenager before my very eyes. Ah. I remembered it well. He’d been a surly, emo nightmare.

“If you ever get back to it,” Karen said, “I’d be more than happy to take a look at anything you do write.”

For some reason this generous offer made Jasper flush hotly before turning a startling, waxy green. “No,” he managed in a strangled voice. “No.Never. Oh god,no.”

“Redundant,” she said, and lifted a finger. “One no was concise enough.”

I swore I heard his teeth grind.

To me, she said, “Charlie, can you spare me a moment?”

We were both watching Jasper, who was clearly having a moment of his own. He’d gone from hostile to horrified to fuming, and was now quivering with anticipation.

“Of course,” I said. “What can I do for you?”

“I have some questions about the dead body found in your house.”

“Hah!” Jasper pointed in triumph at the sign taped to the till. “Banned until Christmas!”

Karen looked at me and arched a brow.

“You’re writing an article?” I asked.

“I am.”

I sighed and tipped my head. “You’d better come around, or it won’t be news to anyone, since all you nosy bastards are listening in.” That last bit I said in a loud voice, aimed at the rapt audience behind us.

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