Page 5 of Not That Ridiculous

Kevin wasn’t even a little bit gay. He was one ofthoselads.

The kind that bash their merry way through life being solid, sturdy, and extremely heterosexual.

The kind of lad to duck out of secondary education as soon as it was legal, get himself apprenticed to a trade, and already be socking away good money while everyone else was scrambling to get into university.

The kind of lad whose leisure activities were centred around the gym, the pub, and the people he’d known since primary school. Who went out with as many women as he could talk into bed before he eventually settled down, had kids, and became a poster boy for the heteronormative happily ever after.

I was not even remotely like that.

I was an arsehole, I’d never had a relationship, and I had my life how I liked it.

Quiet, ordered, and independent.

I finished work and I went home to my elderly dog, Phil, who I loved more than anyone on this planet. Phil and I had supper together. We went for a slow walk around the block. When we came back from our walk, I hacked away at the endless mountain of admin and paperwork that comes with owning your own small business while Phil lay on my feet and supervised. After that, we either sat on the sofa and watched TV, or went straight to bed.

I didn’t even have a preferred side of the bed. I had it all to myself, and I slept in the middle.

I slept the whole night through because no one was snoring. When I got up in the morning, the kitchen was as tidy as I’d left it when I’d retired the night before.

Yes, I lived like a seventy-year-old widower, and I liked it that way.

The life that lay ahead of Kevin bore little to no resemblance to the life that lay ahead of me.

I didn’t want a life like his.

But, fuck.

I wanted Kevin.

2

Iknew who was standing on my doorstep before I even opened the door. I recognised the jaunty knock. I could practicallyfeelhis perpetually happy mood beaming through the solid wood, trying to irradiate me with good humour and cheer.

“Hi, Charlie!” Jasper was wearing grey sweatpants and a tight, peach-pink t-shirt that showcased his insane body, and also demanded that the viewerGIVE ME MORE!!!“I thought I’d swing by and pick you up, since we’re both going to the gym and you’re on my way.”

That was Jasper-speak for,Hi, Charlie. I knew that you were going to try and squirm out of our gym date for the fifth time in a row, so today I decided to kidnap you and make you do it.

Before I could start arguing, nails clicked on the parquet floor in the hall behind me and Jasper folded to his knees, cooing, “Well, hello toyou, big boy.” He shoved me aside and opened his arms wide, ready to receive Phil for their customary lovefest of a greeting.

Phil continued his steady plod towards the open door, and didn’t stop plodding until he was nose to nose with Jasper, panting happily.

I sighed. “You’d better come in.”

All three of us got tangled up in the doorway for a moment. I bent down and fitted my hands around Phil’s barrel chest. Heaving his front end up with a grunt, I pivoted him on his back paws a good forty-five degrees and made room for Jasper to squeeze through into the hall.

“Look at your beautiful face,” he said. To Phil, not me. “Lookat you. Why are you so cute? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to kill me with your cuteness? Because I think you are. Yes, you are. Yes, youare.”

He glanced up and his cheeks pinkened, even as he continued to fuss Phil, who’d sat his big furry butt down and was leaning into Jasper’s hands. Phil let out one of his deep and happy groans. “Right.” Jasper stood up reluctantly. “Are you ready to go?”

“I thought I’d get my exercise in by taking Phil for a walk, actually,” I said. I craftily tacked on, “Why don’t you join us?”

“I’d love to take Phil for a walk,” he said with enthusiasm. “When we get back from the gym.”

“Or instead, maybe? Walking is the best exercise.”

“Walking’s great,” Jasper agreed. “Low impact, easy on the joints, decent cardio. But since Phil has the top speed of a three-year-old child, it’s not going to cut it.”

It was worth a try.

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