Page 51 of Not That Ridiculous

I lunged for his phone.

He put a hand in the centre of my chest, holding me back.

“What do you think you’re doing? Leave Kevin out of this!”

You’re coming, then?”

“No.”

He shrugged and theatrically lifted his phone.

“Jasper.”

“Charlie, you’re coming to the gym. Youaskedme to make you. I’m fulfilling my vow.”

“I did no such thing.”

“Yes, you did. Look.” He turned his phone to me and pressed play.

I was on the screen, banging a milk jug smartly on the counter and yelling over the sound of the bean grinder. I faced away from the camera and my auburn hair was sticking up weirdly in the back.

…be realistic about it, Jasper. The gym is not my thing. I don’t belong there. It’s so not my thing, the only way I’m going to show up once a week is if someone carries me there kicking and screaming.”

“Kicking and screaming. Got it. Will do.”

“Does my hair always look like that?” I said when he removed his phone from my face.

“Only on a bad day,” he said cheerfully, and muscled past me into the house. “Phil!” he called, following it up with those loud kissy noises he was unfortunately prone to making. “Phil, where are you?”

“Do come in, please,” I said, closing the door.

Jasper ignored me as he went striding down the hall. He poked his head into the sitting room. “Phil? Come and have a cuddle!”

“He’s in the garden watching the squirrels raid the bird feeder,” I said over my shoulder and stomped up the stairs.

I leaped into the shower for a quick refresh, dried off and dragged on my gym kit, sighing dramatically when I realised I now had clothes that I referred to as ‘my gym kit’.

I glanced out the window on my way out, and paused.

Phil had Jasper on the ground. From this angle, all I could see of Jasper was a pair of long legs sticking out from under my giant dog, and a pair of hands that he’d dug into the thick ruff around Phil’s neck and was jiggling.

A couple of Phil’s squirrel friends were perched on the bird feeder, snacking on peanuts as they watched the idiots on the lawn.

I shook my head and marched back down the stairs.

In the kitchen, I opened and shut the treat cupboard once, and waited.

Phil bolted in.

Jasper followed, slapping at his shorts and the front of his shirt, knocking off grass and dog hair. “Your lawn needs mowing.”

“Thanks for the critique. It was on the docket for this morning butsomeonedecided to show up and ruin my day. It’s just going to have to wait until next Saturday. Shame.”

He snorted. “You may as well do it tomorrow, because guess what’s happening next Saturday?”

“I won’t be answering the front door?”

“That’s all right. Phil will let me in. Won’t you, Phil? Huh? Yes, you will.”

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