“We don’t want the same thing. He wants casual hook-ups and I like relationships. I don’t know how to do casual. It’s sort of a relic of my foster care upbringing. Relationships are all or nothing to me. If I open up to someone enough to be intimate with them, I’m already all in. It’s hard for me to get to that point with anyone and I can’t just turn it off at will. Sometimes I wish I could…”
Abby is looking at me like I just broke her heart. I can see a tear forming in the corner of her eye.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
“I’m sorry! It’s the stupid pregnancy hormones. I’m like a snowball of emotions.”
She walks out of the room and returns with a box of tissues, blotting one against the corner of her eye.
“Do you want to be in a relationship with Ryan? If he were on board with something more serious, would you be, too?” she asks.
I shrug. I honestly hadn’t really considered it. It was never on the table as an option, so I never let my brain wander too far down that path. Now that I am thinking about it though, I don’t think I like the answer.
Abby reads my face and grabs my hand. “Listen, I totally get it. Stop me if this is too weird to hear – I know he’s your boss – but Hunter and I started out as a casual hook-up. We were trapped in his cabin together during a storm after he rescued me off the trail. I fell pretty hard and fast, so I get it. I can’t imagine if those feelings hadn’t been reciprocated or if we hadn’t found our way back to each other. But, for what it’s worth, I think Ryan could be swayed back to being a one-woman-man for the right woman.”
She raises her eyebrows mischievously.
“I’m not sure that’s me,” I say, “and I don’t want to find out if it’s not.”
“Fair enough,” Abby shrugs.
“And friends are always good.”
“Cheers to that!” Abby says, raising her water glass to clink against mine.
___
On Saturday morning, I wake up feeling hungover despite the fact that I drank zero alcohol last night. My muscles feel tense and achy, and my stomach is queasy. I knew work was a pretty good distraction, but I underestimated how big of a distractionit was. Without it, all the unresolved problems of last weekend creep back into my brain.
Add to that my newfound obsession with knowing if Ryan went home with someone else last night. He’s not mine to claim, but it would hurt to be forgotten so quickly.
My new weekend routine is wandering down to the bakery in an outfit that I would normally not be caught dead in and stuffing my face with German bread and pastries for the rest of the day.
Today, the outfit is a pair of iridescent mermaid scale leggings and an oversized t-shirt with a smiling avocado on it. The baked goods are a cinnamon roll and a small bag of brotchen.
The bakery is already buzzing with people by the time I make it downstairs. I wait patiently near the small hallway to my room while I wait for my order number to be called out.
Instead, I hear my name.
Ryan appears in front of me, parting the dense crowd to join me. I’m seriously regretting my outfit choice as he looks me up and down and laughs.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Picking up my friend for our hike,” he smirks.
“Oh, I didn’t know you and Olga were so close. I hope you guys have a good time.”
Right on cue, Olga calls my number and shoves a bag of items at me.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” Ryan asks.
“Well, considering that no one told me about this alleged hiking trip…yes, this is what I plan to wear while eating a cinnamon roll on my sofa.”
“Did you order two of them?” Ryan peeks inside my bag and looks disappointed by his findings.
“Do you have a concussion? You know that you never once mentioned this to me, right?”
“I thought you might say no,” he shrugs.