Page 74 of Teach Me to Laugh

“You’re right.” I said, shaking. “You shouldn’t.”

The book I clutched to my chest was the only shield I had to wield—and I wielded it like it might just save me from whatever bullets Jayden aimed my way. His eyes fell to the book and lifted back to my face.

He looked—well; there was sorrow and apology I couldn’t understand in his gaze. I couldn’t connect it to the monster I’d once known. “I had to come. It’s—I promise you this will be the last time you’ll ever see me.”

“Good.”

“Amara, listen, I . . .”

“What do you want?” God, I hated the weakness I knew he could hear in my words. I hated it so much, because it didn’t seem to matter how strong I became, when it came to Jayden, I’d always be the weak little girl he manipulated and used.

“I’m sorry. For everything.”

“You’re sorry?” I couldn’t believe this. “You’re sorry you’re a horrible person?”

“I’ve gotten help. I don’t—do what I once did. I’m not that person anymore.”

“I don’t care.” I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear about this.

“I know.” He said quietly, looking to his shoes. “I just, it’s selfish, I guess.” He paused, but I didn’t speak. “I have my whole life ahead of me and I know I made mistakes. I made them and I’ll regret them forever, but I want to be better now. I can be better and for me, that starts with closing the door to my past.”

“Am I a door?”

“Yes.”

I wanted to ask about the girl he’d ruined. Was she a door too?

As though reading my mind, he admitted, “I have a lot of doors to close.”

Again, I said nothing.

“I’ve gotten help, Amara. I’ve had years of counseling and when I’m finished here tonight, I have a flight to catch. I’m going away and starting new. But I wanted you to know I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did. I’m sorry I tainted you. I just needed you to know that. I needed to know that you were happy.” He didn’t smile, but there was something surprisingly gentle in his eyes. It had something inside of me stilling. It wasn’t forgiveness; I didn’t think I had it in me to give that to him. I didn’t think I was strong enough yet, or secure in myself enough, to give forgiveness to either of us. Not now. Maybe not ever.

He continued. “I know you saw me Saturday. I saw you first though. I saw you with him and I knew it then—you are happy. I wasn’t going to seek you out, but then you saw me. And I knew I freaked you out. I knew I took your happiness again, manipulated you again. I couldn’t leave without making that right. So I’m here.”

“You think this makes it all better?” I asked, not quite knowing what possessed me.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, but I hope one day you do. As for me, I have to find a way to forgive myself. I know I’m your monster, but I have monsters of my own I know I’ll fight every day,” he looked, for a moment, like a young boy. And for the first time, I thought that maybe Jayden wasn’t solely the monster, but the victim to a crime I didn’t entirely understand. A victim who’d become something abhorrent in response to the pain he suffered. “I hope you have a nice life, Amara.”

I watched as he turned, but it wasn’t until he was at the end of the aisle, that I called, “Jay,” he turned, hope in his eyes.That’s when I said the words I never thought I’d say, “I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope you find—good.”

“Me too.” His chin dipped into his chest, and I thought maybe he was going to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t know what possessed me to say the words I said next. I didn’t know where the strength came from. I didn’t even know that I was ready to take this next step in healing—until the words sounded—echoing in the distance between us. “I forgive you for the pain you caused me. I forgive you—not for you, but for me. But Jayden, I never want to see you again.”

He didn’t smile, but his eyes were filled with a tortured relief that was both achingly devastating and sweetly liberating.

Then Jayden was gone from my life.

It was as a long breath blew out from between my lips as my body sagged against the shelf of books, that I felt the pressure in my soul abate. I was finally, truly, wholly free.

In forgiveness, I had found liberation.

It was then that I realized the hard truth. Sometimes it takes facing your past, with all the monsters and all the pains that lurk within it, before you can really and truly find the peace you need to move on, move forward, and find happiness.

And I couldn’t find that true happiness until I released my heart from its prison of hate.

I burst through the door of the condo I shared with Beckett exactly an hour and a half later. As expected, he was sitting at theisland counter, nose buried in his books. I desperately hoped he was up for a study break, because I was feeling free in a way that demanded action. Not only action, but immediate action.

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