Page 2 of Silent Verity

A FEW MONTHS LATER

I wasn’t doing well.

Hell, saying I wasn’t doing well was a fucking understatement.

I was spiraling. And I’d been doing so damn good at keeping it hidden so Dalton wouldn’t notice, but every day, it was getting harder and harder to keep that mask on my face. To keep plastering a smile onto my lips and hang around the guys and pretend nothing was wrong while what I wanted was so fucking far away, yet so goddamn close.

For two years, Dalton and I had shared a room. And for longer than that, I’d slept over at his place, and we’d shared a bed, and he’d cuddled me because having him wrapped around me helped to keep my head silent and to keep my anxiety and depression from being so fucking loud in my brain.

Now that the six of us had thrown our money into a pot and bought this huge fucking house, there was no longer any reason for Dalton and me to share a room. There wasn’t any reason for us to share a bed and cuddle anymore.

I hadn’t had a good night’s rest since we moved in. I tossed and turned more often than not, and when I did manage to sleep, I just had nightmares about my mother and her random fits of rage when she was sober and how neglectful she was when she was happy and high.

I’d discreetly—so discreetly even my best friends didn’t know—gone to see a doctor for my sleeplessness. I’d been put on sleeping pills, but after a few nights of using them, I grew terrified I’d become addicted to them since drug abuse ran in my family, and I’d stopped taking them. Addiction was hereditary, and I wasn’t chancing that shit.

Sighing, I adjusted myself on the pool float and lifted my blunt to my lips. Smoking was the only crutch I allowed myself. Sometimes, I drank occasionally, but I never felt the burning need to smoke, and if I started smoking too much, I usually caught myself and left it alone for a while, even if it left me miserable and constantly in a mental low.

I was a contradiction. I knew that. Smoking but not allowing myself to take sleeping pills? Didn’t make a lot of sense, but a lot of shit I did now didn’t make sense to me when Dalton had slipped through my fingers and put a wall up between us.

The clouds moved from in front of the sun, no longer blocking the rays, and warmth bled into my skin as the sun shone down on me. It almost felt like it was mocking my shit mood, but life tended to do that enough to me as it was, so I was pretty used to being mocked. There was nothing quite like having a shitty mom who didn’t give two fucks about me and spending most of my time at my best friend’s house in high school, where he had loving parents who adored him and gave him everything in the fucking world.

But I wouldn’t wish on Dalton what the fuck me and our friends had gone through. Salem never talked about his family, but I knew they were the shittiest out of all of our parents. Tor’s wasn’t much better. Kalin’s mom had passed away when he was a toddler in a car crash, and his dad lost himself in the bottom of a bottle, never to surface again. Spike had spent his entire childhood in foster care after his mom lost him to the state and never cared enough to get clean and get him back.

The back door opened, and Spike stepped outside, a cigarette between his lips. His hand was already cupping the cigarette, and he was lifting the lighter up when he spotted me, jerking in surprise. I lifted a hand and waved at him.

“You scared the shit out of me,” he said, shutting the back door and making his way to the pool. He sat on the edge and let his legs dangle into the water. Then, he lit his cigarette before setting his Zippo lighter aside. “What the hell are you doing out here?”

“Smoking,” I deadpanned, holding my blunt up for him to see. “Same as you.”

He sighed. “You’re smoking a lot lately, man. Everything okay?”

I shrugged, brushing his concerns off. “Everything’s chill. Just want to relax.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, and it took everything in me to not squirm uncomfortably. Spike had always been intuitive, and it was like if he looked hard enough, he could see right through me to all the internal bleeding happening. Physically, I was fine. Emotionally, all of my organs were rupturing. And my heart was in the worst condition of all.

My brain wasn’t far behind.

“Liar,” he finally said.

I scoffed. “Why are you smoking more?” I hit back. Spike rarely smoked cigarettes, but lately, I’d noticed he picked up more on the habit, too. When he just grunted, I snorted. “That’s what I fucking thought.”

“We ready for the upcoming tour?” Spike asked, changing the subject. He didn’t even bother to do it subtly, but that wasn’t his style. Spike was blunt, and he didn’t bother to hide anything he did. And if he didn’t want to talk about something, he damn well wouldn’t.

I was aching for the tour. At least on the tour bus, I’d be in close quarters with everyone, and Dalton and I might be forced to share a bunk again like we used to. And even if we didn’t, at least he’d still be closer than he was currently. Right now, several feet separated our rooms, and there were always two doors between us. And while it was only a few feet between our rooms, it felt like an entire ocean.

It was wrong.

“Yeah,” I grunted, hoping I was hiding the longing in my voice well enough. “I’m ready to be back on the stage.” Besides, being on tour meant we were always busy. Hopefully, staying busy would mean that by the time I got back on the bus, showered, and got into bed, I would be too tired for my brain to run rampant like it did all the time now.

Spike eyed me again, but this time, he didn’t pry. He just nodded and lifted his cigarette back to his lips. Silence settled between us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.

Hell, maybe both of us needed the company instead of being alone. Because Dalton and I weren’t the only ones who’d separated rooms. Kalin and Spike had, too. I wondered if, like me, Spike was struggling to cope, too. If having Kalin in another room from him felt as wrong as having Dalton away from me did.

But I didn’t ask any of that. I never would. Because the last thing I wanted was my feelings getting back to Dalton, and he pull away completely. At least, right now, I still had him as my best friend, even if there was distance between us.

I didn’t want to lose more of him than I already had.

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