Page 76 of Gorgeous

“Take a walk with me?”

The air is sticky, but that’s not why sweat is beading along the back of my neck. I’m nervous—first-date-teenage-boy kind of nervous.

“I was supposed to be giving an interview that day,” I start, clasping her hand in comfort as we trek through the blistering heat, another seaweed drink in my hand, Breck with one as well. Anniston insisted we both needed some detoxifying—for obvious reasons. Me from the sedative, Breck from the unknown amounts of alcohol she consumed last night.

My gaze, locked on the pear tree ahead of us, stays steady as I continue with my story. “She was an embedded observer, more commonly known to civilians as an American journalist. She was doing a piece on humanitarian efforts in Afghanistan.” By my side, Breck stays quiet, giving me time to put my thoughts together. My breathing is choppy and harsh when I finally pull in a cleansing breath and start again. “But instead of interviewing me, we decided our time would be better spent engaging in other oral activities.” Breck’s face flinches. “I can stop,” I tell her, knowing no girl likes to hear about past conquests.

She shakes her head. “No, keep going.”

I wish she would tell me to go to hell and never talk to me again. She’s crazy for even entertaining my story. “Well, I’ll spare you the details, but my team, this kid Brannon to be exact, called me saying they had a lead and wanted to know if they should proceed or wait on me.” Bringing up Brannon and Drew always sends my blood pressure through the roof, but I know she needs to hear it. Relationships have to be built on trust, and although I’ve never cared to have one in the past, I do now. I want to do things right by Breck.

Breck’s steps falter for a second but we keep walking toward the barn. “I wasn’t finished with the journalist, but Brannon said they needed to move quick before they lost their guide.” I cough to relieve the tightness in my chest. “I sent them on without me. Drew was their captain, and would have taken over the team after our tour ended. I was being groomed to become a colonel. It was my last field assignment before I would join my fellow commissioned officers behind a desk.”

A tear falls down Breck’s face and I squeeze her hand. “My past is not an easy one to digest,” I tell her. “Men would line the streets of Madison for a chance to date you. You don’t have to settle for me. I’m fucked up and I can’t promise I’ll ever be normal.”

Breck shrugs a shoulder, trying to soak up the tear with her shirt. “I know what I’m getting into, Cade. Please continue with your story.”

I don’t really think she does. I think she believes there is something in me that can be saved. It’s like trying to salvage moldy cheese. You can cut off the bad spots and it looks normal, but it’s still rotten cheese.

But I indulge her, allowing my demons their platform. “For an hour, I entertained my American companion—work seemed like a foreign concept until the sun set. I had almost forgotten that I sent them, but then my radio chimed out a broken sound—it was a call for help.” My voice turns gravelly and Breck now has a steady stream of tears running down her face.

I spare her the gruesome scene of finding Drew with his eye hanging out of its socket, his leg completely detached from his body. I leave out that I couldn’t even recognize Kyle, Parker, and Lewis. Their bodies were mangled, the IED obliterating everything that was caught in its path. “I heard the explosion while I was en route.”

Breck sucks in a sob and I pray she doesn’t run screaming after this. “By the time I got to them, my brother and the three others were dead. The only one alive was the kid, Brannon.” Breck releases my hand to cover her face, her cries becoming almost uncontrollable. “I sat with him, amongst the rubble, my dead brother staring at me. I sat there …”

A memory tugs at me. One I’ve pushed down for years. I swallow, my brain purging the last memory I have of Brannon. “I sat there while this kid told me a story of his little sister who had this amazing spirit, selfless and free. He proclaimed how he had always admired her but was pissed that she was more fearless than he was.”

Breck whimpers beside me but I keep going, unable to stop the memories. “He said he knew she would be okay without him because she had the heart of a warrior.” I swipe at my eyes, surprised that I’m showing emotion in front of Breck when I’ve smothered it down every time before. “He pulled a letter out of his pocket—some guys keep a letter on them in case they don’t make it back home—and told me that when I delivered it to tell her that when it rains, the heavens would open and he would be watching her.”

I take a breath, his request sending painful spasms through my chest. “I was supposed to hand deliver the letter with his message.” Shame churns in my gut. “I tried once, but no one was home, so I passed it on to another officer to handle. I couldn’t bear to face Brannon’s family or the sister he spoke about so reverently.”

Breck looks away from me, swiping at her face. “I’m sure she knew,” she says, her voice meeker than I’ve ever heard. “I’m sorry, Cade. I don’t feel so well. The alcohol is finally catching up with me. Would you mind if we continue this conversation later?”

Disappointment settles around me, thick and stagnant, just like the weather. “Sure. I’ll walk you back.”

“Actually, I think I would like a ride home, if that’s okay.”

This time, the last thing I want to do is take her home.

Dear B,

Not much to report. The days are long and the nights are lonely. The good news is that Jess sent me a letter, and she signed it with XOXO. That’s hugs and kisses, right? We talked about going out once I get back. (Insert fist bump.) Knowing she’s willing to give me a chance makes counting down these last couple of weeks more manageable. Are you still killing it in class? Major mentioned your cookies again. Don’t be stingy, you don’t need the calories. Send us more. We’re starving.

#theyaresodamngood #bigbroisgoingtoscore #jennett #yepImadejessandIashipname

Ben

Cade’s rendition of the night my brother died had me curled into the fetal position while the shower pelted me until the water ran cold. Sue tried coaxing me out of the room with promises of pound cake, but even the sugary sweetness couldn’t pry me from the bathroom floor.

Cade answered the questions I’ve always wondered. Did Bennett think of me? Did he die alone?

The answers both warmed me and crushed my soul at the same time. In his final moments, Bennett thought of me. Cade thinks he killed my brother by not going on the mission with them, but in reality it was his purpose to comfort a dying man, to be by his side, providing him strength to let go. Cade will never know the debt I owe him. Out of everyone, it was Cade who found Bennett. His hero. His mentor. His big brother. If it couldn’t have been me, I’m glad it was him even though he suffers so painfully from the incident.

The thought that my brother and his brother’s death triggers his PTSD causes this insane feeling of guilt within me. I wanted to come clean and tell him that the kid he referred to as Brannon was my brother. The girl with a heart of a warrior was me, except I don’t feel like I have a warrior’s heart right now. It feels shattered like glass, bleeding me from the inside out.

I freaked when he shared Bennett’s final moments. I couldn’t even breathe let alone muster up the courage to disclose my secret. I’m terrified once I tell him all the progress we’ve made will be obliterated. Cade won’t have anything to do with me once he finds out who I really am. I know Anniston said he may surprise me, but I’m not so sure. I think he’s more resilient with her than any other person. But maybe it’s for the best. Maybe that will help me leave and go back home. Cade trying to talk to me, to form a relationship with me by disclosing his demons, has me on the fence again. If he’s willing to try for us then I want to try, too.

My phone chimes beside me where I currently lay, wrapped only in a towel, staring at the popcorn ceiling in my bedroom. Sue finally gave up on me and let me self-destruct alone. Tomorrow I will have to apologize and hug her for trying to console me. Any other time, I probably would have let her, but not today. Today has too many issues for me to deal with and Sue need not witness my fallout firsthand.

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