Page 58 of The Refiner

Balancing my weight, I keep one hand on the tree while the other pulls Keagan closer to my chest. Her nose goes to mine, her eyes downcast as we both just breathe. Here in this tree, close to the Heavens as Piper said, we’re in our own world. The pain inside us fracturing our very souls, but we’re still standing, with each other.

I don’t know who moved first, maybe it was her, maybe it was me, or maybe the ground shifted and gravity pulled her closer. Either way, her lips part on an exhale and I press my lips to hers.

Body trembling, Keagan’s hands move up the back of my neck, knotting in my hair. We don’t overthink it, we simply give way to our bodies, to our grieving hearts, taking what each other desperately needs—love. In this moment, exploring the taste and feel of each other, we simply exist, soothing the pain in one another. In this tree, with our lips moving frantically, we find peace.

Keagan pulls away, her breath ghosting over my lips. “We can’t do this,” she explains. “You’re Piper’s.”

Inhaling, I lean my forehead against hers. There’s no need in arguing that I never belonged to Piper. Keagan needs a reason to keep this barrier up between us, and unfortunately, I’ll do anything she needs to help her through this.

Pulling back, I offer her a smile. “Come on, let’s get you something to eat.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I can’t betray my sister.”

“You’re not—”

She doesn’t give me time to finish before she jumps down to the ground and walks away.

Sometimes you know when someone has shut down, and Keagan has not only shut me out, but she’s also barricaded the door.

Astor

Keagan refused a ride home.

What’s worse was seeing her get into an Uber with shaking shoulders. She was sobbing from kissing me. I don’t know what made me feel worse, the fact that I didn’t regret kissing her or the fact she did. Mine and Piper’s relationship was based solely on friendship—a complicated friendship—but a friendship, nonetheless.

But explaining it to Keagan will open wounds that I’d still like to ignore a little while longer. I made Piper a promise, and while I had planned to renege on that promise, having Tatum and losing Piper put things back into perspective. Piper was right; I was allowing social norms to control my reaction—to control my life. If I want to achieve my goals, then I need to humble myself. I can’t allow pride to control me any longer—well, any longer after a few more days. I’m not quite ready to spill everything to Keagan.

Keys thinks she wants to know the arrangement between me and her sister—and she does for the most part. Piper was my friend and my doctor, what we agreed when Tatum was conceived is where I lock down the sharing circle. I just need a few more days to sort things out and make arrangements for Tatum, and then I’ll tell Keagan everything. Right now, it’s best if she focuses on healing, which I don’t know if she’s doing because she wouldn’t answer her phone or come to the door when I checked on her.

The kiss upset her.

I get it, and if I’m honest, it was poor timing, but it happened, and I regret nothing. Piper wasn’t my girlfriend or my lover. She was my friend. We didn’t hang out and get naked on the daily. We had sex one time in the heat of the moment, which resulted in Tatum. She didn’t expect or want an engagement ring out of the deal. Like me, Piper was singularly-focused on her career—though Tatum changed that for both of us.

The point is, Piper would be the last one to be upset that I kissed Keagan. Our relationship wasn’t like that.

Now, would it be weird if Piper was still alive and carrying my child? Most definitely. But if Piper wouldn’t have died, I wouldn’t have gotten to know Keagan like I have, nor would we have spent so much time together.

Piper’s passing brought Keagan and me together.

And while I swore off relationships years ago, I’m not all that opposed to see where this is going, which, I suppose is nowhere since Keagan still won’t answer her phone.

I tried to play fair.

I called several times, sent several texts, and knocked on her door.

She ignored me.

Therefore, I’m resorting to more drastic tactics that some would define as low.

Call it what you want, but I refuse to lie awake all night, worrying if Keagan is all right.

Me: I can’t get Tatum to stop crying.

Which is the truth. I couldn’tearlier. I’d been rocking Tatum in the glider for two solid hours. She wouldn’t take a bottle, pacifier, or anything.

Keagan: Did you change her diaper?

Me: Of course.

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