Page 79 of The Refiner

“You were divorced at the baby shower?” She takes another sip of wine straight from the bottle.

“We were in the process.”

“What happened?” Her voice is timid, like she’s unsure if she really wants to know why Rebekah and I divorced.

“I couldn’t give her what she ultimately wanted.” It’s a vague answer, but it buys me time before I have to admit the truth.

“Like what? A ten-carat diamond?” She looks proud of that comment. “Or was it twelve?”

I clear my throat fighting the urge to detach—to get up and leave. “It was an heir.”

Her breath leaves her in a swoosh of air. “What do you mean you couldn’t give her an heir? Did you not want any children?”

A haunting feeling stirs in my chest, icing my insides, reminding me of how I could turn it all off, and I almost let it, until I feel Keagan’s hands push my knees apart, kneeling between my legs. “Did you not want kids, Astor?”

She wants me to say yes. She wants to be right about me. To think I went on the Grace of Mercy ship to avoid her sister and the pregnancy. She wants a reason to lump me in with all the other men she knows.

“Quite the opposite.” I close my eyes and lean back as I let the words out again. This time to the other McKellan sister. “I’ve always wanted children. And Rebekah, even more so. We started trying during our engagement. Rebekah didn’t want to wait until we were married.”

She snorts. “Rebekah just wanted to make sure her divorce settlement would be fatter than her ass.”

This woman. “I don’t know, but either way, she was disappointed.”

I take a breath, calming myself for what I need to say next. “I’m infertile, Keys. I can’t have children.”

Keagan’s eyes narrow, and I know she thinks I’m lying.

“Tatum was a miracle child for me,” I explain. “After a year and a half of trying, Rebekah finally became pregnant.” I gaze down at Keys, locking eyes. “We were both so excited to be parents that we had remodeled the guest room before the morning sickness kicked in. But then…”

Keagan smooths her palms over my thighs when I hesitate. “You can tell me.”

“But then the pain started.” I close my eyes so I don’t have to look at her. “I had met Piper on the Grace of Mercy a couple of years ago. I knew she was a urologist, so I gave her a call.”

“Astor.” I feel her lips press against mine, but I don’t open up for her. I feel too exposed as it is.

“Piper ran some tests.” I open my eyes, so Keagan knows what kind of man I can’t be. “I suffer from varicocele, caused from a genetic abnormality that doesn’t allow the valves to function properly in my—”

“Balls?” Keagan supplies.

“Basically.” I chuckle. “Piper told me that any hope for kids would require a procedure.”

“But Rebekah was pregnant, which I’m guessing was the pool boy’s child and not yours.”

“Another doctor actually.” I shrug like her infidelity still doesn’t sting. “Rod and I weren’t friends or even in the same practice, but he lived two houses down from us.“

“Here?” Keagan looks at the door, like she’s contemplating finishing what she started in the grocery store.

“No. I moved here after we divorced.”

Her shoulders relax a little as she settles back on her heels. “So, this procedure, Piper did it and y’all practiced to see if it worked?” She laughs, but she knows Piper and I better than that. We would have never had some frivolous fling to celebrate.

“I never agreed to the procedure.”

“Why?”

This is the hard part. “I don’t know. Pride. Anger. Likely pride.” I chuckle. “Men are supposed to be able to have children. Especially patriarchs in the family. We aren’t supposed to need fertility specialists and doctors extracting sperm so we can create an heir.”

“That’s a little sexist, don’t you think?”

---