Page 144 of Warrior

I bite back the words I want to say—that I love him, that I’m sorry. It wouldn’t make anything easier. Not for me, and certainly not for him. If I’m in his shoes: I haven’t experienced a fucking war. Torture.Death. I haven’t grieved Nyx’s terrible end for over a year.

“It’s not.” I close my eyes, then force myself to open them look at him. He deserves that much. “I’m so sorry, Saint. What you’re about to hear… I know what happened to you the last time—thefirsttime. And I guess… we’re about to relive it.”

“Just spit it out,” he says. “You’re starting to scare me.”

I exhale. Tears blur my vision.

“Nyx—Eloradied, Saint. A year ago.”

He stares at me.

Stares and stares and stares.

I cannot fathom what’s going through his mind.

I didn’t expect this. I couldn’t. I thought—well, I guess I thought I was going to be cryinghappytears.

“Get out.”

I flinch.

Is he serious?

Saint’s face flushes. His chest heaves, like he had forgotten how to breathe and now can’t catch his breath. His eyes are wide open, and he slams his hand on the bed suddenly.

“I saidget out!” he screams.

I jump out of my skin.

In all our arguments, all the long nights working through our grief—separately, together,whatever—he’s never sounded like he does right now. On the cusp of losing his damn mind.

My heart breaks.

Two nurses rush in, and they seem to understand what’s going on in an instant. One goes to the monitor beside his head, the other grabs my arm. She escorts me quickly into the hall, then down to a private room.

I sit.

“Try to breathe.” She crouches in front of me. She rubs my arms. “Breathe, honey.”

I can’t.

I want—I need—gah.

The only thing that would make this better is a needle in my arm. The sweet rush of heroin taking away the pain. And that thought is the worst of them all.

My sob comes out strangled. But now, at least, Icancry.

The nurse gets up and the door closes behind her. I cry on my own, hiccupping and sniffling like an idiot.

When the door opens next, it isn’t her.

It’s Reese.

I get up and launch myself into his arms. All the misery crashes down on me.

“Don’t let me use,” I sob into his chest. “I don’t want to start over again.”

“Shh. I won’t let anything happen to you, golden girl.” He strokes my hair. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it.”

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