Page 10 of Here's to Yesterday

She gingerly pats my back and asks, “All right. What’sup?”

Letting her go, I pull her inside. “Emotions…they’rehigh.”

She tsks at me and takes a seat at the bar in the kitchen. “Why, mydear?”

I head to the fridge, pulling out some apple juice for her and some grape juice for me. I grab two glasses, fill them up, and slide Rae hers. I take a sip before I answer her, because I want to stall. I know I’m about to say something bold and honest, and I need a second to collectmyself.

“I don’t think I love Tanner.” And that’s how I learn how sticky apple juice is, because it’s now all over the counter and me. “Well, that was gross,” I say, wiping it from myeyes.

I grab a towel and begin to clean up the mess as Rae sits there with her mouthagape.

“But…but how? I don’t get it. You two were all lovey-dovey back inSeptember.”

“Welcome to the club. We meet semi-regularly. No membership feerequired.”

She eyes me carefully, and I give her the same stare down back. Rae claims eyes are the path to a person’s heart. I just think she’sweird.

“Wow,” she says quietly. “You meanit.”

I nod slowly. “We were…different then. It all felt like so much more. I think we rushed things. I think we forced things. I do love him, but I don’t love the version I’m getting of him now. And that’s not something I can envision myself getting used to. Ever. I don’t see thatfuture.”

Rae studies me for a moment, her eyebrows scrunching together. “You mean he’s not your ‘TheEnd’?”

It takes me a moment to get what she’s saying. Fairytales. They all finish with ‘The End’ and a happy couple riding off into the sunset together. The prince and princess are absolutelyitfor oneanother.

Tanner most definitely isn’t my “TheEnd.”

“Exactly.”

She frowns. “But why? I mean, you were inseparable when you first got together. I get that time apart can be difficult, but I’m not sure whathappened.”

“Can I be honest with you?” I askher.

“I’d be pissed if youweren’t.”

“Now that you’ve mentioned it, I don’t think he was ever my ‘The End.’ I like Tanner. But we don’t have that spark we had when we first started seeing one another. I think we lost it. Or maybe it was never there. I think that what we had for those couple weeks was beautiful. But I also think it should have ended there,” I admit. I take another sip while Rae watches. Setting the glass back down, I say, “Does that make sense, or am I being stupid aboutthis?”

Rae takes her time answering, sipping on her drink some. She expels a breath before speaking. “Thank. God. Not trying to be a total bitch, but Ineverunderstood you two. I mean, yeah, at first you were adorable as hell, all falling in love and shit, but I didn’t get it then. You don’t mesh. To people who don’t know you, you do, but not to me. He never fityou.”

“He does but he doesn’t. I mean it when I say he’s a sweet guy. He doesn’t show that side of himself enough. In another lifetime, maybe we could have been something great, but not in this one. Not now, not when I’m so…stuck, and he’s…gone. In order for us to work together, we’d both have to take a step back and evaluate what we want out of this,” I tell her. I lean onto the counter and drop my head in my hands, groaning lowly. “God, I feel like a total asshole, Rae. I feel like I’ve been leading him on orsomething.”

She shakes her head. “That’s not true. You did have feelings for him at first. I know you did, or you wouldn’t have trusted him with your virginity. You wouldn’t have thrown that away to anyone.”Valid point.“But I think all the ideas and notions of love you two had are based on who you show the world. Not who you reallyare.”

Well I’ll be damned if she didn’t hit the nail on thehead.

“And speaking of that,” she continues, “your hair is marvelous! You finally look like…you.”

“Oh my God! You’re the third person to say that. What in the hell have I been hiding behind all thistime?”

“Your parents. You almost constantly live in fear of theirdisapproval.”

“My brain. You’re in it again,woman.”

“But I speak thetruth.”

I nod. “Youdo.”

“And how doyoufeel now? More you? More like the person you want tobe?”

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