Page 104 of Here's to Yesterday

19

Apparently,we now only talk at night, because today is as awkward as yesterday. Only yesterday was better because I woke up with Maura in my arms as opposed to the empty bed I woke up totoday.

The house is flooded with people. It seems like the entire neighborhood has stopped by to check in and see how we’re holding up. And they all broughtfood.

Both my mother and Aaron have taken turns crying in their rooms today. Now it’s Aaron’s turn, so I’m standing in the hallway between the living room and kitchen, ready to play interference between my mom and the many guests coming in and out if needbe.

I’ve been alternating between staring out the back door and at the various family pictures hanging on the wall across fromme.

The back door is winning for themoment.

Maura’s been sitting outside in the backyard for the past few hours, curled up in a lawn chair with Rae by her side. I have no idea what she’s thinking or what they’re talking about. All I know is I’ve seen her smile twice, and each time I got jealous because I wasn’t the one to make her do so. Stupid, I know. But now, I’d give anything for her to smile at me like she was less than forty-eight hoursago.

I jump when a cold hand touches my arm. Tearing my gaze from the sliding glass door, I find my mom standing beside me. She leans up against the wall in a similar position to the one I’m standingin.

With the alcohol addiction and wild child days, my mother has always appeared older than she truly is. But since yesterday morning, I swear she’s aged about five more years. Her normally sunny blonde hair is streaked with grey, and her deep brown eyes seem almost black. A plain white t-shirt and jeans are hanging off her already thin frame, which is far thinner than I’m used to seeing. She looks so heartbroken, desolate, lost. I’ve never seen her this bad before, and I guess that’s fair because she’s never lost a childbefore.

Losing a child changes you.Drastically.

“I’m sorry, Tucker,” she tells me in a crackedvoice.

Staring at the wall across from me, I ask, “For what,Ma?”

“I’m sorry that you loveher.”

My head whips toward her, taken aback. “What thefuck?”

She smacks my arm. “First, don’t curse at me. I may be a shitty one, but Iamstill your mother. Second, it’s written clear as a summer day all over your face. I’ve been where you are, loving someone you’re not supposed to. It changes a person.” Then she grins. “Plus, the walls are thin in this house, Tucker, and you’re not as quiet as you think youare.”

I blush and start mumbling my way through a half-assedapology.

My mom gives a small laugh that brings a smile to my face. I haven’t seen her laugh in such a long time that I’m willing to smile when it’s on mybehalf.

“It’s okay,” she assures me. “Not something I ever wanted to hear, but it’s okay. You love her, and if her sad state today is any indication, she loves you too.But…”

I groan. “Why is there always abut?”

“But this changes things for you both. Maybe youdoneed to take time apart. Maybe you need to find who you are as a couple outside of Tanner.” She sniffles at his name. “And hisdeath.”

Considering the past my mom has had, I’ve always tended to stray from her advice. But the shit she just spewed makes sense. It’s something I think I may need to seriouslyconsider.

“Thanks, Ma.” We’re quiet a moment before I say, “I’m sorry,too.”

“Whatfor?”

“For Tanner. I’m sorry it wasn’tme.”

Her mouth drops open and tears instantly stream down her face. She starts shaking, barely able to hold herself up. As she’s about to fall to the ground, I catch her, wrapping her up in myarms.

“Ma? Are you okay?” I ask, rubbing her back in soothingcircles.

“How could you say that?” she cries into my shirt. She pulls back and peers up at me. “Tucker, you’re my world. I know I’ve been shit at showing it, but I love you more than you could everknow.”

Don’t get me wrong, Iknowmy mother loves me. However, over the years, it’s always seemed like she somehow loved me less. But something about the way she says it now seems like so muchmore.

“I want you to understand something, Tucker Cameron Bentley. You…you’re my pride and joy. You represent a time in my life that I’m not proud of but am infinitely grateful for. I was happy for only a moment in time, and in the end, I got you. That’s something that will make me happy for a lifetime. I promise you, Tucker, I love you, and I’msoglad it wasn’t you too.” She grabs my face between her hands. “God. You looksomuch like him. You have his eyes and his personality. I was always so happy you didn’t getmine.”

I stare at her, unsure of what I heard. I always thought she was ashamed of me, notproud. There are a million things running through my mind, and I’m not sure which one to grab on to first.She loves me, she’s proud of me, she’s glad I’m alive.Those things are enough forme.

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