Page 11 of Here's to Yesterday

“It’s only hair, Rae,” I say, avoiding eye contact withher.

“Don’t pull that ‘only hair’ bullshit with me, girly. You’re Maura Ann Doughers, daughter of Norah and John, andtheirdaughter wouldneverput color in her hair. Their daughter would never do anything to mess up the carefully crafted image they’ve created for her. Their daughter would never try to cancel on their annual dinner party. Theirdaughter—”

“Okay, okay. I get it. I’m stepping out of mybox.”

“You mean you’re becoming your own person? You’re finding who you are, for real this time? For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been…secluded. You’re like an author on a tight deadline, holed up in a woodsy cabin somewhere, making contact with the real world but never truly connecting. Then after college, just like a writer who’s made their deadline, you stepped out of your proverbial log house and reconnected with the outside world. I feel like with Tanner, you reverted back to who you were before, that timid girl always hiding behind words, whether yours or others’. Now it seems as though you’re ready to publish your manuscript,” she says with a wink. “That’s a book I’d read and recommend, because I’ve missedyou,Maura.”

I hate when she’s right.I’ve always hidden myself because I’ve never felt like I was good enough, smart enough, orperfectenough. Getting out of college changed that since I was no longer under the thumb of my parents. For the first time, I felt like I was able to be me, like I could conquer my fears. Somehow, meeting Tanner changed that. I knew he was the type of person my mother wouldwantme to be with, so I assumed he was the type of person Ineededto be with. That fed the flames of my insane need to be flawless until he left. As soon as that happened, I stopped feeling good or pretty or smart. I stopped beingenough.

I need a person who will make me feel that way without wanting the approval of my parents. Someone who will make me feel likemewithout cravingperfection.

Unfortunately, Tanner isn’t that guy. I only wish it hadn’t taken me over half a year to figure thatout.

Since he’s been gone, we’ve been…different. It’s not all horrible, but it’s also not what I was hoping it would be, and it’s taking me a while to adjust. I had figured we’d grow closer together, the distance weaving a bond, but I realize now that I was naive to thinkthat.

Active Duty Tanner is different from Leave Time Tanner. He’s wound so tightly when he’s on base in his “military mode.” Leave Time Tanner is much better. He’s sweet and usually easy to talkto.

The problem here is that I met Tanner on leave. When I met him, he was sweet and fun, not mean and being pulled in a million different directions like he is now. And I fell in lust with that initial version of him.Hard. So hard that after a week of being together, I handed him the most cherished thing I had: myvirginity.

What I didn’t realize when we decided to forge this relationship with one another was that I’d be getting a new Tanner along with it, the side of my boyfriend I strongly dislike. He’s selfish, egotistical, and outright rude half the time. I know that hecanbe caring, humble, and polite, but a majority of the time he’s not. I have this distinct feeling that won’t change. I don’t want to have to change him, and Ishouldn’thave to. We should just…work.

But wedon’t.

However, if I’m honest, the Maura I am when I’m with Tanner is different from the one I am without him. I’m “perfect” with him, playing the part of devoted daughter and acting as though nothing is out of place. In reality,I’mout ofplace.

“Fine,” I huff, giving her a bitter head shake. “Yes.”

She has the nerve to give me a smug grin. Grabbing whatever is closest to me—a banana—I throw it ather.

“Thanks,” she says, catching it and breaking open thetop.

“Why are you here? Not that I haven’t missed youimmensely.”

“Really? I couldn’t tell with all your avoiding me lately,” she says, talking freely with mashed food in hermouth.

“It’s a wonder you hooked such an incredible guy with all your impeccablemanners.”

“Pfft. Hudson loves it,” she insists, her mouth still full of food. She finally swallows before talking this time. “Now, acknowledge that you’ve been avoiding me, and I’ll answer your burningquestion.”

I wince because I was hoping she’d skip over that. “You noticed,huh?”

“I have. I wanted to give you a littletime.”

“Thank you. I neededit.”

She gives an indifferent shrug. “Anyway, I’m here to officially invite you to Joey’s eighth birthday party. It’sAdventure Timethemed. I’m stupidexcited.”

“More excited than the seven-year-old?”

“Almost eight-year-old,” she corrects. “And yes, probably. It’ll be cake and ice cream at Hudson’scrib.”

“Hudson’s crib. Like you don’t practically livethere.”

She smiles shyly at me. “True. But I don’tofficiallylive there.Yet.”

I quirk my eyebrow at her. “Yet?”

“You know…yet.”

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