Page 26 of Here's to Yesterday

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“You don’t needto walk me to the door,” I tell Tucker as he opens my door for me in my aunt’sdriveway.

“Are you kidding me? I bet your aunt is watching out the window. She’ll probably have my balls for breakfast if I don’t walk you to the door. Plus, I’m a totalgentleman.”

I snort atthis.

“Super hot, Maura,” hemutters.

This time I roll my eyes. “We’re here. We safely made it twenty feet from the car. Congrats, you’re a gentleman,” I tell him as we reach the frontporch.

“Your sweet words move my soul,” Tucker says, clutching hischest.

“Why are you grabbing your chest? Your soul is you, not yourheart.”

“That was beautiful,” he says, disbelief crossing hisface.

“Iknow.”

He ignores me and takes a step closer. “Did you have a nice timetonight?”

I shrug and feign indifference. “It was okay. I heard a mediocre guitar player butcher one of my all-time favoritesongs.”

“Wonderwallis one of your all-time favorites?” he asks. “Noted.”

He smiles sheepishly, causing the dimple in his right cheek to stand out, and continues to stand there.Okay,then.

“Well, thanks for tonight. Iguess.”

Tucker laughs lightly. “You’re welcome. I guess.” I turn around to unlock the front door. “Goodnight,Maura.”

I pause at the shy sweetness I suddenly hear in his voice and lean my head against the doorframe. “Goodnight, Tucker,” I tell him just asquietly.

We stand there silently, me against the door and him waiting on the steps. We don’t say anything. We soak in thesilence.

After several moments, I hear his footsteps as he retreats to his car, and I unlock thedoor.

I don’t bother taking off my clothes when I get to my room. Crawling straight into bed, I pull my blankets up over me, needing a moment to decompress, to gathermyself.

I need a second to fix my cracks because there were a lot of themtonight.

I’ll never admit it out loud, but Tucker scares me. He always has. That’s why I purposely avoided getting close to him and flung myself into Tanner’s arms. The second he our eyes met, I had a feeling about him. I knew he could see through me, would be able to get behind myfaçade.

The first (unspoken) rule of being a Doughers: Never let anyone witness you take off yourmask.

And Tucker was capable of taking mineoff.

But Tanner was a safe bet from the beginning. Knowing he’d accept the Maura who coveted being the ideal daughter, I clung tohim.

Did I think he’d help me relax as much as I did? Nah. Did I think I’d lust after him so hard? No, not at all. Am I glad we got together? Absolutely, because those first few weeks with him mean more to me than I’ll ever admit. We had fun. I let loose in a way I haven’t before, but I still want to be more around him. I still feel the need to be perfect around him, afraid to makemistakes.

Plus, he’s the first guy I took home to my parents. I admit I did because I wanted to show him off, prove to them I could do right in their eyes. I knew they’d approve of him based on his service alone, because if there’s one thing the Doughers honorably do, it’s support the troops. But part of it was because, at the time, I was into him. I thought what I was feeling was the beginning of truelove.

I was wrong. It wasn’t close to that. It was lust. Sure, I wanted Tanner, craved his companionship and body way too much, which is what lust meant to me. But I didn’t love him. I didn’t trust him with everything I had, didn’t want to build a life with him, wasn’t ready to make sacrifices for him. It wasn’tmyversion oflove.

So, yeah, it was only lots and lots of lust…which eventually faded. I don’t want that with Tanner, because I know now that if I stay with him, we’ll fall into a cycle. We’ll talk about the same things each day. We’ll do all the things couples are supposed to do. We’ll scratch the surface of our real feelings and sweep everything else under therug.

But that’s not what Iwant.

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