Page 53 of Here's to Yesterday

She lays her hand on my arm in an effort to get me to stop picking. I finally glance over at her and see nothing but sympathy in her eyes. I love it and hate it at the same time. I love it because I know she cares, and that means the world to me. I hate it because I know she sees I like Tucker in a way that I haven’t told her about yet. I love that she says nothing about it. I hate that it feels so wrong to admitit.

“You’ll work through it. You’ve always been able to take sticky situations and make them not-so-sticky anymore. I think you’ll see that you can work your way through this one too. Even if it is extra sticky,” she says, her double meaningclear.

“Thanks,Kass.”

“No problem, kiddo. Now, what are you bringing me back forlunch?”

“Nothing,” I frown. “We’re meeting at Clyde’s, and I have a short shiftafterwards.”

“Well, that blows,” she pouts, crossing her arms over her chest like a child. “What in the hell am I supposed toeat?”

I pat her leg like she would me and pull myself off the couch, heading toward my bedroom to start getting ready. “You’re an adult, Kass. I have faith that you’ll figure itout.”

I chuckle as I hear her mumble a few very unladylike words atme.

Without making myself seem like a total loon, I manage to wrangle together a semi-cute work-appropriate outfit—which isn’t much since our uniforms consist of orange shirts and black shorts—for my little date withTucker.

Date?

I pause mid mascara swipe and stare at my reflection in the mirror amoment.

What in the hell are you doing, Maura?I’m putting extra effort into my appearance for someone who isn't my boyfriend, which is super shitty no matter if we’re barely hanging on by a thread or not. I shouldn’t be doing this. It shouldn’t be crossing mymind.

But it is, and Iam.

Because of Tucker. Because of how he makes me feel. Because of who I am when I’m withhim.

Me.

Fuck!I feel like I’m running in circles here, and everything is leading back toTucker.

I inspect the girl I see in the reflection, the one I pretend to be for everyone else. This girlisbeautiful on the outside, but I know how flawed she is on the inside. This girlisfaithful, but I know how unfaithful she wants to be. This girlobeysher parents, but I know how badly she wants to defy them. This girl, the one staring back at me with large, round, clear-blue eyes, screamsgood girl,flawless, andconfident, but I know she’s none of thosethings.

I wish I were whole, defiant, confident. But I’m not. Those traits, they belong to the real Maura. The one I’m afraid to be. The one I want tobe.

In that moment, I decide that I’m breaking up with Tanner after dinner with my parents, because I don’t want to have to explain that on top of bringing a tattooed musician to the event. Either in person or on the phone. No more excuses. I can’t not be myself any longer. I cannot keep denying how Ifeel.

I can’t and I won’t. It’s time I take control of my life for achange.

* * *

“Hey.”

I automatically smile, and my heart rate increases at the sound of hisvoice.

“Hey,” I respond as Tucker takes a seat across from me, his grin matchingmine.

“You orderyet?”

I shake my head. “Was waiting onyou.”

“Ah, cuteandpolite. I’m a lucky guy.” As he says it, his eyebrows furrow, and I can tell he immediately regrets his word choice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it likethat.”

Ignoring him—and how it makes my stupid breath hitch—I ask, “You know what you want? I’ll run the order to the back for us. I know someone who works here. Bet we could get pushed to the front of theline.”

His brow smoothes, and he gives me a small grin. “Cheese fries, please. And awater.”

“Cheap date. I like it,” I tease, getting up to place ourorders.

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