Page 72 of Here's to Yesterday

“I…I don’t know,” Iadmit.

“But that’s the thing. Youshouldknow. It shouldn’t be something you have to think about. It’s automatic. Either a yes or ano.”

That’s the truth. It shouldbe.

“Then no. I don’t love him.” I swallow a lump in my throat and drop my head to stare at my lap. “I’m not sure if I everdid.”

Tucker pulls my face back up, forcing my eyes to meet his. I wince at how swollen his eye has become. I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol making me so emotional or the shit night we’ve had has finally caught up to me, but tears start falling before I knowit.

“I know I said I didn’t want to talk about it, but I’msosorry, Tuck.” I sniffle and wipe at my cheeks. “This is all my fault. I feel terrible. I wish…I wish I had told Tanner long ago that I didn’t want to be with him romantically. Maybe tonight wouldn’t have happened. Maybe this shitty spot I’ve put you two in wouldn’t be so shitty. Maybe I’d be a lot damn happier than I have been these past fewmonths.”

The tears roll down my face, and Tucker shifts me closer to him. “Hey,” he says soothingly. “Don’t cry. Please. It’s hurting me to watch you cry, especially over my dipshit brother.You—”

I cut him off again. “You think that I’m crying overTanner?”

“Well, I mean, yeah. Is that notwhy?”

“No, not at all,” I tell him on a humorless laugh. “How sad is that? I’m not shedding tears over my boyfriend but because of all these stupid confusing feelings I have for his brother. All these frustratingurgesI have. I’m crying because I feel horrible for hurting Tanner, but I don’t feel bad that it’s over. Like at all. I’m crying because I should have had the lady balls to say something to him a lot damn sooner. But I didn’t because I’m a chicken-shit peace-keeper. Because I have this crazy desire to be the perfect daughter, to date the perfect guy, to make everyone else happy and not give a rat’s ass about what makes me happy.” I let out a harsh breath. “I’m weak, Tucker. That’s why I’m crying. I’m absolutely fucking weak, and I’m tired of being thisway.”

Somewhere in the middle of my rant, I stood up. Now I’m standing in the middle of Tucker’s apartment, swaying, because I candefinitelyfeel the alcohol now. I feel numb, and it feelsgood.

Tucker stands and walks toward me. His six-foot-two frame towers over my small one. I look up at him, my legs shaky from the heat I see in his gaze. Or again, maybe thebooze.

“You think you’re weak?” he scoffs. “Do you have any idea how incredibly brave I find you? You’re constantly dragged down by your mother and ignored by your father. Youalwaysput everyone else before you, putting yourself in these situations where you’re the one always making sacrifices for the happiness of others. But you never,evercomplain about any of it. Everything you do is for everyone else, but no one ever knows that because you have this way of making people believe that whatever it is they want, you want it too. You’re selfless.” Tucker’s eyes suddenly light up, and he grins. “Want to know my favorite part? Even when you’re not happy, you smile. And I admire that about you somuch.”

His eyes dim as quickly as they lit up moments ago. “You’re tired of it, though. You’re tired of playing the role of perfect daughter and friend. But you’re so worried about hurting someone that you hide behind this mask and hope and pray everyone buys it.” Tucker takes a step toward me. “I don’t, Maura. I don’t buy it for onesecond.”

I blow out a huge breath, not feeling so numb anymore. Instead, I feel…noticed. And that feels so much better than feelingnumb.

“Tuck, I…I don’t know what to say to that,” I tell himhonestly.

“Can you promise me something?” I nod slowly, nervous about what he’s about to ask. “Beyou.Makeyouhappy. Fuck everyone else. Be.Happy.”

I stare at the wall behind him but don’t answer. Beme? Makemehappy? I want to. I want nothing more than to do something for me and not for everyone else for a change. But can I? Can I say “fuck it” and go after all the things Iwant?

I’m not sure if it’s Drunk Maura, Sober Maura, or the same bitch in my head who’s been there all along, but I hear a voice say,Tell him yes, Maura. You can. Make thepromise.

So Ido.

“Okay,” I promise with honestconfidence.

Then I’m moving backwards, because Tucker’s moving forward. When I hit the wall, my breathing is harsh and unattractive. My face is hot, and I feel this slow, exciting coil begin low in mystomach.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Tucker warns, only seconds before his mouth crashes intomine.

And holy hell does my worldimplode.

Everything happens at once. Tucker’s hands find my waist as I curl my arms around his neck. My feet leave the floor, and my legs automatically find their way to his hips. My back arches off the wall as I press into Tucker, and he presses into me all while our mouths are fused together. Our tongues duel and teeth clash, but it’s heated and sexy and everything I ever hoped it would be. His hips roll into me, and I groan. He tears his lips away from mine and begins pressing hard kisses along my jaw and straight down to myneck.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he rasps. “Every damn day. Every single fucking time you looked in my direction, I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to touch you. And now Ican.”

He captures my lips again, and we tangle ourselves up more. We kiss for days. Or hours. Or minutes. I have no idea, but I do know that what I’m feeling in this moment, I never want it to go away. I never want to know what it feels like to not kiss Tucker. Because this kiss isn’t the best kiss I’ve ever had. This kiss isthe kiss, the one that ruins me for all other kisses. And I’m so glad it’s coming fromTucker.

Tucker’s hands find the hem of my shirt. He lets go of my mouth and pauses, meeting my eyes and silently asking if it’s okay to take it off. My head barely moves, and then he’s ripping it over my head in a flash. I gasp when our skin touches, his warm and mine clammy from the booze I’veconsumed.

I pause at that thought.Drinking. I’ve had a lot of alcohol tonight, and I’m not so sure I should be doing this. But I want to, and I know that I’d want to if I were sober. But that shouldn’t matter, because I’mnot.

Tucker leans in again. “Everything about you calls to me, Maura. All of it,” hewhispers.

Heart, meet throat. All coherent thoughts, meet thedoor.

“Say something.Anything.”

“Why do you think I’ve stayed away from you? Why do you think I shut myself in on the weekends? I couldn’t stand wanting you like I did and being with him. It felt sowrong.”

Tucker gazes up at me, his eyes on fire and his breaths coming in ragged waves. “And this? How does this feel,Maura?”

“Right. It feelssoright.”

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