Page 1 of If You Say So

Prologue

Blake

Haveyou ever walked around with a merciless weight on your shoulders? One you can’t seem to lift no matter how hard you shove?

I’ve been pushing for the last month, and nothing has budged. I feel like I’ve been glued to the middle of a racetrack and life keeps doing laps over me. Round and round it goes, never missing a hit.

“Blake, you even listening to me?”

That’s the biggest hit of all, that displeased tone of his, because due to everything else weighing me down, my relationship with Nate—the most solid and stable thing I have in my life—is beginning to falter.

I glance over to my boyfriend, who’s been yammering on about I don’t even know what for the past several minutes, and I blink once, twice.

He sighs in frustration, and shame washes over me.

Fuck.

I know he’s annoyed with me, and I also know he’s starting to hurt from the lack of attention I’ve been paying him. It’s not him, it’s me, and I don’t know how to explain that to him without sounding like a walking cliché.

It’s times like these I wish I hadn’t started dating my best friend, wish I still had him there for me without our feelings for one another getting in the way.

If this were the Nate of the past, I could sit here for hours telling him everything that’s wrong and he’d pat my back, tell me to get over it, and that would be it.

The Nate of now? He’d take it personally, think he’s at fault, though it’s nothing he can help. It’s simply the way things work when you’re in a relationship.

One partner is upset; you immediately assess what you could have done to anger them.

One partner is sad; you try to sort through if you’ve said something wrong.

One partner isn’t interested in sex; you’re all wrong for them now.

It’s human nature to automatically look for fault within oneself, to take on those emotions the other is projecting—and I know that’s exactly what Nate would do if I went to him with the war raging inside of me. I don’t want that, don’t want him to be part of it.

I’ve been feeling off for a little over a month now. Nothing is lighting a fire within me. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep, want to check out and take a break from life. I have zero motivation, hence why I’m failing two classes I’m required to pass if I want to graduate this year.

I want to quiteverything. I feel so…hopeless.

To top it all off, each of my parents has begun taking turns calling me and trying to get me to testify against the other in court. After years and years of barely holding together the most dysfunctional marriage out there, they’re finally cutting the cord—but neither will go quietly.

I thought I had resigned myself to the idea of my parents’ marriage being over and their absurd war years ago. Apparently, I hadn’t. If that were the case, I’d be getting a lot more sleep than I have been lately.

The stress of everything is weighing on me, and in turn it’s weighing on my relationship with Nate.

“Earth to Blake.” He waves a hand in front of my face. “Babe?”

The sincerity, the concern, the fact that I know he’s been tossing and turning and living in a constant state ofWhat version of Blake am I coming home to today?all piles up inside me. I feel so fucking guilty that I’m making him suffer through this.

He deserves better, and I need a fucking break.

From everything…including Nate.

“Are you happy, Nate?”

“I-I…” He hesitates, his mouth pulling tight in consideration.

That, rightthere—that indecision, that moment where he has to consider if he’s happy with me—it’s all I need.

I can’t keep this up, not right now. I need space, time to think and work through things without having to add in the worry of ensuring Nate is happy with me.

I’m scared if I don’t do something to help with it now, it’ll fester, and shit will go completely south. I can’t risk that. I can’t lose my best friendandmy boyfriend.

I have to choose, and right now, I need my friend.

Damn, this is going to hurt…

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