Page 20 of If You Say So

I drop my head, my chin nearly resting on my chest.

It’s not quite what I had intended Mateo to be, but it doesn’t mean that’s not what this little adventure of mine turned into.

“I’m a dick.”

He lets out a raspy chuckle. “Yeah, you are, but I also know you’re in pain. I know you’re trying to force yourself to be ready for something you’re not, and I know you didn’t really intend for me to get hurt.”

Lifting my head, I look at him, puzzled because he sounds so…calm, like he’s okay with what’s just happened.

“You aren’t ready to date.” He points to the other room. “And you’re not ready to let him go. So, we’ll stay friends and maybe one day, if I’m lucky enough, I’ll find someone who looks at me the way you two look at each other.”

I marvel at him, because that is not where I was expecting this conversation to lead. This isn’t how I was expecting this study date to end.

“But you’re going?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “I think that’s for the best.”

I don’t have the energy to beg him to stay, because we both know it is for the best.

“Maybe give me a call later?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

I won’t call. We both know he won’t either. This is the beginning and the end of everything between us.

“Walk me out?” he asks.

“Of course.” I push myself from the chair and meet him at the edge of the table. I peek up at him, a sheepish grin on my lips. “Listen, Mateo, I’m sorry about all of this. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings—that was never my intention. I thought if I jumped feet first into this thing, everything would work out and fall into place, but I guess I was wrong.”

He gives me a small smile. “Don’t worry about it, man. We’re good.”

“Thanks.”

I think what sucks so much about this situation is the look Mateo’s giving me in this moment. He feels bad for me, feels sorry for me.

I do too.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” I say without hesitation.

“What happened?”

Fuck.My heart drops at the question. I should have been more cautious in answering him. But of course he’d want to know; I should have seen this coming. After playing witness to what he did, anyone would be curious.

“I-I… H-He…” I can’t get the words to come out. And think that’s because I know I’m an asshole for blaming him when it was both of our faults.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.” He lifts a shoulder. “I was only curious what could have come between best friends who turned into so much more, especially with the way you two look at one another.”

That’s the second time he’s mentioned that. “What’s so special about the way I look at Nate?”

The corner of Mateo’s mouth tips up. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Not even a little bit.”

“You look at him like he’s your air, like you need him in your life to keep you alive, like he’s the last piece of every puzzle you’ve ever tried to put together but couldn’t quite get right. He does the same thing right back.” Mateo dips his head, encouraging me to meet his eyes. “Want to hear something funny?”

“Sure.”

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