Page 42 of If You Say So

Last night felt like a step in the right direction, but I’m scared shitless to go there with Nate again so soon.

“Blake,” Carsen prompts. “Come on, man. What’s up?”

Tears sting at my eyes, but I refuse to get emotional and cry in front of him. I’ve never been that mopey, hand-me-a-tissue kind of guy, and I’m not about to start now.

“I don’t know,” I finally say. “I just…I really don’t fucking know.”

“Do you still…”

He doesn’t have to voice it; I know what he’s asking.

“Yes.”

“Then what’s the deal?” He’s not asking to be mean; he’s asking because he’s genuinely concerned for his two best friends, and I love the guy for it.

“It’s hard. It’s hard to build that trust again…to talk to him, look at him without having the scene from New Year’s flash in my mind. All I can see is his lips connecting to a pair that isn’t mine. I just…I can’t get that out of my head, man.” I lick at my lips. “And the shit end of it is that it’s all my fault.”

“Your fault? No,hekissed someone else. That’s on him.”

I exhale a shaky breath, ready to finally admit my truth. I’ve let Nate take the blame for this awkwardness between us for too long now.

“I, uh, I kind of broke up with him on New Year’s Eve.”

“What?” Carsen balks. “No fucking way.”

I scratch at the stubble on my chin. “Way.”

“But…why?”

I lift a shoulder. “Everything was hitting me all at once and we were fighting a lot, and I thought things would be easier if we took a break.”

Carsen’s jaw is hanging slack in surprise. “I had no fucking clue you two were having issues.”

“We’ve always been private with our relationship, you know that. Besides, you were going through your own shit at that time. There was no reason to bother you with our problems.”

“I’m your best friend. You guys can always come to me with shit.”

“I thought I had it all worked out, thought I was doing the right thing taking a break with him, but it only sent me spiraling further. So, I…uh, I started going to therapy.”

He looks at me, nostrils flaring, eyes wide with bewilderment. “You fucking what?”

“Yep. I’ve been going since the end of January.”

“And you didn’t think that would be a good thing to tell your best friend about?”

I hold a hand up. “Look, I love you like a brother, but it was my journey, man. I needed that for me. I couldn’t have anyone else all up in my business.”

“Not even Nate?’

I shake my head. “No. Not even him.”

“I…shit, I had no idea. It sucks that you didn’t come to me, but I’m glad you reached out to someone and got help with your…”

“Shit,” I provide, not ready to talk about it for what it is: depression.

He nods, staring off at the wall. I can almost see everything rolling around in his head. “Yeah, that. I was kind of in my own head last semester. I…I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“I didn’t ask you to be, so it’s no sweat. Just maybe don’t mention this to anyone else? I’m not sure I’m ready to tell Nate.”

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