Page 50 of If You Say So

“Yeah,” he answers groggily.

“Are you, uh, mad at me?”

I can practicallyhearhim roll his eyes. “Why would I be mad?”

“Because I didn’t talk toyou.”

“Blake,” he says on whisper. “I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt that you couldn’t come to me, but I also understand. I probably would have found some way to make it about me. I would have thoughtIwas doing something to make you so…down, would have tried to look for ways to fix it.”

“That’s exactly why I tried to distance myself, to get help elsewhere. I just…I think I went about it the wrong way. I panicked.”

“And then I made it so much worse.”

Nate pulls himself up and straddles me. He brings his face inches from mine, his hands planted on the mattress around my head.

“I need you to know that I’m sorry. With everything inside of me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, sorry I did what I did. I regret every single fucking second of that day. I hurt you. I hurtus. I’ll never be able to take any of that back, but I hope we can move past it, can work through it.”

He speaks with sincerity, and I know he’s hurting too. I tried to fix me, destroyed him, and then he destroyedus.

That’s how fucking complicated we are, and I’m hesitant to get mixed up in complicated again.

“I…I think I’d like that.”

“I’m sensing abuthere.” He grins, knowing me so well yet again.

“I need more time. I want to…make sure I’m giving the best version of me you can get. I want to make sure that if I slip again, I can work through it and not project so much onto you. I don’t want to burden you, don’t want to put that pressure on you. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I just want to be sure, you know?”

A wrinkle forms between his brows as they scrunch together, and he chews on the corner of his lip.

He leans down, his body hovering above mine as his lips ghost along the shell of my ear.

“I want to be clear about something, Blake: you were never a burden to me—never. Not once did I feel that way. Was I worried about you? Yes. Was I frustrated with you because you were closing yourself off from me? Yes, but you were not—and never will be—a burden. We’ll navigate your depression together. We’ll find ways to work through it together. You’re never alone, not even when we’re apart. I’m here for you, as your friend, your lover, your punching bag, and your cuddle buddy…whatever you need.”

A shiver races through me with every word he utters. They curl around me, promising me a future with him. I love how they captivate me.

God, I love this man.

But I need to learn to love me and take care of me too.

He pulls back and stares down at me, eyes soft and loving.

“If you say so,” I whisper.

Then his lips are on mine.

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