Page 8 of If You Say So

“I have a paper due tomorrow. I should get started on that.”

“Right. Okay.” His shoulders sink lower, and the ache in my heart grows. It’s not slow either. No, it’s fast, speeding through me in a flash. My arms begin to tingle, and I can’t seem to get my shit together.

He quietly closes the bedroom door and I’m alone again. I can hear him clunk down the stairs, know when he flicks on the television. I smile when I hear him laugh.

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard him make that sound.

At the end of last year, life built up around me. My phone was constantly blowing up with phone calls from both my parents because the divorce was officially backon. My grades were slipping, and I was taking my anger out on Nate over and over again. It wasn’t fair to him, so I proposed we take a break before things got to be too much between us, before words were said that we couldn’t take back.

Apparently, Nate heard me propose that we break up for good and proceeded to lose himself in the copious amount of alcohol we had for the party.

Thenithappened—the kiss.

It broke me so bad that I didn’t leave my bed for over seventy-two hours, and it wasn’t in a normal we-just-broke-up sort of way. It was worse.

So, I sought out a therapist, realizing I needed someone to talk to who wasn’t going to judge me, who didn’t know every intimate detail of my life.

And, it worked.

It helped me so fucking much. I was able to step back and get the help I needed. Even after the breakup with Nate, after the hurt he caused me, I was still able to put myself first and take action to makemefeel better.

It’s been a long road, but I’m getting better. I didn’t wake up wanting to cry this morning. Last night, I didn’t fall asleep wanting to cry, which is a big fucking win for me.

Taking a seat on my air mattress, I grab my phone and scroll through the contacts, needing to find someone to distract me before I do something I know I’ll regret…like take those stairs two at a time and strip off his shirt and run my fingers over that stupid six pack he works so hard for.

Push him up against a wall until my body covers his.

Smash our lips together and kiss him until we’re both utterly breathless.

Let him back into my heart.

I’m not ready for it, so I need a distraction.

Now.

Jake?No.

Abbie?No.

Henry?No.

Mateo?Yes.

Mateo is perfect. We’re in a lit class together and have had a few conversations, but I’ve always kept things light, knowing full well he was interested in a way I couldn’t reciprocate because I wasn’t available.

Not that I’m fully available now, but still.

Am Iinterested?CouldI be interested?

Maybe, and with enough time, yes.

My sole purpose for the time being is to get back out there and put all this shit with Nate behind me. I need to start somewhere, right?

Me:I’m ready to finally take you up on that whole study buddy thing.

Mateo:What changed your mind?

Me:Need to get my shit together.

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