Page 139 of Text Me Baby One More Time

“It’s disgusting and crude and so harsh it hurts to look at you right now.”

He winces like I’ve just punched him in the gut, and maybe I have with my words. He deserves every hit.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve lost nearly everything because of it.”

“It doesn’t. It would make me feel a whole lot better to know you aren’t theslugeveryone has claimed you were over the years.” I shake my head in disgust. “I thought you were better than that, Shep.”

“I thought I was too.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“I told you—I was jealous.”

“Of what?”

He scrubs a hand over his face, and then does it again.

“Fuck!” he yells, and it echoes around us angrily. “Them, okay? I was so green over what they obviously had because it could have been us.”

His hands slide through his hair, destroying the perfectly tousled look he had going on, just leaving it messy.

“That could have been you and me.” He drops his head. “But I screwed that up, and Delia just sat there reminding me of all the girls I used to get you out of my head. The guilt crept in. Everything felt wrong and gross and I was just so fucking angry at her. I just sent it to a few guys on the team. We did that kind of shit all the time, passed photos around. It wasn’t supposed to be anything serious. She wasn’t supposed to know.”

“I wish I could be mad at you and your jackass friends for passing nudes around, but that would be hypocritical. I’ve done that myself. Usually, though, it’sunsoliciteddick pics from guys Idon’tknow. You knew Delia. You knew her, and youstilldid that to her. That’s wrong on so many levels, Shep.”

“I know, but—”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “Furthermore, you cannot keep blaming your bad behavior on me and us and whatever we had.Youfucked up.Youdid that, not anyone else.”

His shoulders sag in defeat.

He’s wrong, and he knows he’s wrong, but that doesn’t change anything, doesn’t change what he did.

“I can forgive you for making a stupid shitty mistake, for being a complete tool for a moment in your life. We all make mistakes and I’d hate for all of mine to be held against me forever, but Delia’s my friend, Shep, and you hurt her. Do you know how scared that makes me about wanting to take a chance on a future with you? What if I piss you off? What if something else makes you jealous? Will it bemypicture you’re sending out to people?”

“No!” he shouts. “No. I’d never do that to you.” His teeth gnash together, jaw so coiled I can see the muscles jumping. He knows I’ve made a valid point. “That’s not who I am…not who I want to be.”

I can see the ways Shep’s changed over the years. In college, he walked around like he was big man on campus, and he was in many ways. Now, though, he’s humbler. He’s settled into his fame…into himself. He’s passionate about the charities he works with. He’s not trying to be the cool guy anymore. He’s just Shep.

Those parts of him I adore.

But the parts that don’t own up to his mistakes? The Shep who continually blames everyone else for his actions? That’s the same eighteen-year-old boy who shut me out because he was too afraid to admit he loved me because ofsomeone else’sfailures.

Those parts of him I hate.

“Then prove it, because I want to believe you, Shep. I want to believe you so badly my bones ache with the desire to give in to you, to tell you it’s all okay and sweep it under the rug—but I can’t. This is about so much more than Delia. It’s about what happened five years ago. It’s about what happened last month.”

“Denny…” He takes a step toward me and I retreat from his advances.

“No. Until you stop blaming everyone and everything else for your mistakes, I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” I wave a finger between us. “I can’t dousanymore. It doesn’t feel healthy or right. It feels toxic and wrong. It feels like unfinished business, and I want to be so much more than that.”

He shakes his head, not wanting to hear what I’m telling him. “You are more than that—so much more.”

“Tell that to all the people you’ve hurt and taken shots at because of your unresolved feelings for me.”

We stand there in silence, letting the reality of what just unfolded hang between us.

I can’t build a future with Shep when he’s still hanging onto the past. We said clean slate, and none of this feels like a clean slate. It feels like we’re just covering up old wounds.

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