Page 125 of I Knead You Tonight

“Fuck,” he mutters, running into the living room table. “Stupid fucking table.”

The door to the back patio slides open, then closed.

He stays out there for half an hour, and I lie here, eyes slammed closed, trying to talk myself out of going to him.

Finally, the door is slid open again.

Now all I want is for him to stay away.

I smell him before I see him: the faint scent of cigarettes and regret.

They both make me feel sick.

Then, he’s standing in the doorway, eyes locked on the crib in the corner.

The one he bought for Riker,builtfor him.

Slowly, he peels his gaze away, moving his eyes to mine. His mouth opens like he wants to say something, but he closes it, thinking better of it.

He walks into the room, closing the door behind him.

I watch as he struggles to strip from his clothes, wincing at the pain in his shoulder.

Exhausted and out of breath, he climbs into the bed, sliding under the blankets. He’s close enough for me to feel his warmth, but not his touch.

I miss it already.

“I’m sorry, Drew.”

“I know, Winston.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I should have listened to you. I should have gotten my shoulder looked at sooner. I should have been the person you wanted me to be.”

“You should be that person foryou, not for me.”

His tongue darts out to wet his lips. “I know.”

We don’t say anything for a while, just lie here, not looking away.

He reaches up, his hand slipping under my pillow. He pulls mine out, locking our fingers together.

“Listen, Drew, I—”

“I love you, Winston. Okay?”

His eyes are wide, full of surprise.

“I fucking love you, but I am so,soincredibly angry at you that I can’t even look at you right now. I just want to go to sleep and forget this night ever happened. Do you understand that?”

He nods. “Okay, but—”

“What did I just say? I don’t want to talk. Just sleep.”

Another nod. “Fine.”

I close my eyes, unable to keep staring at him if I don’t want to break.

I love Winston, and a part of me thinks he could love me too.

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