Page 33 of I Knead You Tonight

“Oh yeah?” I cross my arms, dying to know how that’s possible. “How so?”

“I don’t smoke to feel nothing, Drew. I smoke to feel everything.”

Before I can say anything else, he’s out of the car and stomping off inside.

With a reluctant sigh, because a bitchy Winston is so not what I wanted to deal with tonight after the long day I had, I follow him inside.

My prayers have been answered because Riker is out cold when I check on him in Sully’s room.

“He’s good. We’re good. Just get a good night’s sleep,” the surfer tells me, waving me away as he types a million miles an hour on his keyboard.

Normally, I’d argue with him, because he’s my baby and my responsibility.

But tonight I’m worn out to the bone and a night off sounds amazing.

As I retreat to Winston’s room, heading straight for the shower because I need to scrub this day away, I see him standing out on the patio, smoke swirling around him.

I briefly wonder if it’s pot or a cigarette this time and what it is he’s running from.

Winston has the perfect life. Everything he wants is at his fingertips. He survived a horrible accident with no permanent damage, and with the settlement he got, he bought his house. He doesn’t even have to work full-time to keep up with his bills. He can literally just sit around, surf, and do photography on the side whenever his hands itch to hold his camera.

In my eyes, he has it made.

Whatever he’s chasing—either something or nothing—I don’t understand it one bit.

I leave the bedroom door open a crack just in case Sully needs me and then I strip off my work outfit, grateful to remove the pizza-smell-infused material.

I turn the water up as hot as I can stand it and release an audible sigh when the stream cascades over my tired body.

This is what I’ve been looking forward to all damn day.

Hell, maybe even all week.

Or month.

No.Definitelyfor the last three months, since before my life changed drastically.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew when I was all swollen and pregnant that my life as I knew it was over. I knew I’d probably never again feel the joy of a full night of sleep, knew I’d probably never pee in peace again and wouldn’t ever be able to eat a meal with two hands, no matter how quickly I could shovel the food into my mouth.

What I wasn’t planning on was never having a full moment to myself ever again.

Even when I’m not with Riker, I’m thinking about him, thinking about what I need to do to provide for him, for his future.

I think about him all the time.

Even now, when I know he’s in the capable hands of Sully the child whisperer, I’m worried about him waking up in the middle of the night. What if he misses me? What if he needs me?

Sighing, I lather the soap through my hair then grab my razor so I can shave my legs for the first time in way too long.

All the while, I try to push thoughts of Riker away and just enjoy the night Sully is giving me without letting my second best friend creep into my mind.

Mommy guilt.

It’s the main reason I’m constantly worrying about Riker.

If I don’t worry about it, it means I don’t love him as much as I possibly can. It means I’m doing something wrong. It means I’m not being the best mom I can be.

Or at least that’s what my brain tells me.

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