Page 5 of Loathe Thy Neighbor

“Now, now. Don’t you two give me that look. I’m old, but there’s still motion in this ocean, and the ocean isdefinitelyin my panties when that man walks through the door.”

She slides her tongue over her lips, and I have never wanted a hole to open up and swallow me as badly as I do in this moment, and that includes the time I walked through Wal-Mart with my skirt tucked into my underwear…mythongunderwear.

Lucy takes a sip of her tea and turns her attention back to her book…allegedly.

Maya dips her head toward mine, leaning close to whisper, “So that happened.”

“Unfortunately, it did.”

“Look, it’s not a bad thing if you have a crush on him.”

“Just because hemight—and I’m puttinga lotof emphasis on that word—maybeget me a little excited in the pants, that doesn’t mean it’s a crush. I can be physically attracted to someone and still hate their guts.”

“Or you can be lying.”

I groan. “Trust me, it isnota crush, Maya. I don’t even kind of like him. In fact, I’ve said many times over the last year that Iloathehim.”

“But for no good reason.”

“You’re kidding me, right? There areplentyof reasons!”

“Name one.”

Just one? There aresomany reasons to dislike Dean.

He’s obnoxious. Always right about everything. Inserts himself into breakfast with my best friend every single Sunday.

And his worst offense?

The fact that he lives next door. He’s always playing that awful guitar on his balcony or blaring his horrid taste in music at all hours of the day. Screaming at the TV about whatever sport he always seems to be watching.

He’s the worst neighbor ever.

“He wakes up to the same song every damn day.”

“Most people do.”

“ButOld Time Rock & Rollrepeatedly? It’s—”

She points a finger at me. “That song is a classic. You’re not allowed to trash-talk it.”

“Classic or not, does he seriously have to blastthat song at five thirty in the morningincludingweekends?”

“He works. That’s more than I can say for half the dudes you go out on dates with.”

“But—”

“No. Nobuts. Could he turn the music down? Sure, but you’re not allowed to fault him for making a living,especiallywhen it involves teaching and making kids’ lives better.”

“You’re only saying that because he’s all buddy-buddy withyourkid.”

“So?” She shrugs. “Now name something else that isn’t absurd.”

“Leo.”

“Aw, come on. Leave Leo out of this.”

I point to Dean, who’s still standing in line with Sam because this place is packed on a Sunday morning. “I can’t leave Leo out of this when he brought him here.”

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