Page 99 of Crave Thy Neighbor

“You talk like you’ve been dating for years, not half a year.”

“Sometimes it feels like it’s been decades.” He says it like he’s exasperated by her, but he’s not. He loves her wholly, always willing to put everything on the line for her.

We don’t say anything for a long time, sipping our beers while I try not to panic.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?” he says. “That thing with my tongue she loves? Let me grab a lemon from Donny. It’s best if I demonstrate it.”

He lifts his hand and I smack it out of the air, waving Donny off.

“No. I mean, how do you…you know…” I run my tongue over my dry lips. “Love her? Aren’t you scared she’s going to break you?”

“Oh.” His eyes grow serious and he sighs, dropping his shoulders. “Honestly? I don’t know she’s not going to break me, and sometimes that fucks me up. But the moments where it doesn’t…they’re my favorite moments of all time.” A lazy grin forms. “It’s worth it for all those moments.”

“What if…” Emotion clogs my throat, hitting me out of nowhere. I sling back the rest of my beer, shaking it off.

“She leaves?” Dean asks, understanding the question. “Then she leaves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to fucking wreck me and I’ll wish I were dead, but it’s not going to make me want to take back any of the in-between, you know? If I have those memories to fade away into, I’ll survive it.”

I wonder if that’s how my dad felt.

We didn’t talk about my mom leaving much. We didn’t need to. I saw the emptiness in his eyes every day.

But now I wish I would have asked him how he kept going on…if he had those moments too.

“Listen, I’ve known you a long time—perhaps too fucking long if you ask me.” Bold of him to make that statement. “I was there when your mom left. I saw what it did to your pops. I saw what it did to you. But, man, there was nothing that could have been done differently. You didn’t make her leave—she did it on her own. Your father didn’t make her leave either. It was her decision. You can’t hold that against anyone but your mother. You can’t keep pushing love away just because you’re afraid it’s going to hurt, because trust me, it’ll hurt even when it’s good.”

He finishes off the last swig of his beer.

“But it’s worth it, Nolan,” he adds quietly. “It’s all worth it.”

I switched to water shortly after Dean dropped his words of wisdom and drove the long way home.

I’ve been sitting in my truck in the parking garage for thirty minutes now.

Thirty-one.

Thirty-two.

Thirty-three.

I can’t seem to make myself get out.

Not even when my phone buzzes.

Maya: Just making sure you’re okay?

I don’t answer her.

Thirty-four.

Thirty-five.

I’m stuck, Dean’s words filtering through my head.

I understood what he was saying about the in-between moments.

But are they worth the inevitable heartache? Is it worth it to put yourself on the line? If it is, how am I supposed to know if she’s the person I should do it for? Is there a sign I should be looking for? A clue? A moment where it’s all supposed to click into place?

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