Page 13 of Hot to Go

‘Two fried breakfasts?’ We all look down as he pushes them in front of us. I look down at two shrivelled bits of bacon and catch Beth’s eye over the table as we all burst into fits of uncontrollable giggles.

Charlie

‘STAG! STAG! STAG! STAG!’

The chanting is all quite ritualistic and gets louder, more offensive to families on other tables whilst the man of the hour, the intended, the stag, downs a pint messily, slams the glass down on the table and puts his hands into the air, swirling hisbody around like he’s hula-hooping without a hoop, all whilst wearing a very snug and ill-fitting Hulk costume.

It really is a shame that the stag happens to be Max, my brother.

‘I am so sorry…’ I whisper to a family of four near us. ‘Can I pay for another round of coffees maybe?’ I feel they would take me more seriously if I wasn’t dressed like Aldi Iron Man.

‘Iron Man has a beard…and a moustache,’ the young boy at the table tells me, judgementally. I don’t know how to tell you this, kid, but I shaved mine all off after I broke up with Krystal.

‘I know. I apologise for not keeping it more authentic. Thor is in a wig if that helps, that’s not his real hair.’ This gets a rise from the kids that seems to calm their parents, given the amount of swearing and sexual anecdotes flying around. At this time of morning, I’m not sure anyone needs to hear about the time Dave had a threesome at Butlin’s with a couple of lifeguards.

‘Who’s getting married?’ the mother asks.

I point to my brother. We really should have invested more money in that costume as the Velcro is giving him issues and the fake muscular trousers make him look like he’s got three massive testicles hanging in between his legs. ‘He’s my little brother.’

‘And the Avengers theme?’ the father asks. Was decided on a WhatsApp group chat. It went to many polls, of many terrible suggestions from lederhosen to Smurfs to Baywatch lifeguards until we settled on Avengers because of my brother’s infamous teen years where he dyed his hair bright green.

‘Was not my idea. My idea was normal clothes at the airport so we’d stand a chance of actually getting on the plane.’

The dad smiles. ‘To…?’

‘Mallorca,’ I say. You see both of his shoulders drop with relief to know they are on a flight somewhere else, away from us stags.

‘Batman is also not an Avenger,’ the little boy tells me, annoyed by the amateur nature of how we are representingthese superheroes. I mean, there’s also a man in a black leather catsuit and fake boobs dressed as Black Widow. I hope he’s not clocked him yet.

‘I know, right?’ I say, shaking my head. ‘Again, I’m very sorry for the interruption to your morning.’ The dad looks at the crowd of men in fancy dress and puts an arm around his boy. It’s a look that says: I did that once and now I have this, and I really don’t mind it that much. I smile to see it.

Two giant green hands suddenly land on my shoulders. ‘CHARLIE!’ Max yodels. Lordy, he’s bladdered. I hope we can get him on the flight. He hugs me from behind as I try and shuffle away from the family of four. I didn’t encourage the drinking; that was all his friends who seem to have been drip-feeding alcohol slowly and intentionally into his bloodstream since we arrived.

‘Maxi Pad. Just slow it down, man,’ I say, as he wraps his big green arms around me.

‘You never call me Maxi Pad anymore, Chuckles,’ he says, pouting. ‘You’re such a good big brother. I am so glad you’re here.’

So am I. I hadn’t planned on it. I’d been thinking of something sedate like golf and a curry for this stag do, but the plans evolved and I find myself here because I don’t trust many of Max’s friends. Max has had the same friends since school; they’ve played football together and graced local pubs and nightclubs with their collective presence. I’d be alright if I knew half their names but for years, they’ve all gone by the same nicknames that are either versions of their last names (Wrighty; Coops) or just passing observations that seem to have stuck. I always thought Hawkeye across the way was called Gareth. I only found out last year, his name is actually James. He just looks like Gareth Southgate and it stuck.

‘Pace yourself. Please,’ I beg him.

‘I promise,’ he says, burping under his breath.

‘TONY STARK! You handsome bastard!’ a voice bellows from behind us. Oh, it’s Andy. Also known as Captain America but for the longest time, also known in our family as the Flanker, mainly because he likes rugby, it rhymes with wanker and we liked having a codename for him. Andy got married two years ago, has two kids but still acts like he’s single. It’s like the wife and kids are an inconvenience to him so he continues to go on monthly golf trips, raves and stag dos. If I was a betting man, I would probably put a solid grand on the fact he cheats on his wife too, which is why him and me are never likely to be mates. It always surprises me that Max still hangs out with him or thinks that there are any redeeming qualities there.

‘Steve Rogers, a pleasure.’ He even has his hair smoothed back to add to the smarminess. ‘So, are we ready for this? The water in Mallorca don’t taste like it oughta because I tell you my friend, it’s going to taste like beer and sambuca. Am I right?’

I think this is what the young people refer to as ick. ‘As long as we deliver this lad back to his fiancée in one piece and with eyebrows. I’m on a promise to Amy,’ I tell them.

‘BORING!’ Andy bellows. ‘Coops has also found that strip club, mate. It’s going to be wild,’ he says, putting a hand up for Max to high-five. I’m glad to see my little brother joins in with some reluctance. ‘I see that look, Charlie boy,’ Andy says. ‘You of all people need a lap dance and a bit of fun. Max has already told me you broke up with that tattooed bird.’

I look over at Max and fake a smile. I’m not sure you can call it a breakup when you’ve only been out for three months but I’m glad the news has circulated so quickly.

‘Yes, I’m single and ready to…’

‘Get knobbing,’ Andy says a little too loudly, waving his arms and shield in the air.

Have a break? Feel the sun on my face and get a decent tan. If I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure I was properly heartbroken after Krystal. I was more disappointed that I’d wastedtime on a relationship that wasn’t up to scratch, and that finding someone to share my life with was proving harder than I thought. She also has my phone charger, though she says she doesn’t. So, mean and a thief.

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