Page 51 of Hot to Go

‘Me or you?’

‘You,’ she whispers.

‘My penis or my whole body?’

‘Your whole body.’

‘Here?’

From the look on her face, that might be a no. I think we might both be in shock. Maybe we’d built this up too much. Good sex will do that. It will warp your sense of space and time, giving you a moment that you’ll never be able to live up to. This isn’t good sex. She knows it and I know it. We’re too scared toadmit it to each other. Is it terrible that I can hear people on a pelican crossing outside?

‘You’re so pretty…’ I tell her, looking her in the eye, trying to give the occasion a bit more sincerity.

‘So are you…’ she tells me. ‘That’s the wrong word. This feels good.’

Not amazing, not superb, not any other type of superlative. Good. That’s the word we give kids who are just coasting, who are average in the classroom. I mean, it’s not awful but this isn’t Mallorca.

She smiles at me and wrinkles her nose. ‘This is all off, isn’t it?’

I nod sheepishly, still looking at her and still inside her. ‘I can’t…’

‘Yeah, do you want to exit the…’ she asks.

I nod my head and withdraw from her, my dick just sitting there woefully between the two of us. ‘You’re beautiful,’ I tell her. ‘I want this. I’ve wanted this since that villa, and I can’t believe I’ve found you again, but…’ I say, hoping I sound reassuring and authentic.

‘No, I get it. I want it too but there’s something…’

‘Missing?’

‘Yeah.’

I don’t think either of us are upset or offended, but more confused. We have bags and spades and great big sacks full of spark. When I return to memories of this woman, I can go hard in seconds. But what just happened there?

In my fantasies, I think about ripping her tights off with my teeth and burying my face in her. I want to fuck her against a wall and cover her mouth when she wants to come to subdue her screams. Why didn’t that happen? Is it me?

I look down at my penis again, slowly descending from position. I take off the condom and reach down to pick up the wrapper.

‘Tissue?’ Suzie offers, reaching to a coffee table. I wrap up the condom and hold it in my hand.

She looks into space, disappointment etched in her face, then reaches over to put her knickers back on.

‘I’m sorry,’ I mumble.

‘Christ, don’t apologise,’ she says, giving a shy smile. ‘It was probably a bad idea. You said those nice things and then I kissed you and I think we’re both just…’

‘Anxious?’

‘Exactly.’

I pull my pants and trousers up, doing up my top fly button. I didn’t even see her boobs. ‘Maybe we needed to warm up to this, go for a drink. We still hardly know each other really. For example,’ I say, panicking, ‘I don’t know your likes, dislikes?’

‘I like you. That much I know,’ she says.

‘I like you too.’

Even saying those words out loud doesn’t feel right. Maybe we just needed to work our way up to this in the way normal humans connect in the real world. They go for dinner, coffee, they find out details about each other, their personalities link up. Perhaps we ran into this too soon, too eager to recreate a moment. But there’s also a silence and I wonder if in the back of her mind she’s thinking what I’m thinking: what if that moment is gone? That would be awful.

‘SUZIE! You in there, girl? You got hot water? I think something’s wrong!’ a strong West Indian accent vibrates through the door, a hand knocking repeatedly.

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