Page 52 of Hot to Go

Suzie grabs at her tights and throws them across the room. I straighten my shirt quickly and place the half-used condom in my pocket. The whole room is a frenzy. This is the energy we needed four minutes ago.

‘It’s just my neighbour,’ she tells me. ‘Hold up, Maureen!’

She looks all around the room to check we’ve not left anything too incriminating lying around and goes to open thedoor. When she does, there’s a lady standing there in a towelling robe and a shower cap.

‘Do you have hot water? I don’t have hot water. I’m trying to work out if it’s the whole floor, if so I’ll call the management company, if not…’ She suddenly sees me sitting there. ‘Ooh, child. You have company. Close your eyes, boy.’

I put my hands over my eyes. ‘I wasn’t looking, I promise.’

The lady pauses. ‘You know about hot water?’ she asks me.

‘I could have a look?’ I tell her, realising I also have my eyes closed under my hands.

‘Hold up,’ she says, walking up to me. ‘You’re not Paul, are you?’

I am unsure whether to reply as I can sense anger in her tone. Given the fire coming off her, I’m glad that I’m not Paul.

‘Oh god, no,’ Suzie says. ‘Maureen, this is a work colleague, Charlie. Charlie, this is Maureen,’ Suzie intervenes.

‘He’s nice-looking, girl,’ she says.

‘Maureen, he’s got his eyes covered, not his ears,’ Suzie loud whispers and I laugh.

‘Thank you though, Maureen. I appreciate the compliment.’

The room goes a little quiet though I can hear hushed whispers as they argue about something. I don’t know if I should move my hands or if I should tell them it’s likely a fuse if their hot water is electric. But as they stand there working out what to do, there’s only one question in my mind? Who the hell is Paul?

ELEVEN

Suzie

The mattress undulates up and down, the waves rolling in line with my spine, my arms firmly by my side.

‘I think it’s too soft.’

I don’t answer.

‘No purchase, it needs to be firmer. Let me change position and see if it makes a difference.’

‘It won’t. You’re right, it’s too soft. I’ll do my back in on this,’ I say. I turn my face to the side to see an Asian family watching Lucy curiously as she bounces on the mattress like a cat. Probably not what IKEA anticipated when they invited us to try out their mattresses. But I guess they’ve never met my cousin.

‘You talk about your back like you’re an old woman,’ she tells me, lying still for a moment and turning to her side, propping her head up with her hand. I still lie there looking at the ceiling of this IKEA, that Asian family still waiting patiently to try out this mattress we’re lying on.

‘Come and do Pilates with me. There are machines, we’ll stretch you out,’ she says.

‘I wouldn’t think you needed a machine to stretch you out?’ I jest.

She grabs a cushion from behind us and hits me over the head. ‘That’s the Suzie I know and love. Come on, let’s try that big king size.’

She crawls off the bed, holding two hands out to lift me up. In the king size, a couple lie there holding hands, trying out the mattress and smiling. It’s all so wholesome.

‘You think you’re going to hold hands in bed when you’re married?’ Lucy tells them. ‘What you need to do is practise sleeping with your backs to each other looking at your phones, ensuring there’s space for a toddler to fit in between you, working out if you can get far enough away from him when he drops an absolute bazooka of a fart.’

The couple look at Lucy half smiling but also annoyed that she would want to disrupt their perfect IKEA date. They move on, Lucy happy that her words worked and she jumps on like a wildcat, landing in a star shape. ‘This is why I don’t have a partner.’

‘Because you sleep in that position?’ I ask.

‘I don’t want to share a space where I’m supposed to be resting.’

---