Page 88 of Hot to Go

‘Want to playCall of Dutyin a bit?’ Sam asks me. ‘We can kill stuff? Would that work?’

I beam at him, grabbing his shoulder. Sam keeps it all close. I never quite know what’s going on in his head. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for him, losing our parents at such a young age. I don’t know how he processes emotion and even if he’s happy at times, but I know that when it’s all going to shit, we’ve bonded over computer games. We’ve logged on toFortnitein different rooms before and taken on a group of twelve-year-old noobs and shut them down. The sense of teamwork and accomplishment, meeting in the landing to roar and high-five each other, have been peak moments of our brotherhood.

‘Maybe later, thanks, mate,’ I tell Sam. He then comes over and does something very weird. He hugs me. Brooke stops in her tracks to see it as the action is so unnatural. His arms feel like tentacles around me, he rests his head on my shoulder and I stop eating my chicken to hug him back and realise I’m tearing up.

‘What the fuck is going on here then?’ Max suddenly says, coming into the room with his fiancée, Amy, both of them standing there watching Sam display affection.

I blink continuously to hide my tears as Sam moves away and I look up to greet my other brother. ‘Why are you here?’ I ask him.

‘I was told there was chicken. And big mouth there told me what happened,’ Max says, helping himself to some chips and looking over at Brooke, who sticks her tongue out at all of us.

Amy comes over to give me a hug. ‘Hiya lovely. She’s married?’ she asks sympathetically. I nod. ‘Put on the kettle, Brookie. I need a tea.’ I’ve always liked Amy, she’s a veterinary nurse which explains why she likes my brother. Empathy shines out of every pore.

‘But not married, right?’ Max says as Brooke shows him pictures on her phone. ‘As in, she’d left him, they’re separated, and I guess she had no intention of going back to him?’

I shrug my shoulders. Who knows anymore? I guess there is a story there and one that I should probably hear before I start casting aspersions over her character, but the truth is, I’m tired and it all feels too raw. I’m tired from the trip, but I am also tired of relationships and this quest of finding love feeling so difficult. I’ve been dating on and off since I was seventeen and nothing has ever quite stayed the distance. Maybe these three reprobates got in the way, maybe I’m just meant to walk this earth alone, like the Incredible Hulk. I look at Max and Amy now. They met when they were twenty. They dated, they bought a flat, he proposed and now they’re going to live the rest of their lives together. I know it’s not that simple, but it should be a lot easier than this.

‘Perhaps. I just feel a little duped.’

‘Says Carlos…’ Max reminds me.

This makes everyone snigger, and I shrug. ‘Maybe that’s the problem. All of it was all built on a lie from the start,’ I explain. ‘Maybe I should have picked up on that giant red flag.’

‘But you met again at school? How do you explain that? It’s fate! How do you explain those cute photos you sent me from Seville?’ Brooke tells me, her bottom lip out to voice what she thinks about all of this.

‘Well, maybe fate is also throwing some roadblocks in the way and trying to tell us that this is a really bad idea. Maybe fate pushes people together, but maybe you can also make the decision to step away and decide it’s not for you.’

Everyone stands around our kitchen counter, quietly swapping gazes with each other. ‘You’re doing it again,’ Max tells me.

‘Doing what?’

‘Not letting yourself be happy,’ he says.

They all look at each other and back at me. I put my handsup in the air in defence. ‘I am very happy. Possibly one of the happiest people I know,’ I say, my face maybe not communicating that emotion.

Max pushes a cup of tea in front of me. ‘Charlie, I remember when I visited you in Seville. You were so happy, the happiest I’ve probably ever seen you. You were so carefree and you had the world at your feet. And then…’

Sam looks down to the floor and I put a protective arm around him.

‘We will always be grateful for what you did for us. You took all of that on, all of it. But sometimes I see how you’re stuck in guardian mode. You forget about yourself sometimes,’ he tells me.

‘You make being here sound like a chore. It isn’t. I’ve given up things but I’m where I’m supposed to be. I wouldn’t be anywhere else. I have love.’

Brooke runs up to me and gives me the biggest of hugs at this point. ‘We loves you, Charlie. The mostest. You know that, but that’s not the kind of love you need. You also need a life beyond us. One day we’ll be gone and you’ll be old and uncool and on your own and none of us want that. I don’t want you to be the sad single uncle at my kids’ birthday parties.’

I look at all of them. All that responsibility filled me with such fear. I never wanted them to feel that grief and sadness again. It felt bigger than myself and was all I wanted.

‘Sad single Uncle Charlie dancing on his own in the corner,’ Brooke repeats earnestly.

‘I remember the time I had a really lovely girl and I let her go because you know, things got a bit complicated. They weren’t quite lining up…’ Max says, imitating me.

‘Why have you made me sound like a Cockney gangster? Why has my voice dropped two octaves?’ I ask.

‘It’s because you’re so sad, you took up smoking in dark rooms,’ Brooke adds.

‘Wanking into a sock,’ Sam adds.

‘SAAAAAM!’ Brooke says, as the rest of us burst into giggles.

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