Page 91 of Hot to Go

‘But I love…’

I put a finger to my mouth to tell him to shush.

‘Suzie…’

‘OH, PAUL! Please shut the fuck up!’ I snap. He sits there in silence completely still, shocked that I would dare shout at him. ‘What did you think? That you would make the grand gesture of driving up the A23 and I would go, “Oh, look, it’s Paul. I’ll forget how he was fucking someone in our marital bedfor months, forgive him and move back in and restart our marriage to save him the embarrassment of being a divorcée.”’

‘But…’

‘But nothing! When you broke my trust, then I was entitled to deal with that however I wanted. We need to get divorced and split the house. I want nothing from you. I don’t need money, I don’t want a Christmas card. I could do with never seeing you again and forgetting how marrying you was probably the most expensive and stupidest thing I’ve ever fucking done.’

Maybe I shouldn’t have run off to London. Maybe I should have just done this. It’s hugely cathartic. I look down at his hand. He’s wearing his wedding ring and I can’t quite believe it.

He sees me looking. ‘Where’s yours?’

I hold up my bare hand. ‘I threw it in the sea. I can’t believe you showed up here, Paul. I really can’t.’

I look him up and down. It’s hard not to feel some level of emotion. I’m not dead inside. I stood in front of this man and made vows and we made some beautiful memories together. But now I genuinely wonder was it even love we shared? For him to have gone astray, maybe it wasn’t. Now I’ve experienced something with Charlie that feels more like what love should look like.

‘I had to try,’ he says.

‘To save a dead marriage?’

‘It was worth a shot. No matter what you think of me, I would have given this another go,’ he says, looking proud, as if this makes him the better person.

‘Don’t be a prick, Paul,’ I tell him.

‘What?’ he says, looking offended.

‘The end of our marriage was your fault. Repeat after me…’

He looks at me.

‘YOU HEARD THE GIRL…’ I turn to see Emma, Beth and Lucy have made their way into my flat using myspare key. Emma looks at me, mouthing to ask if I’m OK, whereas Lucy may as well have horns and a battering ram as she storms inside.

Paul rolls his eyes to see Lucy, which probably doesn’t help. ‘Oh look, it’s the cray-cray cousins.’

Naturally, this doesn’t affect the sisters who stand there unmoved, the best bodyguards a girl could ask for. I think a reason that I possibly ran to them too is I knew how much Paul disliked them. He didn’t like the solidarity, the noise, the power in numbers and family loyalty. I can see now that he was threatened by all of that. That it made him feel small.

‘Why are you here, Paul?’ Lucy asks.

‘That’s between me and my wife,’ he says pompously.

‘I’m not your wife! Christ alive, Paul. Stop calling me your bloody wife!’ I shout. The cousins all try to stop themselves from laughing.

‘Legally…’

‘Well, legally you’re a man but I’ve never seen a more dickless wonder in my life,’ Lucy tells him.

‘On paper, we are married. Shoot me for wanting to try and save that,’ he tells the cousins.

‘Did he actually say I could shoot him?’ Lucy replies.

They both stare each other down. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Emma just let Lucy have free rein. I think she’s quite enjoying this.

‘And what happens if I refuse to sign these divorce papers?’ he says adamantly.

‘Then I know people who can chain you up in a room and put needles in your knob until you do?’ Lucy says.