Page 34 of Forgive Me Father: For I Have Sinned

“I understand.” If there truly were angels amongst us, I would without a doubt believe that this man was one of them.

His eyes scanned my face as he pressed in. I felt every muscle inside my body contract, but I refused to let the demons of my past resurface. That moment was far too important, as my therapist pointed out to me during our last session. “You’ll know when you’re ready Jamie, and when you are don’t let past events dictate the present.” Her words resonated within me, I relaxed hearing them again as I had when I’d heard them the first time. At that revelation I relented, and Butch was able to enter me. Those hazel eyes shone through to me in a light I hadn’t seen them in before.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Better than I’ve been in a long time.” No truer words had come from my mouth outside of telling him I loved him. He made me whole, he put the broken pieces that were me together, and he was the missing piece needed to complete the puzzle.

Initially, I won’t deny there was pain involved. Not in the negative sense. The gentle harmony of our bodies moving in conjunction was a beauty all its own. Never in a million years could I have imagined sex had the ability to be beautiful on any level. I couldn’t deny that fact anymore if I’d tried.

“God, Jamie,” Butch whispered, running his hand through my hair, gripping the back of my head and forcing our lips together. The sensual aspect of the kiss itself, combined with the tender strokes across my prostate had me withering beneath him, needing more.

“Harder,” I panted, shocking us both as I watched the look on his face change.

Without question, he withdrew pushing in more forcefully than he had before. Time and time again he repeated that motion. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I held him tightly to me. Jutting my hips up and down while riding his cock in earnest.

“Fuck babe, not gonna last,” he groaned. Wordlessly I responded with my body, chasing the orgasm building inside me.

As it breached the surface, I panted. “Butch,” throwing my head back against the pillow as I came without a single touch to my cock. Nothing more than having my man buried so deep inside me.

With a final thrust, Butch growled. “Jamie,” as I felt his cock throb and his warm release fill me. When the aftershocks subsided, he brushed the sweat stuck hairs from my forehead, kissing the same spot. “I love you, Jamie, so much. There aren’t enough words to express it.”

I understood that better than he knew, having just given myself to him so completely. Heart, mind, body, and soul. The man owned me in every sense of the word. “I love you too.”

Ridding myself of the demons that I’d been in a lifelong battle with, allowed us to finally come together as one.

The following morning at breakfast, we outlined our to-do list, deciding to tackle the master bedroom together the following week on our next days off. I’d never painted anything other than fence posts before, which was evident by my lack of even brush strokes. He laughed, dabbed the end of my nose with the grey paint we’d been using and handed me the roller. For some reason, he thought I’d be more apt with that tool. Foolish man. By the end of it, there was more paint on me than the wall, so I switched to cleaning and left him to finish. Seems I was far better at scrubbing toilets.

We were hanging out with Daniel one night about a month later while Marcus was out of town on a business trip. That became a regular occurrence for us since I’d moved out. Sometimes the fours of us hung out together for our appropriately named movie nights, other times only the trio was present. Marcus had gone to Houston to conduct a site survey on an LGBT center his client wanted to renovate. The three of us were sitting in their apartment sharing a pizza and watchingSpeedwhen Daniel’s cell phone rang. It was rare he’d get calls that late at night unless something was going on downstairs. Butch stood, ready to head down and see what was up. Probably some dumbass who’d had too much to drink and needed to be put in a cab and sent home. However, the look on Daniel’s pale face when I turned to take his plate from him stopped me dead mid-reach.

“What?” he repeated to the caller for the third time, dropping the phone as it slid to the floor and he burst into tears. Butch picked it up and continued talking to whoever was on the line while I tended to my friend who was clearly in shock.

“Daniel,” I said, shaking him. “Daniel, what happened?” He fucking lost it. I’d never seen him like that before, and at this point, I still had no idea what was going on. When Butch sat his phone down on the coffee table, he looked up at him.

“Daniel, I’m so sorry,” Butch said.

“NO!” Daniel screamed.

“Marcus was killed tonight,” Butch told me, tears running down his face. That was the first time I’d seen him cry. He was a strong man, had seen and done a lot during his time in the service so I knew the death of his friend must’ve hit him hard to cause such a reaction, and when his words sunk in, I joined them in their sorrow. My knees gave out, I slunk to the floor, bursting into uncontrollable tears. Marcus was my protector, our protector. He always made sure we had everything we needed but would still call us out when we’d do dumb shit. One of the few people I’d ever been able to trust in my life and now he’d been taken away from me.You knew it was too good to last, you’re unworthy of happiness. You never should’ve been born, boy.The all too familiar voice rang through my head.

When I was able to speak, finally having the ability to form the words I asked how it happened. “When he left the center tonight, he was ambushed from behind,” Butch told us, placing his arm around Daniel’s quivering shoulders. “He was DOA when the ambulance got him to the hospital.” He didn’t go into any further details in front of Daniel, who was not in the frame of mind to hear them and to be quite honest, neither was I.

The next day, after Daniel left with Marcus’ parents to bring the body back from Houston for burial, Butch told me he’d been beaten to death with a baseball bat. The first hit to the head knocked him out cold, but once he was down, they continued to whale on him until his skull shattered. I ran from the room, straight to the toilet, dry heaving. Had I eaten anything it would’ve been worse. The vision his words portrayed were too much for me to handle.How can people be so cruel? How do bad souls survive while those worthy of life are taken away? How can I even begin to believe in a God that repeatedly rips my heart to shreds?

They took a flight out from SEATAC the next morning bound for Houston, but due to hospital rules, they had to jump through multiple hoops before they could leave with the body and were stuck there for another two days. His parents wanted him to be buried, and Daniel was in no place to argue. They’d never discussed cremation versus burial or really anything to do with what they each wanted to have happen upon their deaths. Or so Daniel had thought until he met with their lawyer a week later. He learned Marcus had everything put in his name some weeks earlier. The lawyer told him Marcus had been receiving death threats but had never shared that with Daniel because he didn’t want to upset him. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but had Butch been going through the same thing and didn’t tell me I’d be beyond hurt.

The funeral was only the second one I’d ever attended; my grandmother was the first, but I was only eight when she died, so I don’t remember much of it. When Jason died, I wasn’t notified of any funeral. I heard that the bodies of those with no family were buried together, not sure if it’s true or not. Until the moment I stood over Marcus’ grave, I hadn’t thought about Jason’s death in years. It saddened me to think his body was lying in a mass burial site, but I had to remember, that only his body was there. His soul would’ve already moved on, and I needed to reflect on that thought in order to get through this.Items stay behind, souls move on. Our memories last a lifetime.

Daniel was a complete zombie the day of the funeral and to be honest, I wasn’t much better. Butch and I decided to get dressed at their place, well really Butch decided, and I think it was due to the fact he knew Daniel and I would both be in a bad place. We’d actually been staying there in my old room, poor Butch. Daniel and I were such basket cases that had Butch not been there for us, I’m not sure what state we’d be in. When it came time to leave, we walked into their room and found Daniel sitting on the bed wearing nothing but his boxers, staring blankly at the mirror above their dresser. A picture of them at a New Year’s party a couple of years earlier was in his line of sight. Together, Butch and I got him dressed and to the funeral service with a few minutes to spare. Due to the nature of his injuries, it was a closed casket viewing, and that’s when it really hit methey’d had to ID the body in Houston. Fuck, that image alone is something one would never be able to get out of their brain. No wonder Daniel was catatonic and in my current state, I’d been of little help to my friend who needed me now more than ever.

We didn’t discuss it with him, in his current fragile state of mind, but we thought it was best to make the decision ourselves to close the bar that day in honor of Marcus. Every employee at the bar, the local LGBT youth center volunteers and his architecture firm were all in attendance. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, that man touched so many lives which was clear to see by the lack of empty seats and number of bodies standing there to say goodbye to their friend. One half of the team that was instrumental in saving this lost boy.Would my curse be forever extended to anyone I loved? Maybe it would be best if I left…

I kept those errant thoughts to myself, taking a seat in the front row with Marcus’ family next to Daniel, our hands linked together in a show of solidarity. Marcus was one of the most genuine, most giving men I’d ever met. His death would be a huge loss not only to Daniel but to us and to the community as a whole.The hole left in my heart was irreparable. Tears flowed as Butch wrapped his arm around my shoulder.This is why I continue to wake up every day, this man right here.I tried to mentally reassure myself.He’s the reason you won’t take your own life, you’re better than that. Always remember that Jamie.Marcus’ voice in my head told me.

The reception afterward was held at Marcus’ parents’ house on Mercer Island. His father was a lawyer, his mother a housewife. They bought their house a couple of years ago after his father retired. It wasn’t huge like some were on the island, but it was beautifully decorated. We didn’t stay long because Daniel wasn’t holding up too well, neither was I. But I was trying my best to keep it together for my honorary brother. He was devastated and honestly, I wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to come back from such a loss. We asked him to come home with us, but he refused. Said he needed to be with Marcus, which scared us into thinking he may be suicidal, hell without Butch by my side I couldn’t deny the thought of feeling no more pain didn’t cross my mind.

Butch knew Daniel, and I needed to stay close to each other, so we opted to stay in my old room again. Hearing Daniel’s sobs in the night called me to him. Butch found us curled up together the next morning, any other man would’ve been jealous, but Butch knew there was no sexual draw between the two of us. We were brothers, having lost someone he felt the same way about, so I knew he understood. The thought of losing Butch literally had woken me nightly since Marcus’ death.

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