Page 15 of 21 Week Hiatus

“Then what, Logan?!” I snap, my temper flaring. “This isn’t you. Will you stop acting like a jerk for a minute and just talk to me?”

“And say what?!” he shouts back, his fiery gaze boring into mine. “What do you want to hear? Do you want me to stand here and tell you that after meeting your parents I feel like the world’s biggest sack of shit? Because I do, Savannah, and the worst part of it is I can’t even be offended by their judgement of me because everything they said at the restaurant is warranted. As much as we both try to deny it or ignore it, the cold hard truth is there staring us both in the face.”

My brows crease and I feel a frown tugging at the corners of my mouth. “What are you talking about? What truth?” I ask, not bothering to mask the confusion in my voice.

Logan gestures between the two of us, a troubled expression marring that handsome face I adore. “This... they're all right, the age gap between us is too substantial,” he said, his tone heavy with sadness. “I am too old for you, Savannah.”

My heart tanks into my core and my fingers begin to tremble as I shake my head in disbelief. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Taking a few steps towards him, my legs feel unsteady under me. I push myself up on my toes and cup his face in my hands and look into his eyes. “No, Logan,” I plead, desperation creeping into my voice. “Listen to me. I understand that hearing that from Trent and now my parents can be disheartening, but I don't care about the age difference between us.” I confess, brushing my thumbs along his bearded jaw. “You know what matters to me? How crazy I am about you. How we feel about each other. Who cares what anyone else thinks? We don't need anyone’s approval or validation to be together. We're both grown adults and the only opinions that matter here are ours, right?”

Logan lets out a deep sigh, briefly closing his eyes before opening them again. He takes my hands in his and gently removes them from his face. “Why do you want to be with me, Savannah?”

I gaze up at him, the lump in my throat thickening. “Because I love you,” I whisper, struggling to make my voice audible.

Logan nods, studying my face intently. “Is that enough?”

My mind goes blank as I try to respond. It's like all of a sudden, my brain has stopped functioning. What does he mean by that?

“I… I don't understand.”

He continues to stare at me for a moment before placing my hands on his chest, still holding onto my wrists. “Am I enough?” he asks earnestly. “If all it’s ever going to be is the two of us, will that be enough for you? Will you be satisfied with a life where it’s just the two of us?”

Without hesitation, I nod my head. “Logan, of course, it's enough. There's no question about it.” I hoped that my response would ease the tension in his eyes, but his uncertainty still remains. Evidently my words offer no comfort to him whatsoever which hurts me. “Why would you ever think you wouldn’t be enough?”

Logan sighs and lowers his gaze as though he’s unable to hold my gaze. “Because apparently you had a plan to be married and have kids by the time you’re thirty. A rather important detail you neglected to tell me, but you shared with Trent.” Tears prickle the back of my eyes when I realize what he’s trying to tell me. Logan looks up again, his eyes searching mine. “Is that because your mother is right, that you’re forsaking your desires to be with me?”

“No,” I gasp, my heart thuds inside my chest as I shake my head so quickly that it feels like a mini earthquake inside my skull. I pull my hands from his and cup his face so I can lift his gaze to mine. “I’m not forsaking anything, Logan. The things I thought I wanted before isn’t what I want now. Yes, I did have a plan and it did involve marriage and kids, but it’s doesn’t anymore. A couple of weeks ago I would have never dreamed of doing the things I have done with you, but I’ve changed, Logan and so have my aspirations.”

“You don’t know what you want, Savannah.” Logan utters somberly. “You’re still so young and inexperienced. You’re at the most fundamental point of your life. The best part of it is only just beginning. This is where you really find yourself. Do you really want to spend the best years of your life with an old man?”

“You’re not old, stop saying that.”

“Yes, I am,” Logan insists, his stern gaze fixed on me. “I’m forty fucking years old, Savannah. I've been in your shoes before. I've made sacrifices for someone I thought I loved, and it only led to resentment and animosity. Now, I can't even stand the sight of her. I missed out on so much of my life because of her.” That agonizing ache deep in my chest intensifies and starts to spread up my throat causing it to slowly constrict. How could he compare me to his ex-wife? I’m nothing like her. I can’t imagine ever resenting Logan and I wouldn’t. Is that what he’s afraid of—that our relationship would wind up like his marriage and our love would eventually turn into something ugly, and we would end up hating each other.

“You’re not serious? You’re comparingmeto your ex-wife?” My hands slip from his face, and they drop at my sides as I take a step back from him. “Why don’t you stop beating around the damn bush and spit out whatever it is you want to say, Logan?”

Logan looks back at me mutely for a moment and I see him swallow thickly before speaking. “I think we both got caught up with the thrill and notion of being together without really thinking about the practicality of our relationship in the long run. We need to be realistic. Yes, it’s exciting and full of passion right now, but what happens when all that fades? This relationship has nowhere to go, Savi. We both want different things.”

“Stop!” I snap angrily, “Don't assume you know what I want, Logan. I’ve had my parents doing that my entire life and I’m sick of it.” I advance towards him, and Logan watches me closely and bites his bottom lip. “How can you stand there and say we don't want the same things and our relationship has no future when just this afternoon you were telling me how much you love me and that I belong to you? Sorry, but it didn't seem like you were worried about our future then. So, what's changed now?”

“It’s always been there Savi, but this last week it’s been playing on my mind more. You might think right now that what we have is enough, but eventually you’re going to want more and I’m not going to be able to give you what you want. I’ve already expressed to you that I don’t wantto get married or have any more kids.” Logan clarifies as he shifts and places his hand at the edge of the kitchen island, his fingers gripping it tight. I open my mouth to respond but he shakes his head, stopping me. “Please, Savi, don’t say you don’t want those things because I’ve seen the way you melt whenever there’s a baby in the vicinity. Having a baby is one of the most incredible and precious experiences, and I don't want to be the reason you miss out on that. I wish I was selfish enough to ask you to, but I can't bear to take that away from you. Not when I know that you would make an incredible mother.” His words hang in the air like a heavy cloud, their weight resting heavily on my chest.

God, hearing him talk so negatively about himself really pains me because I truly believe Logan has the potential to be a wonderful father. I can see the burden of his words on his shoulders, each syllable heavy with emotion. “I've thought about it,” he states, his voice deep but filled with conviction. “A happy life with you. The vision of you pregnant with my baby and glowing was enough to convince me.” For a fleeting moment, a smile tugs at the corners of his lips, lighting up his gorgeous face. But then, as quickly as it appears, it vanishes and is replaced by a sadness that seems to seep into every inch of him. I want to comfort him, to reach out and caress his face and kiss the sadness away, but something inside stops me.

“But then I remember the experience I had with my own father and then Trent,” he goes on, his gaze shifting to the ground. “And the state of our relationship now and how much I’ve hurt him.” He inhales a deep breath before adding, “I can't bring myself to do it all over again, Savi.” My heart aches at his words, knowing the pain and disappointment he has faced in the past. “Some people are not cut out to be husbands and fathers and it kills me to admit it but my relationship with Trent is proof that I fit into that small percentage," he clarifies sorrowfully, his voice laced with self-doubt. As much as I want to argue with him and tell him how wrong he is, I know that no amount of convincing would change his mind.

“So, what, that’s it then?” I ask with a shrug, “You’re just going to dismiss my thoughts and feelings on the matter because of a few unfounded opinions from people who know absolutely nothing abouthow we feel for each other?” I ask and he stares back at me silently, his jaw set tight.

“Logan,” my voice breaks when I say his name, my tone mirroring the anguish I’m feeling inside as I fight to hold back the tears, I can feel coming. “I can stand here and list all the reasons why you’re wrong. Because deep down, I truly believe you and I could be happy together. I’m standing here telling you I don’t need a ring on my finger or a signed piece of paper nor a baby to be happy withyou, because you’re all I want. That’s my choice and I would never resent you for it. My heart didn’t care how old your heart was when it chose to fall in love with you. I want you, despite the age gap and other people’s opinions about us, but looking at you it’s obvious you don’t feel the same and no amount of arguing will convince you otherwise. So, I want you to look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you want to walk away from us.”

While I stand before him waiting for his response, the world around us seems to fade away, leaving only the two of us standing there in the silence of our shattered relationship.

Don’t do it.

You’re going to regret it the moment the words come out of your mouth, Logan.Don’t fucking do it.

The way she’s looking at me with those gorgeous eyes glimmering with unshed tears is killing me, but I need to do this for her. How ever much it’s killing me right now, I can’t be selfish with her. I need to let her go so she can have the future she’s always wanted. I don’t want her to settle for a life with me because she believes I’m what she wants right now. Fuck, I would have made it my life’s mission to make her happy. I had so many plans for us. I was going to show her the world. Spend every day worshipping her the way she deserves but after overhearing her conversation with her parents it hit me like a sledgehammer to the head that I’ve been so wrapped in her that I didn’t stop to consider what would follow later.

Never before have I felt like such a depraved and shameful man until I accidentally overheard the derogatory comments her mother was making about me and how hard Savi had to defend our relationship to her parents. I understand not approving of our relationship, I didn’texactly expect to be greeted with open arms by her parents when we finally met, but to overhear the hurtful things she was saying to Savi about me affected me more than I would have liked to admit. Especially after hearing pretty much the same thing from Trent.

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