Page 16 of When We Collide

“Yes?” I breathe, biting down on my lip.

“I’m trying so hard to control myself here, but the way you’re breathing and quietly moaning is making me crazy.” My teeth sink deeper into my lip when a wave of arousal surges through me. “If you were any other girl my fingers would already beinside those bikini bottoms slowly stroking your clit till you’re crying my name with pleasure while you come all over them.”

“But I’m not any other girl.” I was your brother’s wife. The mother of his child. Your sister-in-law. I’m unable to focus on a damn thing but the feel of Oscar’s lips lightly grazing along my jaw and his fingers toying with the waistband of my bikini bottoms.

“No, you’re not, because if you were you’d already be mine. After last night you would have woken up in my bed this morning after a long night spent making love to you.” My head goes faint at his affirmation. In that moment the world itself fades away taking everything but the two of us with it.

Licking my lips, my head tips back when Oscar’s other hand comes up to curl around my throat. “I can’t ever be yours, Oskie.”

“I know, and I hate myself for the way I feel about you, but I can’t help it, Jeyla.” My stomach sinks deep into my gut when I open my eyes and I find him gazing down at me. “The way you felt about Dean is how I feel about you, how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. The day you married him, I burrowed a hole deep in my heart and I buried my feelings for you. Until last night when we kissed, and they all crept back up again.” Oscar continues, his thumb lightly brushing along my jaw as he gazes into my eyes. “You asked me a question last night and I lied to you.” His eyes lower to my lips before they lift and meet mine again. “Youwerethe girl I was talking about that night. Your sister is the only person other than Dean who knew about my feelings for you.”

“Dean?” Oscar nods, a saddened look in his eyes. My mind recalls all the arguments Dean and I had over the years andthe snide remarks he would make about my friendship with Oscar. I always assumed it was because he was jealous of our close friendship, not because he knew that his older brother had feelings for me.

“I don’t understand, Oskie. If you had feelings for me why didn’t you ever say anything? Why did you keep quiet and standby while Dean pursued me?” I ask and instantly regret it when I see the look of dejection staring back at me.

“Would it really have made a difference if I had? When we both know that for you it was always going to be Dean? He’s… hewasmy little brother Jeyla and deep down growing up I knew that he was in love with you, he just never thought he stood a chance so just like me, he buried it inside. But with every fight the two of you had, I watched that kid fall deeper in love with you. How could I have ever stood in the way of that knowing you felt the same about him? Knowing I could have never measured up to the love the two of you had?”

My eyes well up with tears as Oskie's words hit me like a tidal wave. The truth of his words cuts deep, and I feel the guilt and regret wash over me like a heavy rain. In that moment, I finally understood the depth of Oskie’s sacrifice and unrequited love for me.

“Oskie, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. If I had known about your feelings, I would have neve—” Oscar presses his finger to my lips silencing me.

“Stop,” I stare up into his meltingly soft brown eyes while he brushes the tears that spill over and roll down my cheek. “Don’t apologise, Jey, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I was never going to act on my feelings while I knew my brother was in love with you. Despite my feelings I honestly couldn’thave been happier for you and Dean. The two of you truly were made for each other. You made more sense than you and I ever could. It didn’t matter what obstacle tore the two of you apart, or how much you hurt one another you still somehow managed to find your way back to each other.”

“If we were meant for each other why isn’t he here, Oskie?” I whisper, my voice wavering. “Why was he taken from me if we were meant to end up together? Looking back at every single one of my worst moments, you were by my side. When I got hit by that car and lost my baby, you never left my side. After Dean and I broke up when Ashlyn found out, you were there to console me. Whenever Dean got deployed and after he died… there has never been a moment that you haven’t been there for me.” Oscar says nothing, only lowers his gaze from mine and sighs.

My hand trembles as I reach up to touch his cheek with my fingertips. His eyes meet mine, searching for something that he may never find. “I'm truly sorry for all the hurt I have unintentionally caused you, Oskie,” I say softly, hoping my words can convey the depth of my remorse. Oscar's gaze lingers on mine, as if trying to read my soul. “And you're wrong to assume that you could never measure up to the love Dean and I shared. You have no idea how special you are to me,” I continue earnestly. “If you and I ever got the chance, I would have fallen so blindly in love with you.” My chest aches as I confess these words, knowing that my words feel like a dagger piercing through his heart.

“If there is ever anyone that I can picture a happy life with after Dean, it’s with you.” Oscar's jaw tightens and his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as he swallows thickly. The emotions are written all over his face—pain, longing, and a very small glimmer of hope.

He presses his forehead to mine, closing his eyes before whispering, “I've spent so many years searching for pieces of you in every woman I've been with, but none of them have ever made me even a fraction as happy as I am when I wake up every morning and see you. There isn’t a day that passes where I don’t wish that it was real, that you chosemeand marriedme, and this wasmylife with you and our baby.” A tear escapes from the corner of his eye before he opens them again to meet mine. “But it can never be, because even though he’s gone you and I will always be burdened by Dean's lingering presence in our lives. Constantly haunted by the sense that being together is a betrayal to his memory. I don’t think either of us can live with that, right?”

I nod my head mutely in response and Oscar sighs as he pulls his head back a little and brushes away the tears that keep rolling down my cheeks while he looks over my face. “If I’m ever going to get closure, I need to say this at least once and get it off my chest, maybe then I can finally let you go.”

My heart beat’s up in my throat as I gaze up at him, holding my breath while waiting for him to speak. Oscar's piercing brown eyes lock with mine, full of emotion and intensity. He lifts my hand to his cheek, the roughness of his stubble tickling my skin before he turns his head and presses a tender kiss to my wrist. Oh shit, I think I know what he’s going to say, but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear it. Every nerve in my body is on edge with trepidation. “I love you, Jeyla,” he finally says and the way his voice quivers as he says those words shatters my heart.

A fresh batch of tears springs to my eyes and I fight to bite back the sob I can feel coming. Why does it feel like he’s saying goodbye to me? I open my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head. “Don’t,” he sighs, pressing his forehead to mine, theexpression on his face pained while the weight of his confession hangs in the air between us, “You don’t have to say anything back. I just needed to say it to you, just once.”

I don’t know how to respond. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth. I have no words, so I follow my instincts and allow my actions to speak for me. My fingers curl at the nape of his neck, I tip my head up and press my lips to his. At first Oscar stills and a second later his lips start to move over mine. The kiss holds no passion or lust like the one we shared the night before; it's a sombre farewell to the love that never had a chance to blossom between us. This is our goodbye, a closure to what could have been had things worked out differently.

Every fibre of my being is certain that Oscar and I would have had a happy life together. The mere thought of our potential future with him fills me with warmth and possibility. Perhaps, if he had just found the courage to tell me his true feelings sooner, my life would have taken a different path. Maybe I wouldn't have endured such heartache and suffered like I did. But then again, despite all the pain I have endured throughout the years, I can’t deny that my heart would still have fallen for Dean in any lifetime or circumstance. Dean was like a formidable force, constantly pulling me towards him, no matter what obstacles stood in our way. In every universe, in every version of reality, I believe our paths were meant to intertwine.

I don’t think I can ever truly give my heart to someone else—not when it’s still beating for him.

The days followingthe beach trip have been strained to say the least. I figured Oscar would need some space after everything, so I gave him that. As tense as the mood is between us at the moment, we still make the effort to talk to one another. It’s only short conversations, but I’ll take that over us not talking at all. He’s been spending less time at home the last couple of days, either working late or going out with his friends and coming home after midnight when I go to bed. I received a text from him earlier telling me that he's going to play football with his friends, and he will be home late.

It's pouring out, I can hear the rain tapping against the window while I’m curled on the sofa with Lex asleep and snoring lightly at the end by my feet as I quietly read to DJ, his eyes growing heavier with every word. Lex suddenly jumps up from his sleep, sitting up as if he heard something and growls, which starts DJ from his sleep, his tired eyes spring open, and I sigh as he blinks up at me adorably. Lex isn’t a growler; he usually runs to the door when he hears Oscar’s car pull up or his keys. I don’t hear either, so I wonder if he can hear something outside that my human ears can’t pick up.

“What is it, Lex?” I ask and he leaps off the sofa and runs off in the direction of the front door as a knock sounds at the door. Maybe Oscar’s home early and forgot his keys again.

“Who is that at this time?” I utter as I get off the sofa and lay DJ in his playpen before I pick up my glass of wine and take asip as I walk over to the door. Lex is standing guard in the hall, growling lowly while staring at the door which puts me on edge. If it was Oscar or someone we know he wouldn’t be growling. “Lex, go to DJ.” I order and he obeys, trotting over to sit by the playpen to guard the baby. A neat trick Oscar taught him to do should we ever be in danger.

I open the door expecting to see Oscar standing there drenched—instead I see a figure in a black hoodie with the hood pulled up. My heart starts to beat a little faster and I hold onto the door tighter, ready to slam it shut just in case the person standing at the door is an intruder.

As a wave of maternal instinct washes over me, I narrow my eyes and cautiously place my foot behind the door. My heart pounds in my chest as I confront the mysterious figure standing before me. With trembling hands, I manage to choke out the words, “Can I… help you?” The person lifts their head and slowly lowers their hood, revealing a face that takes my breath away. My grip on the wine glass tightens, but it slips from my fingers and shatters on the wooden floor, sending shards of glass and deep red wine scattering across the room. You know that feeling when a bucket of ice-cold water is tipped over your head. That’s how I feel as I stand completely stunned, unable to take my wide-eyed gaze off the figure standing before me. My chest rises and falls rapidly as I struggle to keep myself from fainting the moment his eyes meet mine.

This isn’t real. It can't be real. I’ve fallen asleep while reading to DJ or I’m hallucinating again. There's no way he could be standing in front of me soaking wet right now.

Can ghosts even get wet?

---