Page 18 of When We Collide

Dean pulls me into his arm and holds me while I sob inconsolably in his arms. “Hey,” Dean's voice is gentle yet firm as he draws back slightly to lift my head and meet my tear-filled gaze. The corners of his own eyes glisten with tears, mirroring the pain etched upon my face. “You listen to me; don’t youeversay things like that. No matter what happens to me,you live on, do you understand? Your life doesn’t end with mine, JJ.”

“Youweremy life, Dean,” I confess with a whimper. “I didn’t know that I was breathing solely for you until you were gone. Every breath I took after felt like a sledgehammer to my chest.” Tears of despair roll down Dean’s cheeks while he listens to me. The credence of my words seems to crush him as he realizes the depth of my pain. “And if I hadn’t found out I was pregnant, I…” I declare with a shake of my head, stuck reliving the anguish I that suffered over losing him all over again. Dean opens his mouth to speak, but the sound of DJ’s cry stops him.

Dean's gaze shifts towards the living room where our son's wails echo through the house. “Is that...” he begins to ask. I nod mutely, unable to form any words in that moment. Dean wipes away the tears that roll down his cheek and smiles. Through the shock of Dean’s unforeseen return from the dead, DJ’s existence very fleetingly slipped my mind.

“Wehave a baby?” Dean says lifting his hands and cupping my face while he gazes into my tear-filled eyes.

“A son.” I reply quietly. “We have a son. Dean Jr, who I named after his late father. The father I thought he would never get a chance to meet.” The gratified smile on Dean’s face vanishes and it’s quickly replaced with one of deep sorrow. “The father Ihoped he would grow up to be just like. If you only knew just how many nights I spent praying for this,” I explain leaning into his touch when his thumbs affectionately caress my jawline. “For you to be back with me… withus.”

“I know, baby girl, because I was praying for the same thing, every minute of every day, because every hour that I had to spend apart from you was a fate worse than hell for me.”

A surge of anger and hurt bulges in my chest as I stare at Dean, tears stinging my eyes. “Then why did you, Dean?” I ask, “If you’ve been alive this entire time why didn’t you come home sooner?”

In the midst of our conversation, DJ's whimpers escalate into full-blown cries, and I feel a pang of guilt for neglecting him. With a resigned sigh, I slide off the kitchen counter, momentarily forgetting about the sharp cut on my foot. As it comes into contact with the floor, a searing pain shoots through me and I wince, gritting my teeth against it.

I can’t think straight with him being this close to me. I need to put some space between us before I lose what little sanity I have left.

I limp through the kitchen, careful not to put any weight onto my injured foot and rush into the living room where I left him in his playpen. I can hear Dean’s footsteps following me as I lean over and lift DJ up into my arms and rub his back to soothe him.

“It's okay, baby. Mama is here,” I whisper softly, pressing kisses to his temple. As I turn to look at Dean, tears pool in his beautiful green eyes as he approaches me. His face is a canvas of emotions, making it hard to focus on just one. For a moment he just stands there closely observing me holding DJ, as if he’strying to carve the memory deep into his brain. He reaches out to touch DJ's little hand, his gaze transfixed on our son.

“JJ, he's...” Dean shakes his head in awe as he reaches out to touch DJ's tiny hand. “Oh my God, he's just... perfect.” A radiant smile spreads across his face as he strokes DJ's hand. “Hi, DJ.”

I nod, rocking DJ gently in my arms. “Your mum said he looks just like you when you were a baby.” DJ’s little fingers wrap around Dean’s finger, and he smiles broadly, tears rolling down his eyes. “Do you want to hold him?” Dean drags his eyes from DJ to look at me and eagerly nods.

“Of course I do,” Dean reaches out and takes DJ from my arms and presses a lingering kiss to the top of his head, his eyes closed. “Hey, little man. I’m your Dad. You have no idea how much I have been dying to meet you and hold you. I know I’ve missed so much of your life already, but I’m home. Daddy is home, son, and I promise I’m going to protect you and Mummy with my life.”

My emotions bunch up and choke me as the lump in my throat thickens while I watch Dean holding our son for the first time. Tears well up in my eyes as I watch Dean bond with DJ, overwhelmed by the intense emotions consuming me. My heart feels like it's going to stop altogether or burst with elation for witnessing this beautiful moment between father and son. It’s surreal, because this is a moment I never in my wildest dreams imagined would ever happen. If this isn’t real and I truly am having some kind of episode, I don’t ever want to wake up. If someone asked me what my happy place is, I would say this, right now.

God, please, please I’m begging you with my whole heart don’t take this from me. I’ve suffered enough, please let me have this.

I want to believe it’s real. Although Dean keeps assuring me that it is, after all the trauma and suffering I have endured, my mind refuses to accept it. I’m absolutely terrified of waking up from whatever this is to find he’s just another figment my mind conjured up.

I’m so engrossed in their moment that I don’t even notice I’m quietly sobbing until Dean circles his arm around me and pulls me against his chest. His protective embrace encompasses both me and our son, creating a sense of safety and warmth that I never want to leave. “Come here, baby girl.” As he presses a tender kiss to my forehead, Dean's words wash over me like a soothing balm. “Thank you for giving me the greatest gift a man could ever ask for,” he says, his voice filled with emotion. “And for choosing to love me unconditionally despite all the odds against us.” He gazes into my eyes with such intensity that it takes my breath away. “I'm crazy about you, baby.”

And there it is… those five words I have been longing to hear. Christ, just hearing them is enough to break me. Before I can respond Dean leans in and brushes a tender kiss to my lips. My eyes close, and my lips readily welcome him as Dean's lips capture mine in a gentle yet passionate kiss. My senses are overwhelmed by the taste of him, the feel of his lips moving against mine with such familiarity and tenderness makes me ache deeply.

My pulse thunders in my ears so loudly my senses don’t pick up the sound of the front door opening, and the footsteps followed by Oscar's panicked voice calling out my name which snaps us back to reality. “Jeyla?!”

Dean and I jump apart, startled by the sudden interruption. My body tenses instinctively, pulling away from Dean's grasp as Oscar enters the living room. His usually composed face isetched with worry, but it quickly contorts into one of shock when he stops dead in his tracks in the living room doorway as Dean turns to face his big brother. Their eyes lock in a tense and silent exchange. The air in the room suddenly shifts and almost feels charged with unspoken tension. I see the colour drain away from Oscar’s face and the gym bag hanging on his shoulder slips off and hits the floor with a dull thud while he stares unblinking at his younger brother.

“Dean…” Oscar whispers, his soft brown eyes pooling with tears. A sense of relief comes over me when I realize that I’m not the only one that can see him.

“Hey, Bro.” Dean greets his brother with a smile and hands DJ back to me. Oscar’s gaze shifts to me and DJ and he shakes his head before he looks back at Dean again.

“I… you’re…” Oscar stammers, pressing his hand over his mouth, his eyes as wide as saucers while he stares utterly dumbfounded at his younger brother. “Fuck, how are you…”

Dean lets out a heavy sigh, his hand rubbing the tense muscles in the back of his neck. “It's... a long story,” he begins, his voice filled with hesitation. “I can't go into too much detail right now, but I promise to explain everything.” Oscar shakes his head, his expression a mix of concern and understanding. In two fluid strides, he crosses the room and pulls Dean into a tight hug. I press my nose into DJ's soft hair as I watch the two brothers embrace in that familiar, masculine way. The tension in the room dissipates as they hold onto each other; their bond unbreakable. I can see the relief flooding over Oscar's face, a look that words could never fully capture. Until his eyes open and they lock with mine over Dean’s shoulder. The relief on his face is palpable as he sees his brother, alive and well. But behind that look is a sense of guilt, visible in the way his eyesmeet mine. The weight of our actions the other day and the unresolved not-so platonic feelings between us now feel heavier on our shoulders with Dean’s return.

There are so many things left up in the air, I don’t know which one to focus on.

Do I just ignore the feelings and what happened with Oscar and focus on Dean, or do I come clean and tell Dean what happened between me and his brother?

Shit.

“If you werealive where have you been this whole time, Dean?” Oscar questions handing Dean a bottle of beer and taking a seat at the kitchen table. Dean looks down at the bottle in his hand and sighs.

“In a secure and undisclosed location.” Oscar and I look at one another and then back at him. “I was placed in protective custody in a safe house and was moved from location to location for over six months.”

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