Page 2 of When We Collide

“And what Dean? Are you going to throw me in by force? I would love to see you try.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Hey! I’m not going anywhere with you, you stupid jerk! Put me down right now or I swear I will scream bloody murder. Help! He’s taking me against my will, call the police, call the FBI!”

“JJ shut the fuck up or I will really give you something to scream about.”

A deep longing fills me as I’m flooded with past memories of us—memories I would give anything to go back to.

I don’t know why, but I start searching the car. I don’t have a clue what I’m looking for. There’s a tub of spearmint chewing gum in the centre console. His aviator sunglasses in the leather case sitting in a cup holder. A couple of receipts from petrol stations where he filled up.

I pull the driver side visor down and something falls out and lands on my lap. It’s a photo. I pick it up and slowly turn it. A sudden stinging sensation jolts me as I catch a glimpse of a photo clearly taken by Dean, unbeknownst to me, during our trip to Mexico. My memory immediately transports me back to that moment—the second day of our vacation. We were gathered in the restaurant, eating our weight in breakfast before making our way down to the gorgeous beach. In the photo, I’m wearing no make-up, in a vibrant green bikini adorned with white palm trees, and a sheer white overall covering my swimsuit. My face is lit up with a bright smile as I gaze out at the crystal-clear blue ocean before me, the sun kissing my skin with its warm rays. Dean had been sitting opposite me at the table, and I hadn’t even noticed that he snapped the photo. Until now, I didn’t know he had this photo of me for all these years.

An endless stream of tears rolls down my cheeks as I sit there staring at the photo. We’ve been through so much. Fought so hard to be together for it all to end like this. I can’t accept that this was our fate all along.

It’s cruel and unjust.

“JJ.”

As I slide the key into the ignition and start the engine, the deep timbre of his voice, saying my name with such familiarity and warmth, fills the car. I close my eyes and savour the sound, letting it wash over me like a gentle wave. Dean still appears inmoments of despair. I’m aware that he's not real, just a figment of my imagination that surfaces to ease the unbearable weight of grief on my heart. Yet, I cling to his image like a lifeline, savouring every fleeting second before he fades away again. The constant ache in my chest eases with his presence, if only for a fleeting moment.

I feel the warmth of his hand covering mine when I place it on the gearstick and shift it into drive. “I can’t do this without you.”

“Of course you can, baby girl. It’s all still so fresh, you need to give it ti?—”

I shake my head and turn to meet his gaze, my eyes drawn to the familiar emerald colour that always calms me. “No, don't give me the 'time heals all' spiel, Dean. It's not true. No matter how much time passes, this unbearable ache of losing you will never go away.”

Dean stares back at me mutely and I hate that he’s looking back at me with such affliction in his gaze. Tearing my eyes from his I release the handbrake and drive off down the dark and quiet street with no destination in mind. I just need to drive. I need to breathe andfeelDean.

The music plays quietly on the sound system playing the last song Dean was listening to. I reach over and turn the dial up, desperate to immerse myself in the music. But as I do, my vision blurs and a suffocating sob rises in my throat. The last song he’d been listening to was Craig David’s ‘Key to My Heart.’ A song he would sing to me regularly whenever it came on.

Tears flow freely as my emotions unravel once again, triggered by the memories of him grinning, his green eyes glowing with love as he sang the lyrics to me. Each lyric, every note feels likea dagger piercing my heart, opening the floodgates of grief that I try so hard to contain while driving. The road ahead becomes a blur as I continue to weep, my fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly for support.

I replay the song over and over again while I drive on autopilot for over an hour. Until I find myself at the spot overlooking the London skyline that Dean drove us to the night we first supposedly ‘met’.

“Why are we here, JJ?”

I look over at him and shrug. “This is where our story began.”

Dean shakes his head and reaches over to take my hand into his. “No, it’s not, and you know it,” he asserts while his fingers play with mine. “Our story began when we were five years old that day at the playground.”

“I suppose it did.” I let out a heavy sigh, my gaze dropping to our intertwined fingers. The sensation of his touch is faint, almost imperceptible, and it hits me that I can barely feel him anymore. My heart aches at the thought. “It kills me that it took me so long to realize how much you meant to me, even back then,” I admit sorrowfully. “If only I had known how little time fate had in store for us, I wouldn't have wasted a single moment.” Hot tears spill down my cheeks, mingling with the already damp tracks left behind. “If I had known sooner how good it felt to be loved by you, I wouldn’t have hesitated… not for a second.”

A faint smile graces Dean's lips, but it fails to reach his eyes. They hold a hint of sadness, of memories that still linger. “JJ,” he says softly, his voice thick with emotion. “Our love was so profoundbecauseit didn’t come easy. Every obstacle we faced, every fight we had… those moments, no matter how small orinsignificant they may seem now, were what fuelled our love and made it so fierce.”

“I can’t…” I whisper, shaking my head as I reach for the door handle. “I can’t stand hearing you talk about us in past tense. I just… can’t. It hurts too much.” Pushing the door open I step out of the car and slam it shut before I lean against it and sob into my hand.

“JJ,” Dean sighs as he stands in front of me with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “You need to stop holding onto all that anger, baby girl. You need to let it go so you can start to move on.”

“I don’t want to move on, Dean!” I cry pushing off the car to step closer to him. “I want the fucking universe to stop screwing me. I want the love of my life back! God, do you have any idea how much it hurts to wake up every morning and try to live on without you? There is no greater pain than having the ability to gaze into your eyes and not be able to really touch you!” Dean stares into my tear filled eyes and wordlessly shakes his head. “We made a promise to each other. It was you and me, the two of us against the world so why am I the only one suffering? Don’t just stand there, Dean! Say something! Fight back, damn it. Fight with me, please!” I sob fisting my hands and pounding them against his chest while he just stands there mutely and takes every blow and doesn’t even flinch.

“This isn’t how it was supposed to be, Dean. I fought for you. When I was lying in that hospital bed, I fought to come back for you, but you, you just gave up and left me here to live without you. You’re supposed to be here, by my side, in our home, in my arms just like you promised, but you’re gone. You’re gone and I can’t accept it!” I scream fisting his shirt.

“It’s okay, JJ. Just let it all out,” Dean's words soothe like a gentle breeze against my skin, but they also infuriate me. I clench my fingers tightly around the fabric of his shirt before finally releasing my grip and turning away. I walk toward the edge of the cliff, feeling the cool grass beneath my feet and the weight of my heart in my chest. With closed eyes, I can hear the distant sounds of the city below, but all I can think about is how the solution to all my grief lies at the bottom of that endless drop. Should such a dark thought bring a sense of peace? It should terrify me, shouldn't it? But instead, I feel nothing but numbness. I can jump off this cliff right now and end all this pain in an instant. The temptation is overwhelming, and for a moment, I stand on the edge, contemplating if I should give in to it or not.

That is until I feel Dean’s arm circle me and his hand rest on my stomach, a silent reminder that it wouldn’t be justmylife I would be ending. “I keep thinking if there is something I could do to be there next to you. All that’s standing between us is one step forward and we can be together again.”

“You’re not going to do that, JJ.”

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