Page 21 of When We Collide

“You okay?” Oscar asks, concern lacing his voice as he leans forward to inspect my foot. His eyes follow me as I hobble to the table and sink into a chair with a weary sigh.

“If you’re asking about my foot, the answer is yes. If you’re asking aboutmeand my current state of mind,I think you can already guess the answer to that one.”

Oscar's reaction is almost imperceptible—a mute nod—before he returns to his intense scrutiny of the half-empty beer bottle. Seeing him so dejected tears at my heartstrings. In this momentof shared silence, I wonder if he despises me as much as I loathe myself right now. Even though we both agreed nothing could ever happen between us, our feelings linger like shadows in the background.

Even though I keep telling myself that these lingering emotions don’t matter—they do. They matter because if they didn’t, I wouldn’t ever hesitate to be with Dean and there would be no sense of betrayal gnawing at my conscience over Oscar.

Today should be a day of joy for all of us—Dean is alive and back home—yet here we are, prisoners to our own regrets and unspoken desires. I can’t fucking stand the silence between us.

“Oskie…” Upon hearing his name Oscar’s brown eyes lift from the bottle and he looks at me.

“I know,” Oscar answers, already anticipating what I’m about to say. “I…” he starts, but sighs and rubs his forehead in agitation. “I feel like a real piece of shit.”

I frown, “What, why?”

“My brother is back from the dead, I should be happy right now, but when I saw him standing there with you and DJ… the first emotion I felt was envy and resentment. What does that say about me as his older brother?”

Shaking my head, I reach out to touch his hand in comfort. But he jerks it away as if my touch scalded him and sits back in his seat. Hurt fills me at his sudden distance and I pull my hand back, setting it gently in my lap.

“The same thing it says about me as his wife,” I express with a resigned sigh. “I should have been overjoyed when I saw him standing at my door, but in the back of my mind all I keptthinking about is what happened between us and how he would feel if he ever found out. So, don’t sweat it, you’re not alone in your guilt over what happened. At least you’re not stuck in the middle of two brothers constantly feeling like you’re betraying one by being with the other.” I utter as I go to hoist myself up from the chair and begin to hobble towards the kitchen exit when I hear the sound of Oscar rising from his seat as well.

“No, I'm just stuck feeling like I’m betraying my brother with the not-so-platonic feelings I have for his wife.” His words hang heavy in the air, echoing through my mind like a hammer hitting an anvil. My feet halt and refuse to move, paralyzed by the weight of his confession. Closing my eyes, I press my molars together and try to calm the racing pulse in my chest. “I’m riddled with shame over the indecent thoughts I have at night while I’m in bed thinking about all the uncouth things I would do to her.”

Oh, sweet Lord.

A senseof relief and comfort washes over me as I step through the familiar doorway of my home. It took an entire year to make it back here, and the circumstances that brought me here are far from ideal. But there is still a part of me that is grateful to be back where I belong, with my gorgeous wife and our beautiful baby boy. Even if it is for a short time.

I still can’t believe that I am a father. It still feels surreal. They say there is no love quite like the love between a parent and their child, and I can attest to that fact. My heart swells with indescribable love every time I look at that sweet little boy. Our perfect little bundle of joy who resembles both Jeyla and myself in all the right ways.

Though I must admit, whenever I pictured us having kids, I had pictured a little girl who would have looked just like her mother. But seeing DJ's big green eyes staring up at me fills my heart with so much love.

As a military man, I have seen some horrific things during my time on duty. But this past year has been by far the worst of my life, beginning with the one phone call I received from my superior requesting for me to return to base urgently. Right there and then, I knew it couldn't be good news.

Jeyla and I had always known that our life together would be challenging, but nothing could have prepared us for the devastating events that followed our blissful two months of marriage. I remember sitting in my superior's office, barely registering what he was saying as he and a team of strategists planned out my supposed demise.

A nauseating churn gripped my stomach as the dreaded vision of Jeyla receiving an official death notification tormented my mind. The thought of her devastation twisted my insides, a visceral ache that nearly compelled me to beg for a swift end right then and there.

The mere notion of consciously subjecting Jeyla and my family to such agony was unbearable. I would have rather taken the bullet than ever live on knowing I inflicted such pain upon them.

Then, they handed me a stack of photos, and an icy dread seized me.

Each photograph revealed Jeyla's face staring back at me. Her eyes filled with life. It felt as though every drop of blood had suddenly drained from my body, leaving me shivering with cold terror. Interspersed among these images were pictures ofAshlyn, my mother, Oz, and my dad—each one pushing the dagger deeper to my heart.

In that chilling moment of clarity, I realized I had no choice. To protect Jeyla and my family, I would have to follow through with the plan, no matter what it demanded of me.

“You do understand, Lieutenant,” the gruff voice of the Commander filled the room, “that once the plan is set into motion there is no going back. Your life as Lieutenant Dean Reyes, combat fighter and beloved husband, will be erased. You’ll be given a whole new identity, moved to an unknown town in a remote location and you will start over as Damon Ruiz, a rough-handed construction worker from London with no family, who left everything behind for a fresh start in Italy. You can’t ever make contact with anyone from your previous life. Not your wife, not your family or friends. They will believe you dead. It's a very big sacrifice, son.” The weight of his words settled on my shoulders like a heavy cloak, suffocating me with the realization that everything I once held dear would be gone forever.

My heart twisted in agony at the thought of never seeing Jeyla again. It was like a sharp blade cutting through my soul, tearing me apart.

How could I possibly move on and start a new life without her by my side? The mere idea felt suffocating, like trying to breathe with a weight crushing my chest. Leaving behind the new life I had just begun with Jeyla felt like death by a thousand cuts, each one taking away another piece of my being. The future that once held so much promise now seemed bleak and hopeless.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

The memory of our last phone conversation is still etched into my mind, each word as vivid as if it were spoken just yesterday. I can still hear the infectious excitement in her voice when I lied and told her that I would finally be coming home. While she was buzzing with elation, my heart and soul felt like they were being slowly and painfully torn apart, bleeding out from wounds I alone could feel.

That moment haunted me every single day for an entire year, knowing it was the last time I would ever get to speak to her, one final opportunity to tell her that I love her. I barely managed to keep myself composed during the call, but the instant I hit that red button and hung up, my facade crumbled. I broke down completely, sobbing uncontrollably like a baby.

I wept for the future I had promised her—the life we planned together and never got to live.

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